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'Vanderpump Rules' and 'RHONY': Feeding the Hog

By Kate Hudson | TV | March 26, 2019 |

By Kate Hudson | TV | March 26, 2019 |


Vanderpump Rules

Oh man, we almost did it. We almost got a DJ James Kennedy-free episode, but alas, it was not to be.

No, the smirking little twerp was there to rat out Lala and then casually admit that his father rewarded his sobriety…with alcohol, which he casually mentioned to Lisa, who rightfully was dismayed. (Side note: DJJK also mentioned that he wanted margaritas in Mexico in his talking head right before that scene, so it seems his sobriety is just for show.) It’s clear that he has extremely sh*tty parents but he’s 26 and he’s being told by multiple people in his life that he has to become a better person, and he refuses to, so… whatever. That’s all we’ll say about that because there were much more interesting things happening.


TomTom is finally, officially, open. God bless Sandoval and his dogged determination to overspend to make an entrance, because the dude shelled out 18 grand for his white, emblazoned motorcycle with sidecar just so he and the true love of his life, Schwartz, could make a grand entrance to the opening of TomTom. If Sandoval wasn’t being such a misogynistic pr*ck this season, I would be happier about this, but truly: Sandoval and Schwartz’s love story is the defining relationship of Vanderpump Rules and I would be pretty upset if they ever had a major fight. I hate to admit it but I find them really endearing, even though it must be very weird for their respective partners.

Poor, poor Doute. Carter is the worst (Doute deserves someone equally out there as her, not some lump who plays video games on her couch) and Lisa Vanderpump clearly doesn’t give two s*its about her, yet Doute thinks scoring an invite to the TomTom opening is a huge win for getting back in Lisa’s good graces. Not gonna happen Doute. Your better bet is to date Max because it would drive Lisa crazy but also would score you invites to Villa Rosa because she would be forced to be polite to you and have you over for dinner occasionally. Doute please call me I have more ideas like that.

Lala’s (in my opinion, appropriate, because this is reality tv) meltdown at SUR that we saw a snippet of last episode gets brought up by Lisa at the opening. Scheana, who will have “You’re all my best friend” engraved on her tombstone because that girl loves to play both sides, sold her out to Lisa when asked what really happened. Scheana, girl, all you had to say was that Lala was provoked and that she was cornered. Leave it at that. You don’t need to volunteer more details. Especially because you’re going to Mexico with the entire group who barely remember who you are, and you’re only invited because you’re contractually a part of the cast. Now you alienated basically the only person who will film with you and give you a storyline. Smart move.

Then we get to the main attraction: Rage Text Katie is BACK! Thank god, I missed her. OK, first off, there is no way that Schwartz and Scheana’s random upgrade wasn’t totally cleared by the producers beforehand. Scheana got it because they knew no one would talk to her on the flight and thus they wouldn’t miss anything, and Schwartz got it because everyone knew he would be a piece of s*it and take it, leaving his put-upon wife, who has been trying to get his attention the entire episode, in coach. Schwartz, my man. You should have switched with her after takeoff—and to be fair, maybe that was his plan (I doubt it) but Rage Text Katie kicked in, and would not stop the entire flight to Puerto Vallarta. (Btw Tom is right, it is a pretty short flight from LAX, 3 hours. I’ve done it, and I sat next to an amazing dude who came in a custom-made t-shirt about how he was traveling, and halfway through the flight we became friends and drank all the prosecco on board. I miss you, friend!)

So, here’s the thing. Ariana is Sandoval’s long-time girlfriend. Presumably, he’s been away as much as Schwartz (probably more, because Sandoval is as try-hard as they come) and yet you don’t see Ariana sweating Sandoval’s attention at all, which is equally absent (hmmmm). Katie spends opening night at TomTom trying to take Schwartz out of the moment, getting him to pay attention to her. I was team Schwartz on this, but then he pulled the d*ck move about the upgrade, so I’m back to being team “let them fight” because that way everyone’s a winner. This one seems to carry into the next episode and I, for one, can’t wait!

Jax shone brightly this episode as well, although he wasn’t a focal point. His two big scenes involved being agog at the thought of paying for wildflowers for his engagement party (we had BETTER see said party this season) and then he beautifully introduced one of the most disgusting terms for doing it I’ve heard in a very long time: feeding the hog. Which I can’t even write and not cackle at. God bless Jax, may he never change.

Finally, Beau inexplicably putzed around Stassi’s apartment in a giant inflatable T-rex costume. They are kind of perfect for each other—and I’m looking forward to the next episode because Beau is shirtless and his tattoos are mildly fascinating to me.

Shout out to Tom Sandoval and his hat box which make traveling with hats much less stressful for him, now. His attitude towards women may suck, but it’s always a delight watching him pack because he goes so overboard it’s performance art.

Real Housewives of New York

We’re starting slow, but there’s enough to keep me engaged. The highlights of this ep were Sonja being a total boor and taking lobster to go, after only being at Barbara’s (I finally learned her name!) party for 30 minutes. When I watched it, I was utterly galled, but in retrospect Barbara was an ass for uninviting Dorinda (season 2 Countess would have lectured everyone about how it’s not polite etiquette to uninvite a guest. I don’t miss season 2 Luann) so I think one bad turn deserves another in this respect. Did anyone else notice that once the ladies were back with Dorinda, they ate the caviar Tinsley brought Ramona? Well played, Tinsley.

The other highlight was Ramona, insulting then trying to honor Dennis in one breath. Couple that with Sonja’s talking head about how she can forgive a lot of bad behavior when you’re drunk but that crossed a line? That’s classic RHONY, people. And also really f*cking terrible to say, but we know Ramona is terrible, so I’m never surprised by that.

I’m also team Dorinda in all these feuds, because Luann is beyond insufferable and yes, Dorinda is a drunk, but she usually had good intentions for her friends. Let’s not forget it was only three short years ago that Bethenny and Luann went at each other in what I believe to be the best episode of the entire franchise, commonly known as “The Berzerkshires” episode. Now they’re thick as thieves? I find Bethenny to be a totally toxic person, and Dorinda, despite her faults has always been there for Luann. I hope that Luann realizes that.

…but maybe sending a Tyler Perry (!!) quote apropos of nothing won’t help? LOL.

Finally, Sonja threw a party and it seems like it wasn’t low rent, and no one had to bankroll it. Way to go Sonja!


F*ck me they are still on puppygate. Those women each need to send Denise Richards a flower arrangement as a thank you because she’s saving their asses from getting canceled. They’re incredibly lucky that Denise decided to show up and repeatedly talk about her fiance’s penis, is all I’m saying. (Also, what was responsible for that? Herbal or alcoholic refreshment? My guess is a combo of both.)

There needs to be a shakeup with the cast next season. Keep Kyle, LVP, and Denise. Maybe hold on to Rinna because I enjoy how bizarre she presents herself. Get rid of the rest. We need fresh blood, and this ain’t cutting it. Dorit is a boring sh*t starter. Erika is one-note, now. Teddi just isn’t interesting enough to watch. This cast has become toxic and boring, and it’s time for a refresh.

That’s all I watched of trash tv this week. As always share your thoughts in the comments—who do you want to see gone in RHOBH next season? Let’s discuss!

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Kate is a staff contributor. You can follow her on Twitter.

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