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crazy mondo.jpg

Where Joy and Happiness Go to Die

By Figgy | TV | September 20, 2010 |

By Figgy | TV | September 20, 2010 |

Previously: An exciting team challenge led to some drama between Ivy (Supreme Bitch Queen of the season) and Michael D. We see Michael Kors telling Valerie to make better choices, which starts out the editor’s stupid ploy to make us believe that Val will be going home this week. April won, and Casanova went home.

Heidi tells the designers that, for their next challenge, they’ll have to look to the past. Then she leaves. I don’t get why we have this initial segment with Heidi at all, other than to fill up the hour-and-a-half running time. They’re not even picking models anymore. Or maybe they are, but we’re not seeing it? Whatever, no one cares about the models, do they? Gretchen whines that she just doesn’t want to be forced into making a corset. I guess she just enjoys making her models not wear bras or supportive wear of any kind under her sack dresses and multiple raggedy tops.

Tim greets them at a giant studio, where he’s standing in front of a screen showing photos of Jackie Kennedy in various stylish outfits. He tells them how she was a fashion icon, representing elegance, poise, etc, etc. The portrait of American sportswear. Their challenge is to create a look that shows their take on Classic American Sportswear, using Jackie Kennedy as their inspiration. I sigh a little, because it’s not a very exciting challenge and this particular crop of designers isn’t exactly an innovative bunch, with maybe a couple of exceptions. But we’ll see.

They’re off to Mood, where Tim tells the designers to think of expensive and sophisticated fabrics. Ivy, unsurprisingly, is picking black and white as I roll my eyes at the screen. Didn’t the judges tell her to wow them this week? Go home, Ivy.

Workroom. I see that Mondo is dressed like a combination of Freddie Krueger and a hipster clown. It’s very disturbing. Gretchen interviews she’s “very concerned” about Mondo’s look. I grit my teeth and tell her to stop trying to steal Tim Gunn’s lines. One day the people on the screen will hear me, I swear it.

Michael D says that he doesn’t like sportswear, so he’ll make something a little more expensive. I think he’s missing the whole point of the challenge. He jokes that the judges might think it’s too expensive. Oh, Michael. It’s cute how you think you’ll succeed by missing the mark entirely. Valerie cracks up and I think she might have a little crush on Mickey D. He makes a joke about making clothes for the earliest Americans: “…The Puritans”. He’s really quite adorably goofy even if his voice is a little grating. Plus, he’s really cute. Can’t say I blame Valerie.

Hmm. Valerie talks to Gretchen about her look, asking for Gretchen’s opinion. Considering that earlier on we also saw Mondo asking Gretchen for advice, I’m wondering why they’re all going to her for advice. I’d be perfectly willing to lay aside my utter dislike for her if her designs were really impressive, but I honestly don’t think she’s that good at either sewing or designing. Maybe she just fakes it really well, or it’s the aura of self-assuredness she projects, or just that these people are all really insecure. It’s weird, whatever it is.

Tim arrives and talks to Christopher. As he does, April interviews that his dress looks like her grandmother’s dress. It does look kind of bland and gray, but April really needs to learn to keep things to herself; she’s getting to be an awful lot like Gretchen with the constant, unwanted criticism of other people’s work.

Tim tells Valerie to be careful about not making her pants too vulgar by fitting them at the hip. She is asking him a lot of questions, and does seem insecure. Tim is impressed by a fancy print Mondo found: it’s purple, white and black and just perfectly Mondo. Michael D puts it quite well: “It’s like if Jackie O got a healthy dose of mescaline in the desert.” Everyone agrees that Michael D’s skirt looks like something out of The Crucible, and it really is quite a depressing-looking skirt in a terrible color.

April bitchily comments that Jackie O wouldn’t wear Andy’s bizarro pants. Maybe not, but at least he’s trying something different. Unlike you, Little Miss Black Spikes and Unflattering Diaper Shorts. Also, what is it with these four remaining women? They’re always so bitchy and nosing into everyone’s business. I’m sure they’re prompted to do it in the interviews, but it can’t be that hard to keep it to themselves.

