(Pierce, on what it’s like to die in his crazy religionj): “It’s the greatest feeling ever. Like the first one to break in a boob job.”
(Pierce, comparing his religion to video games): “You gain levels and at a certain point, you can, actually, eat a ghost.”
(Patton Oswalt’s doctor character on Jeff’s crestfallen look, after he told Jeff that he had high cholesterol): “Did I accidentally tell you that you have AIDS, because I do that sometimes.”
(Patton Oswalt, again): “Let’s get going. These paps aren’t going to smear themselves.”
30 Rock
(Liz, on being called Paul Simon by the writing staff): “I don’t get it. But that hurts.”
(Jenna, on preparing Kenneth for his page audition): “I will break you down and build you up from scratch. Just like Mickey Rourke did to me sexually.”
(Queen Latifah’s Congresswoman): “Why is it that NBC looks about as diverse as a Wilco concert.”
(Jack): “Do you know who gets elected to Congress these days? Former athletes, washed-up actors and, uh, women.”
(Jack, on Twofer going to Harvard): “So we know that he’s smart and superb at masturbation.”
The Office
(Andy, on his chances with Erin when appearing in a local production of Sweeney Todd): “Women can’t resist a man singing showtunes. It’s so powerful, even some men can’t resist a man singing showtunes.”