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Please Oh Please Oh Please Let This Story About Sean Hannity Be True

By Vivian Kane | Twitter | July 27, 2016 |

By Vivian Kane | Twitter | July 27, 2016 |

There have been a lot of amazing moments to come out of the first two days of the DNC: Michelle Obama’s speech, to be sure; Bill Clinton’s retelling of his own personal classic rom-com, for another. But the single best story set against the convention backdrop is one that is totally unconfirmed, and possibly/probably/almost definitely made up. But oh wow will your day be made brighter if we choose to believe it’s true.

Now, we don’t love reveling in the embarrassment of others (okay, yes, sometimes we really do), but just to clear your mind of any guilt here, this story is about Sean Hannity. Sean Hannity, who has made a VERY lucrative, fame-spiraling career out of saying pretty much nothing but privileged, destructive, obtuse bullshit. For example:



There are countless more examples of Hannity’s projectile word vomit, but that’s enough to get you not feeling bad about laughing at this man’s horribleness, right? Especially because this story isn’t really about anything that happened TO him— it’s all about what he does and who he is. It’s comeuppance for a man who loves to proclaim loudly that he’s being held down, without ever taking a step back to realize that he is the source of basically everything wrong with the world.

With that primer to absolve you of any schadenfreudic guilt, here is the single greatest story of the last few days, as retold on Twitter.

Is this story true? I don’t know. Probably not. E. Mo Black (now “Emo 1 Guy,” inspired by Hannity clearly not wanting to write the word “Negro” when refuting this story) has “satirist” in his Twitter bio. (Although, his commentary through the DNC has been nothing but sharp and on-point.) Hannity WAS at that WaWa that night:

And he had an altercation with SOMEONE (while ordering a meatball sub)

So maybe the story is totally fabricated. But you know what that makes it? Really fantastic fanfic. The best fan fiction comes in stories that are made up by people who know the characters so well that the stories could fit seamlessly into their canon. And oh boy, does this sound like a story that COULD be true, as starring Hannity. So I’m going to file this away in my brain as— even if not factual— the greatest story ever told about one of the world’s worst people.

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