What a load of shit that was. I had to look up the writers of this episode (Kate Barnow & Elisabeth R. Finch) to see why it went so wrong. The two have only written three episodes of True Blood across the seasons and a handful of other television scripts, and it shows. The entire first half of “9 Crimes” was flat out boring, and the second half was disconnected and nonsensical and still boring. Thank goodness for that short fantasy scene that could be altered in mind playback for my own purposes.
I don’t know if it’s the actors, the writing or both, but the Sookie/Alcide scenes are a sore disappointment in comparison with Club Dead. Back at his apartment, Sookie tends to Alcide’s wounds after his barroom beat down. The two blather on about nothing, with zero chemistry, causing complete indifference to their conversation. Alcide is upset over weres using V, Sookie is curious about Alcide’s ex-fiance and we impatiently wait for the next scene. Sookie’s cell phone rings; it’s Bill calling to let her know he’s leaving Bon Temps and her. Bill tells Sookie that he porked Lorena as only two vampires can pork and stoically proclaims he cannot be with Sookie anymore. Sookie sobs and says she doesn’t believe him, but Bill doesn’t give a shit and asserts that Sookie should not look for him - he doesn’t want to be found. But you know and I know and I’m sure Bill knows, Sookie won’t give up. She cries and whines about Bill to Alcide. Even though Alcide is shirtless and hot, the scene is so bad I don’t want to pay attention.
Sam runs into the night screaming after the Tommy-bird. He discovers a van, knocks on the side and Mama Melinda answers the sliding door. She tells Sam they’ve gotten behind on the rent and when Sam lets her know Tommy was trying to steal from him, Melinda says that’s just what he does when things go badly. Sam tells Melinda the family can’t live in the parking lot and she promises they’ll leave as soon as Tommy returns.
Franklin has Tara under his spell and he interrogates her about Sookie and Bill. He compels Tara to phone Sookie to find out where exactly she is. Franklin feeds words to Tara, who creepily repeats them over the phone to Sookie, but they fail to get Sookie’s location. Franklin viciously bites Tara - who the hell cares?
Lorena is giddy over having had her warped, twisted way with Bill, but he’s still pretty pissed. When she suggests Bill will eventually fall in love with her, he punches Lorena so hard in the face she flies right out the silver doors and he burns his hands slamming them shut.
Sookie can’t sleep, she discovers Eric hanging around outside her window and invites him in. Sookie smells the ocean on Eric. She tells him he played by the North Sea as a child and when he asks how she knows this, Sookie says she can smell his memories. Sensually kissing Eric, Sookie slips off her robe and pushes him back onto the bed asking if he wants more, but she’s only a daydream. (Clearly the Skarsgård can have chemistry with anyone, because this scene is steamy.) Eric is startled back to reality by Yvetta’s “Am I boring you?” inquiry.
Alcide makes breakfast for Sookie and asks when she’ll be ready to leave. Sookie predictably refuses to go until she finds out for sure that Bill isn’t being held against his will. Sookie wants Alcide to take her to Debbie and Cooter’s engagement party at Lou Pine’s but Alcide gets angry and takes off, saying Sookie should work out her own shit. Later on, Alcide’s sister Janice (Dawn Olivieri) drops by and gives Sookie an unconvincing tough chick makeover (black hair and clothes) so Sookie can to go back to Lou Pine’s. While she’s there, Sookie hears Janice’s thoughts that Debbie is being inducted into Cooter’s gang; Sookie passes on the information to Alcide when he returns and he agrees to go back to the bar to investigate.
Franklin thoughtfully leaves Tara bound and tied to the toilet so she can’t answer Lafayette’s call (but nature’s - she can!).
Bud Dearborne’s fast-track retirement party is held at Merlotte’s and Bud announces that Andy is Bon Temps’ new sheriff. An ego-bruised Jason, realizing that life is quickly passing, gets in some young punk’s face and gives both the punk and himself a lecture on how easy it is to go from the top of the pile to the bottom. Afterward, Jason follows Andy to the men’s room and attempts to blackmail Andy into making Jason an insta-cop.
