Thank You, Tom Sandoval

Spoilers for the most recent episode of Traitors

So, I watch The Traitors with someone who has only a minor understanding of most of the reality stars on the cast. They watch some of their shows here and there, but they know people like Boston Rob from growing up watching Survivor like every other American millennial. We both agree (or at least, I assume we do, because they know what’s good for them) that Rob versus the rest of these jokers is not a fair fight.

But their favorite faithful of the season, by far, is Tom Sandoval. Yes, that Tom Sandoval, who is unfortunately the star of the show. Something will happen or Alan Cumming will read a line, and they’ll cut to Tom, mouth agape. One time, Alan explained that one of the faithful would be “buried alive,” and Tom literally stomped his foot in protest, to which Alan responded, “Go to bed, Tom,” and Tom listened, storming away in a huff like a toddler throwing a tantrum. He’s mysteriously sweaty, and his eyes are bugging out of his head so much that I’m worried they’re going to be stuck that way.

Vanderpump Rules is one of those shows my friend has never seen, but I’ve given them the basics of Tom and Scandoval. Still, they didn’t know what to expect from the man I described as “TV’s biggest douche.” The only other reality personality to make them laugh this hard is Teresa Giudice.

Up to this point in the castle, Tom has been the shield that everyone nods and smiles at and then rolls their eyes at when he leaves the room. He’s floated a few nonsensical theories as to who might be a Traitor, but he’s always been wrong, and no one takes him seriously. So imagine my frustration when, somehow, he was the one to lead the charge against Boston Rob.

To recap: last week, Challenge guy Wes Bergmann and Big Brother guy Derrick Levasseur—previously the only people smart enough to suspect the best reality competition show player of all time as being a Traitor—were banished and murdered after trying to take Rob down. Before leaving, though, Derrick told Dylan Efron (Zac’s brother) what he and Wes were doing and warned him that Rob was going to murder him. Sure enough, Dylan walked into breakfast the next morning, and Derrick wasn’t there. The look on his face, at first, filled me with hope. Maybe someone on this show does have a brain; maybe Dylan grew up watching Survivor.

Alas, no. Dylan is not that bright. But, somehow, Tom Sandoval is? Tom put those bug eyes to good use and noticed that the three people who brought up Rob’s name—Bob the Drag Queen, Wes, and Derrick—were swiftly eliminated, and something in his brain clicked. I mean, it’s not trigonometry, kids!

Tom spoke his suspicions into existence at the round table, and for once, Tom spoke, and people listened. You’ve heard of David and Goliath? Well, yeah.

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I regret to inform you that Tom Sandoval might win The Traitors.