I have two kids, so I think about death constantly. There’s no escaping it. It comes for us all. Hopefully, it won’t come for me or my family any time soon, but try telling that to my over-active imagination, which has been fed a steady stream of horror movies for 30 years. Here is a perfect example of me at all times.
I have been able to garner some comfort about my inevitable passing. There’s a good chance that I won’t know it happened. Things will just kind of … shut off at some point. Or, I’ll be collateral damage in some large-scale attack, incinerated before I have a chance to catch my last breath. A less-likely option is that I end up awaiting execution, fully aware of my impending doom, but able to eat whatever the hell I want (finally)!
The idea of a final meal had not crossed my mind until a recent special episode of Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend. Ideally, I won’t commit any crimes worthy of a death row sentence. However, if I do snap under the pressure of helping raise two beautiful children on a dying planet, your boy will stuff himself silly.
Hearing Conan, Sona Movsesian, and Matt Gourley discuss their preferred final meals strengthened my ability to think about humanity’s great equalizer. Yes, Conan is speaking in jest, but planning for death almost makes it less scary. Instead of worrying that I was wrong to dismiss my Catholic upbringing and that Satan will be greeting me with open arms, I can distract myself by ensuring the chef encrusts my chicken in Cheez-its and not Cheetos (that note is based on a mistake made at my wedding).
Since I’ve already tipped my hand, here’s what I think I would have for my last meal. I want a Vanilla Coke to drink (why not, I’m almost dead). The Cheez-it-encrusted chicken is no joke. Make them tenders with a nice side of Ranch, and we’re off to a great start. A lobster with melted butter would be my main course, with a skirt steak and mashed potatoes. Finally, the most massive peanut butter cup the guards can find.
My tastes may change before or after I commit my death-sentence-worthy crime. Still, I don’t see my final meal going through many changes. What would you eat for your last meal? Pizza and wine like Conan? Cheez-it chicken and lobster like me? You’ve got options, so let’s get brainstorming! It will help distract me from the fact that we will all shuffle off this mortal coil at some point or another.