Russell and Bill share a drink and a cigar and discuss the Queen. Bill tells Russell he wants Lorena disappeared when Bill has fulfilled his duties. When Russell seemingly agrees, Bill throws Eric under the bus as the Queen’s V seller.
Franklin comes back to Tara when the sun goes down, acting like a bi-polar lover/terrorizer. He kidnaps Tara and brings her to Russell’s Pleasure Palace where Talbot sneeringly greets and then tries to turn away Franklin, saying that Russell is out. But Franklin won’t be dissuaded from waiting, he takes a seat as Tara stands quivering.
Sam hires Jessica as a hostess, but Arlene still complains that she needs more help - not more redheads. Jessica runs into a guy who thinks she is still alive and praises Jesus; Jessica glams him so he’ll forget having seen her (not sure about Jesus). After Terry lets Sam know his family is grilling in the parking lot, Sam finds Tommy in the woods nearby. They have a brotherly talk; Sam offers Tommy a chance to stay with him but Tommy doesn’t want to leave his parents helpless. So Sam brings Tommy to his parents and offers them a place to stay if they keep their noses clean.
Lafayette tries to make a V-selling deal with Hot Shot drug dealer Calvin Norris (Gregory Sporleder) but ends up getting his ass kicked. Eric flies in before things go too far, closes the deal and escorts “RuPaul” off the property. In the car, Eric receives a call from Pam who advises him the club is being raided by the Magister. Pam warns Eric not to return just before the Magister has her taken into custody.
Eric shows up at Fangtasia just as Pam is being tortured by the Magister. Pam throws out Bill’s name (as the V seller) in lieu of the Queen and Eric goes along with her. The Magister threatens to kill Pam in two days unless Eric finds Bill.
Russell, Lorena and Bill take a ride, stopping outside a strip club. Russell orders Bill to procure dinner. Russell excuses himself, telling Lorena he has an errand to run and if he’s not back in time, they may start without him.
Sookie puts on another idiotic persona and does shots at Lou Pine’s, unrecognized by the moron who had his paws on her the night before. Alcide’s ex-girlfriend Debbie lets her jealousy out; Alcide and Debbie fight until Sookie steps in to tell Debbie Alcide is there to save her. Cooter demands Alcide leave but Debbie wants Alcide to stay so he’ll see that Debbie is committed to Cooter. Just when we’re wondering how stupid this scene can get, Russell shows up, announcing in German to the bar full of weres that “Now they shall drink the dark wine.” He bites his own arm and drips blood into a tray full of shot glasses which are passed out to the patrons. All the weres drink on Russell’s command as he makes a toast to their “collaboration”, then leaves them to celebrate. Sookie and Alcide exchange confused glances. Debbie is held down and branded by the weres, then her wound licked by Cooter just after he changes to a wolf. As all the weres begin howling and shifting, Alcide warns Sookie to run.
Bill heads into the club to find someone “ethnic” as requested. Bill buys a drink for a stripper, glams her and finds she has no family nor much will to live. He takes her out to the limo for a party, which is just another way of saying the three vamps will share her as a meal. As he’s headed into the vehicle, Bill feels Sookie’s desperation and for just a moment, he looks panicked and hesitates. Inside, Russell and Lorena begin their feast and Russell commands Bill to join them. The stripper screams and the limousine undercarriage drips blood.
Aside from the short scenes with Eric, especially his ride along with Lafayette, (I’d like to see these two do a buddy cop show) the interesting bits of this episode involved Bill and his continuing tortured journey into darkness. Whether or not he’s doing it all for Sookie, Bill keeps thrusting himself painfully forward and I’m enjoying his dark side oh so much more than when he was just a protective boyfriend. The good guys who never give in to their inner bad boys just can’t hold a candle to those who do. So here’s my inner bad girl saying, “Hey Alan Ball! Never let those two write an episode again!” I’d like to stay awake the next one. Closing credits: Damien Rice “9 Crimes”
Cindy is no vampire (not that there’s anything wrong with them). You can reach Cindy here