Vanderpump Rules, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and Bravo Catch Up: Putting Jax Taylor First

By Kate Hudson | TV | April 23, 2019 |

By Kate Hudson | TV | April 23, 2019 |

Vanderpump Rules

Oh Jax, you endearing sociopath, you. Never change—and I’m pretty sure you won’t, so there’s no problem here.

We’re going to save the best for last and get into the two most annoying people on the show, each who had a significant presence this episode.

First up, DJ James Kennedy, who is just the worst. Look, I enjoyed DJJK’s presence on the show when he was some scrappy bus boy punching above his weight trying to worm his way into the group. He had some funny one-liners and was a generally not disagreeable seasoning to add to the soufflé of narcissism and alcohol that fuels the SURvers. Then, something horrible happened. DJJK and the producers of VPR decided that James was no longer a supporting character and was brought up to the big leagues. He broke up with Doute and started getting his storylines. It didn’t fall apart immediately because the SURvers need to travel in packs for their tomfoolery to be seen as endearing and not horrible. So DJJK eked a season or two out of being Lala’s partner in crime, but once he burned that bridge, DJJK stood alone and became the tedious mess of hair gel, alcohol, and desperation that he is this season. All he has in his corner are Raquel (and friends, we know about Raquel) Billie Lee (who is playing her own thirst game to get status on the cast) and … that’s about it.

Anyway, this episode was more of the same from DJJK. He showed up, begging Lisa for his job back but is too dumb to realize he at least needs to tell her he’s stopped drinking (and … really should stop drinking) but he copped to a few beers, which doesn’t even count as alcohol to him. (I don’t understand that logic, but it makes me think there are some real, serious alcohol issues at play here.) Lisa turned him down for another chance (he’s had like, four chances here, so…) and instead, Lisa called Lala to try to talk some sense into him.

Obviously, it’s not Lala’s job to prop DJJK up, but she loves a storyline as much as any of em do, so she tries to have a heart-to-heart with James, and he could not be bothered. He basically gives her a few minutes of his time and then walks off muttering about how she’s changed for the worst — what a s*itty thing to say about someone whose Dad has just died.

It’s clear DJJK is on a path nowhere good, and while I hope he’s able to course correct, I fear we’re on a Kim Richards type of trajectory with him if he stays on the show, and I don’t think that will help anyone here.

Next up in the “oh, you’re still a cast member?” parade is Scheana. I guess she needs to have some solo scenes this season because I’m pretty sure it’s contractually obligated. Anyway, Scheana and Adam are “best friends” according to Scheana, who sleep together, talk every day, and hang out a lot. Adam doesn’t want to commit, so Scheana (and he) see other people. Scheana’s weird date with a male model was on full display here, with Scheana Snapchatting it to Ariana and Stassi (who just happened to be having drinks with Adam at TomTom, and make no mistake, Adam doesn’t hang out solo with this crew…) basically so that we could get Adam’s reaction (I think the producers think we care about Adam and his response?! I mean, I don’t. Do you?)

The only fun thing about this whole storyline is to see how much thirst Scheana will display for the cameras, and our girl was parched last night. Bless her; I died a little when she shoved her hands down her date’s pants (he had a convenient tear in his pocket that leads straight to his junk, friends.) It looks like next week Scheana and Adam have their big confrontation over their relationship—look, I’m not saying we have a Kenya and her paid-to-be-on-tv boyfriends type of situation here, but I’m not not saying it, either.

On to the main event: Jax and Britney’s build up to the engagement party!

Jax was in full glory here, and his appearance this ep reminded me why I love this show: remorseless a*sholes living their truth.

So, Britney’s family is in town to attend her engagement party, and they all assemble at Jax and Britney’s to have what appears to be a fast-food catered brunch, along with Jax’s sister and her husband. Jax, who as you may recall cheated on Britney last season and then broke up with her immediately after having sex with her, enjoyed demonstrating to Britney’s dad that he was a changed man. Lol. JK. Of course, he didn’t!

First we get Jax in a talking head taking credit for buying Britney’s brother a baby (he matched every donation at a fundraiser for IVF for her brother and sister-in-law); then we see him taking credit for all of the home improvements that have been done in the apartment to her dad; and then laughing about it and saying that Britney did all the work. Then, bless him, he leaves everyone to get a tattoo with his sister, because why not?

Here’s the irony of ironies: he literally gets “make good choices” tattooed on his arm, in his dad’s handwriting. Seriously, this is the guy who stole sunglasses in Hawaii and went to jail the day he was supposed to fly home, getting that tattooed on his arm. The cognitive dissonance is breathtaking, and I love him for it.

Britney tries on dresses and blah blah blah, I don’t care, do you? The only reason that scene is worth bringing up is Doute going full-on Doute and trying to micromanage the entire thing to make it perfect for Britney. I mean it was fine, so I guess mission accomplished?

