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Channing Tatum Is a Dog Apparently: 'Jupiter Ascending' Trailer

By Emily Cutler | Videos | October 2, 2014 |

By Emily Cutler | Videos | October 2, 2014 |

Remember when Dustin predicted that Jupiter Ascending would be one of the biggest flops of 2014? Well, he was totally wrong. That’s right, suck on that, boss. I just called you out. Jupiter Ascending wasn’t even close to a 2014 box office bomb … because they’ve pushed the release date to February 6, 2015. February, or “Take Out the Trash Month” in Hollywood, traditionally has the worst movies of the year. Also statistically they have the worst movies of the year.

And this trailer isn’t making me think that that’s changing any time soon.

I’m having a lot of trouble with this one. The Earth is not the birthplace of humans, but the Jupiter-ians (Jupiters- ists? Jupiter- ites?) only “seeded” the planet 100,000 years ago. Does the movie tell us what the humans on Earth were doing for a 100,000 years before the Jovians (yeah, that’s right. Inhabitants of Jupiter are called Jovians.) showed up to create them?

Also as previously stated, Channing Tatum has more in common with a dog than with humans. Sure, makes sense. Mila Kunis is the reincarnation of a previous Jovian ruler, Eddie Redmayne is the bad guy, and Sean Bean is the alien that fills us all in. This just feels all over the place.

And does anyone else think that Charming Potato just made up Blemp’s name during shooting, and they decided to roll with it? Like he flubbed his line, and the Wachowskis were like “Oh, Blim is a way better name than what we came up with. Let’s go with Blemh!”

Maybe just go watch The Matrix again instead.

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