Speaking of, Valerie says that Michael C’s look is a little confusing. In all fairness to Val, (who doesn’t seem as nasty as the others) that is the second time someone’s said that they can’t figure out who MC is as a designer. And I think I can even agree with that— his stuff has been all over the place and I really don’t get his style as I do the others’. I’m glad they stopped bitching about his sewing skills, at least.

Gretchen makes a funny when she mocks Heidi judging Michael D’s look. “I don’t know if I should be harvesting wheat, or beating you with it” she says. Hee. That’s such a Heidi thing to say. Then she goes back to being judgmental about Ivy. But Ivy deserves it, so whatever. They can both go sit in the corner under some dark blankets for all I care. Just so long as I don’t have to look at them anymore.

The next day, Tim arrives at the workroom, which freaks everyone out. Come on. They had to know that the challenge was way too easy as it was. Indeed, he tells them that this won’t be a runway day, as there’s an added element to the challenge. They’ll have to create an outerwear garment to complement their look, and they’ll have extra money and time to finish their pieces. Most of the designers are annoyed, but none of them is as worried as Valerie, whose top is already a jacket.

They sketch some more before they head out to Mood again. Twice the Mood does not mean twice the fun. There’s a hilarious moment when Michael C goes up to some fabric he wants to use, but it’s very quickly taken from his hands by Gretchen, who says “I’m using that” and goes around him to grab the bolt of fabric. He looks both amused and disgusted, but he lets it go, much to my disappointment. I wish we had more outwardly evil people this season. They’re all so nice to each other. At least outside the interview room.

The designers return to the workroom, and Gretchen bitches about MC creating three or four looks before settling on one, and that he has no conviction. That might be true, but why do you give a shit, Gretchen? Focus on your own shitty work and win something for a change. What the hell is it to you if he has no point of view? Isn’t it actually good for you? If the judges don’t like his work then they’ll send him home, and maybe then you can stop worrying your pretty little head about his life and his work. In the meantime, just shut the fuck up and stop pretending to be the fifth judge in the competition and like you’re so concerned about everyone. No one gives a shit what you think, Gretchen. About anything. Oh, how I hate that woman.

Much to my relief, Tim comes back in. And, ha! This is when he tells Andy that “Jackie O would not have camel toe!” in that utterly delightful way of his. Oh, Tim.

The next day, Mondo is dressed even more bizarrely than ever and oh I just have to describe this for you guys. See if you can form the mental picture: tiny man in formal black shorts, suspenders, white tank top with some black flowers sticking out of it, patterned knee-high socks and shiny shoes. Plus slicked-back hair and a LOT of eyeliner. Wowza. He does a little tap dance for Christopher and Michael D, and I fall in love with him some more. He is so weird and wonderful and I hope he wins the whole competition.

Michael D interviews that there’s a lot of animosity towards Michael C, maybe because of some kind of bullshit elitism from designers with giant egos. MD says there’s a lot of people (and you know he means Ivy, Gretchen and April) who look down on MC’s lack of formal education, and, it seems, his lack of a giant ego. Thank you, MD. You’ve nailed it. Some of these people are just incredibly egotistic and bitchy, and when they see someone whom they don’t see as being on their level, but is still successful , they get nasty and resentful. Bunch of bitches, is what they are.

Hair and makeup. Mondo freaks out about a broken zipper. God that’s a lot of stupid filler. Then we get a horrible segment that consists of nothing but Gretchen running through everyone’s designs and trashing them. Guys, I know I have to report it, but I fully confess I muted that shit because I couldn’t stand the anger at hearing that bitch talk shit about everyone. I cannot take her voice, her disdain and her fucking delusions anymore. She’s a horrible human being who doesn’t know how to keep her mouth shut, and I want her to go the hell away with her hippie-hobo wear and her mountains of irrational delusion. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Heidi is very sparkly at the Runway Where Joy and Happiness Went to Die. Nina’s eyes are very dead, and January Jones is the guest judge. She is very pretty and Ice-Queenish, isn’t she? Love her on “Mad Men” but she’s kind of unlikable outside of it. I’m not sure why she’s judging, especially given that the last thing we saw her in was in that blue dress at the Emmys with shiny blue shells over her boobs. She must have a movie coming out or something.

