‘The Real Housewives’ Reckon With Sexual Shame and Forgiveness

After part one of the Real Housewives of New York City reunion aired last week and after Ubah Hassan’s Glamour interview, I did not have high hopes for resolution between her and Brynn Whitfield in this week’s reunion part two. I knew that if it were to happen, it would be the responsibility and the burden of Ubah, and that seemed like a tall order. But Ubah surprised me and rose to the occasion.

The very briefest of recaps: Ubah and Brynn were fighting and Ubah said, “Maybe you sucked someone’s dick to get this job,” then, when Ubah wasn’t around, Brynn told a few of their cast mates how that statement was especially offensive coming from Ubah because Ubah knew she was sexually assaulted. This got back to Ubah, who freaked out and claimed she never knew. Later, off camera, Brynn told the other women maybe Ubah didn’t “clock” the information about her assault after all. Everyone redirected their anger at Brynn, who they claim has a history of lying or at least embellishing the truth, because it seemed like she was weaponizing what happened to her against her friend in a malicious way, and that she manipulated their sympathy in the process.

The gross thing about all of this is that it calls a survivor of sexual assault’s story into question, and doubt about sexual assault is the very reason so few people report sexual assault. No matter how many times Ubah and the rest of the cast swore they believed Brynn—which they did—to paint the survivor of an assault as a pathological liar at worst and a pot-stirrer at best, calls her story into question.

I was worried that would be the energy at the reunion, and that Brynn, who is clearly a deeply damaged woman struggling to maintain healthy relationships (and yet, needs them the most), would be the punching bag for the entirety of the two hours, and would walk away under a cloud of doubt and shame.

Reality television is not a medium equipped to explore a concept as complex as shame, but shame is the thing behind all of this. People will do and have done worse things than lie because of their shame; it can shape a life and a person’s whole essence if they let it. Shame makes us secretive and isolates us from others, and the only way to be rid of it is to be vulnerable, but our vulnerability is often the very thing we blame for the thing we’re ashamed of—we tell ourselves stories that we overexposed our animal hearts, and that’s why the thing that hurt us happened, but we forget that hurt is inevitable.

This is clearly what’s happening with Brynn, and it upsets me that the other women can’t see that. I do believe that she’s sometimes guilty of self-producing the show and attempting to manipulate the other women in doing so, but I don’t think she was on a mission to hurt Ubah in this situation. I think she’s a caged animal, and she’s hyper-vigilant to every perceived threat, so she lashes out at others before they can lash out at her.

But Ubah didn’t lash out. Ubah did this:

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There was a lot more to it than that, but the point here is that Ubah saw the hurt animal behind the glitter and the tears and she forgave Brynn. She gave her grace, and she rewarded her for being vulnerable, instead of the opposite. That will mean healing for Brynn, and that can only improve the show going forward.