The Puzzling Morning Show That Refuses To Seat The Female Host

By Lord Castleton | TV | October 5, 2015 |

By Lord Castleton | TV | October 5, 2015 |

One of the reasons the glass ceiling is made of glass is because it can be difficult to see. It can feel invisible, even when you know it’s there.

But what if it’s easy to see? What if it’s right in front of you every morning at 8 am and again at 10 am? What if it’s so obvious that no one seems to even notice?

And by that I mean this setup of NFL HQ, the NFL Network’s premiere wake-up-to-football morning programming.

Here’s what it looks like:

Dudes seated comfortably in chairs. Lone gal standing in stilettos.

That’s not a one day thing. That’s how it is every morning. The dudes are always kicking back. Erin Coscarelli is always standing up.

Why?

Well, probably because the NFL is all about player safety, and that dress may be too slippery for a chair. That’s probably the reason.

Oh, the NFL Network! I thought I hated you when you took Nicole Zaloumis’ radiant smile and upbeat can-do attitude off my big screen every morning because you decided that it was time for her to pretend like she needed more time with her family, but this?

And can we take our foot off the gas with the high heels? Do the ladies always have to be so made up? Is it always date night every morning at 8 am for Eric Coscarelli? She looks way more comfortable like this, anyway.

It’s weird because when you do a little research into the demographics of NFL football watchers, you learn that the higher your income the more likely you are to be a football fan. This is a couple of years old but this is basically the gist.

So, usually that means higher levels of education, etc. And is that really what today’s NFL fan (a growing number of whom are women) wants? A minx in a cocktail dress at eight o’clock in the morning?

Maybe they do. Maybe that’s all people want: to see someone in way more uncomfortable clothes than them.

But look at that NFL HQ set! I mean, it’s reached porn levels of unfairness. “That girl wouldn’t bang that guy in million years!” That’s what I used to yell out loud way way back when I watched porn. Yesterday. Because when it comes to porn and the NFL Network, I’m a goddamn stickler for casting.

Why are there dudes with no ties in like moccasins and shit where all the women have to dress like they’re presenting at the Academy Awards? Granted, not every dude has a pig face. I certainly wouldn’t fault anyone for falling for former male model Elliot Harrison.

I mean, that dude is one Morninghead cap away from being the next Branch Connally on Longmire.

But can a football commentator who just happens to be a woman just hang with other commentators and just dish about pigskin? And can she get a goddamn chair?

Isn’t a girl in casual attire still great if you’re just there for the message? For the sports talk?

Oh, right. That’s not why these women are there.

Intro them segments, tinkerbell, and then look purty as the men decide what’s really going on in football. Can you have a seat? HAHAHAHA. Please. Don’t make us Nicole Zaloumis your ass, which, incidentally better fit in the Under Armour size zero LBD made from one of David Beckham’s lycra socks.

And that’s not to say that girls have to be either attractive or intelligent. Over on NBC Sports, Kay Adams is both. They slip her into more skin tight shit and geisha outfits than they need to, but she walks the walk and can hang with the boys.

And sometimes they even let her wear a jacket and trousers! Who says equality doesn’t exist?

Granted, those days make it super difficult to masturbate to a fantasy football program but what are you gonna do? Maybe on the days when Kay wears pants they could set Ross Tucker up in a pair of capri pants or something? Maybe a kick ass kilt? Just a thought. But NBC Sports is getting it right. Yes, they make sure to take Kay out from behind the desk so you can actually drink her in, but she’s a full fledged analyst, with opinions as well formed and articulate as any of her male counterparts.

They certainly know that Kay Adams is attractive, but they play it as a bonus, rather than a main feature, and that’s the right way to go.

Or let’s get the gals from Her Fantasy Football on television. They’re all attractive, but more than that THEY KNOW THEIR SHIT. Brandon Marianne Lee, Ashley Williams and Courtney Kirby, three sisters who get it and practice it and can hang with any dude.

This is a great stat breakdown I poached from their website:

If you believe those numbers, then 45% of NFL watchers are women and you’re telling me they’re okay with having virtually no women in the announcers booth calling games? The NFL has finally hired their first female official and female coach. But the concept of seating someone on your morning show is a bridge too far?

The sad thing is when NFL AM (which seated the women with the men) was scrapped, this new NFL HQ format took its place. And that’s a pretty clear step in the wrong direction.

It’s just pathetic and arcane that the bar for women in 2015 is that they have to be smart and pretty. So that’s the bar, huh? Because football (and fantasy football) features some of the ass-ugliest men you’ll ever see. Just violent on the eyes. And some of them sound like they have milk in their nose. It’s amazing they get out a complete sentence before filling their pie-holes with more Quiznos. They’re like modern day Quasimodos, but they have a job because they’re good at football. Period.

I know, I know. This isn’t news. This is how it’s always been for women. But if you believe the statistics about the typical NFL fan being more educated and more wealthy, one would hope that we’d also be more ready to accept a massive shake-up on NFL HQ, by giving a woman a seat at the table.

Literally.