Christopher made a form-fitting grey dress, which is quite pretty and very Jackie O, but the horrible shrug he made from furs and leather looks like a dead animal. It’s awful and looks like it smells bad. Then she takes off the shrug and she seriously looks like she’s carrying roadkill. Ick. He’s lucky the dress is so elegant.

April made yet another black pencil skirt and a top with funky sleeves. Jesus, woman. Make something different for once! It’s incredibly boring and unremarkable.

Sigh. Ivy made high-waisted black pants, an asymmetrical top, and a jacket made out of thin, grey fabric. It’s not horrible, but it’s completely fucking forgettable and unremarkable but for the cut of the blouse, which is interesting. The jacket has a horrible bow in the back. Yet another Rich Mom Goes to Lunch look. Blegh.

I can’t help but think that other designers from previous seasons could have made something at least a little more updated and exciting.

Michael C made a dark blue, off-the-shoulder cocktail dress with a short-sleeved jacket that’s a dark gray color. It’s not terrible, but I don’t see the classic inspiration or the sportswear look at all. It’s a nice dress, I suppose, but nothing to do with the challenge.

Gretchen, again, made a very layered look in boring colors. Argh. I get that you have to stick to your aesthetics and style, but these people just keep making the same shit over and over and over again. Tell me it’s not just me, guys. This is all mind numbingly repetitive, with maybe the exception of Andy and Mondo. Anyway. She made a knee-length skirt in a patterned fabric, a black halter top with another skinny belt going across it, and a big tan coat over the whole thing.

Michael D’s look is a bit of a mixed bag, and most of it is very bad . He has the funky bunched skirt, which does look very heavy and ill-fitting at the waist. There’s a gray top with a white one underneath that’s quite horrible because it clashes so badly with the severity of the skirt. The little jacket is not bad, but the rest of the look is. Just unfortunate all around.

Valerie’s look is cute, but maybe not Jackie O. She has a short black skirt, a dark grey vest and her purple jacket thing underneath, which has a funky collar. It’s definitely wearable, but not terribly sophisticated.

Whoa. Andy’s pants are gigantic. They balloon out and make the model look like she’s got saddlebags strapped to her sides. Wisely, he made just a fitted white top and a small vest. But…oh god the pants are so strange, and the crotch is not good. I’m not sure it’s Jackie O at all, though I think it’s cool in a very weird way. Or at least the idea was.

Mondo used his funky purple pattern to make a pencil skirt. He has a black-and-white striped top and a little black jacket over everything. It’s very Mondo, in that he combined a lot of different textures and patterns. I love it. It’s funky and gorgeously made, and there’s something that definitely invokes Jackie O.

Michael C, April and Gretchen are safe. Michael C is relieved that they ignored his cocktail dress. I think he’s lucky that other people were worse, as usual. Gretchen is seriously offended, and bitches about how her look was perfect for the challenge. She’s so delusional. Michael C is a baby and lies to her that he loved her stuff, then says in an interview that he was lying. Why would you do that? Either say it to her face, or don’t say anything at all.

The judges talk to Valerie, who says she wanted something modern and edgy. Heidi is confused about the jacket over a jacket. The Brown Kors hates it and says that he thinks it’s sad, boring, and un-designed. Poor Val. They’re really trashing the look. Nina says that she’s sick of the pleating and zippers that Val keeps doing, and I definitely agree that she does that way too much. But then again, a lot of the other people keep repeating the same shit and they’re not called out on it. Be consistent, people.

January loves Christopher’s look. I think the dress is very pretty, but the shrug is just flat-out creepy. Kors agrees. Heidi says the wrap looks like a dirty rug. It really does. I get the feeling that, once again, they really had to reach to come up with a top 3.