Britney asks Katie to be her matron of honor (she already has a maid of honor), because as we find out in a later scene, Britney has like, 25 bridesmaids, so she clearly needs a few team leads to wrangle the troops.

Finally, Britney has a bridesmaid’s brunch (I think at Pump, but it might have been SUR) to ask her bridesmaids to be bridesmaids formally—Stassi, Ariana, and Doute are asked. Doute is upset she’s only just a bridesmaid and not the top one, like Katie…but she’s not married, she dejectedly relates in her talking head, so never really had a chance, did she? Anyway, I looked up how much those dumb enchanted roses Britney gave to her bridesmaids were, and they’re like $140 a pop! I hope she got them free in a swap for airtime. All I got when I was last asked to be a bridesmaid, was a shot glass with my name on it …

Anyway, Britney is super dull compared to the f*ckery of Jax, and it reaches a crescendo when he goes out for drinks with the dudes while Britney has her bridesmaids’ brunch.

Britney’s dad asks Jax if he’s changed, and Jax somehow manages to turn that question into declaring to all of the men in Britney’s family that Jax is going to look out for himself first and foremost in that marriage.

via GIPHY

This is all made even better when you see his brother in law just reacting with increased visible discomfort and disbelief to the conversations around him. Of course, Britney’s brothers threaten Jax if he ever hurts her again, blah blah blah and…yeah. It was just beautiful. I love Jax, because he clearly knows he bankrolls most of that family so he can do what he wants, and rather than handle that graciously, he gives no f*cks because Jax Taylor is gonna Jax Taylor.

via GIPHY

Odds and ends include Ariana trying to get herself a storyline by starting s*it with Lisa over the perceived disrespect Lisa has for her “partners,” the Toms (looks like their confrontation happens next week.) I have some feelings on this because look—those two, all in, invested in TomTom $100,000 (50k, each.) Friends, I doubt 100k even covers the hardware for the lighting in that place. LVP easily invested high six-figures, low seven-figures to build out that space. The Toms are not partners in this—they are minority stake-holder investors (apparently they own 10% of the business) and the only reason they have that distinction, I believe, is because Lisa is financially savvy, and a non-compete clause in California is only enforceable if you have equity in a company, which the Toms now have, because they bought in.

Ariana, specifically, needs to chill.

Moving on to …

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Rinna came for Camille, and I’m here for it. I also fully believe it was a set up to make Camille look bad, and I’m here for that, too.

Lois — Rinna’s mother was in town — so Rinna decided to have all the ladies not named Lisa Vanderpump to dinner. Then, someone asks why Harry Hamlin wasn’t there, and Rinna clunkily brings up he’s too busy because he’s glued to the news, because the Brett Kavanaugh hearings were that day. Then f*cking Camille Grammer (probably not unsurprisingly) comes out in support of Brett Kavanaugh for reasons that only made sense to white women who want to remain top o’ the heap. Dr. Blasey Ford wasn’t the perfect victim, and Camille knows what it’s like to be falsely accused of things. But also, she found both testimonies credible, so … ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Rinna, thankfully, wasn’t having that and stood up against the f*ckery, as well as other dinner guests. Kyle Richards tried to change the subject because she doesn’t like direct conflict. Camille cried the tears of a wealthy white woman painted into a corner, and Dorit attempted to make a point, but I don’t remember it, so it probably wasn’t particularly pertinent.

All was forgiven, because let’s be honest, the stakes were relatively low for these obscenely wealthy women and the dinner ended with Rinna waltzing past Kim Richards, who happened to be at the restaurant too. Kathy Hilton was also there, but she f*cking hates everything associated with this show, so we barely saw her.

Finally, Rinna’s mom reveals that she was horrifically assaulted at the hands of a man who would later turn out to be a serial killer—he went to jail for the crime, and Lois believes the only reason she survived was because a military MP saw the car go down a road with restricted access, and came upon them in the middle of the attack. It was an uncharacteristically heavy moment for the show, but also shed some light on why Rinna would stand up for Dr. Blasely Ford, and also, why she perhaps would set the stage to show the world how s*itty Camille Grammer is. Friends, this is why I want to keep Rinna around, even if her vendetta against Vanderpump is tedious.

Real Housewives of New York

Other than Bethenny’s ex-boyfriend being smoking hot, the real drama around this ep was Tinsley’s troubled and dysfunctional relationship. Barbara is a s*it starter, which I usually like, but she’s a clunky and boring one, and I think we all know why she wasn’t given an apple to hold off the bat, now. I predict she will languish in friend-of capacity all season and probably won’t be seen next. Oh well.

That’s all I have for this week—I’m looking forward to the season finale of VPR next week, because then we get the reunion show(s) and those are always excellent.