Michael D says that he wanted something modern that also looked to the past. Kors says it’s schizophrenic. “Old lady on top, skater on the bottom,” or something. It’s one of his bizarre metaphors. Point is he hates it. Poor Michael D. I know I keep calling them “poor,” but the judges are nasty today. Kors hates the skirt and that the top is badly fitted. Hell, it looks like a Gretchen top. Nina and Kors are seriously insulted by this look and I can’t help but think they’re way overreacting. Yeah, it’s a bad look, but to call it insulting? Calm the hell down!

Mondo says that he wanted something a little over the top. Heidi says she could see Jackie O in it. I really love the look, and the purple lining of the coat is lovely. I’m crazy about the top. And they say that the mix of textures was fun. The judges absolutely love it, and I do a little happy dance for Mondo.

Ivy. She says she got inspired by squares and triangles because “shapes are timeless.” What? That means nothing. I hate that flimsy jacket, but the neckline in the top is nice. Heidi says it’s over-designed. She says “boobhole” most hilariously. They all like it better without the coat. It is a nice top. I just think it’s boring, even if it’s nicely constructed and sewn.

Andy. Uh oh. Those pants look like you could pull a cord and they’d come up. That’d actually be awesome. Heidi is really mean, saying that she wants to crack up and that like she’s in a different planet. You can almost see Andy’s heart drop to his ankles. She is really quite horrible, actually laughing as she trashes it. I feel terrible for him, even if the pants were a terrible idea. This is just ugly, though. Andy says he doesn’t consider himself an American Sportswear designer which, what, is that wrong? Because Kors bitches “what are you, a grand couturier?” and is that really necessary, Kors? Listen, Brown One, I saw your recent collection. It was quite hideous, but you make money, so that’s all right. Just stop being such a horrible bitch to Andy. At this point I wanted nothing more than to be able to reach into the TV and slap the hell out of Heidi. She was just unnecessarily, over-the-top rude to the poor guy. Like he had insulted her bangs or something. Andy is really angry, and I cannot blame him, especially because he knows he can’t talk back. Just stop it, judges. This is brutal. Why are they such witches today? Every single one of them was horrible.

The designers are finally dismissed, battle weary after another brutal judging session.

They hate Valerie’s look and say it looks boring. About Andy, they think it was inappropriate in every way. God, they’re like the bitchy kids in high school. January Jones laughs evilly, and you know she was the cheerleader captain or something. Michael D over-thought everything. They liked Christopher’s dress but that the shrug killed it. They’re impressed by Mondo’s way of putting his own crazy aesthetic onto the idea of Jackie O, and how chic it was. While they like Ivy’s look, Heidi thinks it’s a little old.

The sheep are brought back for the final slaughter. Mondo is declared the clear winner. Hooray! I’m so happy for him. To go from bottom 3 to winner is pretty impressive, too.

Christopher is in, as well as Ivy and Andy. Oh, I’m glad for him, specially after that swimsuit he made last week. He says he’ll try to figure out what the judges want next week. Good luck with that, Cheekbones.

They tell Valerie that her look was badly executed Mall Wear. Ouch. To Michael they say that it was a bad mismatch and a general mess. Michael D is out. Selfishly, I’m glad he’s gone so that I can write about only one Michael. MD tells Tim that he knows he didn’t listen to his advice, but that he’s all right with it. Tim is quite gracious about it, calling the look his “Waterloo,” a reference MD doesn’t understand. The oh-so-helpful editors pull up a card with the meaning of the word on it.

And that’s that. It was kind of a boring episode, but how brutal was that judging? Why were they so angry with Andy for not following directions, but they let Michael C get by with what even he admitted was just a cocktail dress? How long will Ivy and Gretchen skate by with mediocre looks? And now that we’re at about the halfway point, is there anyone that you can see being in the top 3? Also, how badly do we want to throw Gretchen, Ivy, April and (while we’re at it) Heidi Klum into a pit for the way they acted this week? So, so badly. See you next week.

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX, and she wants you to make it work.. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog or follow her on twitter.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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