I love Suits, even though Suits is a terrible show, originally about a lawyer who never went to law school, which is fitting for this series because it has no understanding of the law whatsoever. Every case is solved with a piece of paper or a manilla envelope, and I actually thought that in this week’s case — a divorce — that Suits would somehow break the formula. How can you settle a divorce case with a piece of paper? Suits figured it out. Harvey presented a piece of paper to the wife on the opposing side (who was also his sister-in-law, which is NOT HOW LAWYERING WORKS) and he said, and I’m paraphrasing: “If you contest custody, I will be forced to use this piece of paper in court.”
It worked. Case solved.
But I’m not here to talk about that. Nor to talk about Katherine Heigl’s role in the show (which we’ve already talked about, and she is perfect for Suits). We are here to talk about how after eight seasons, Suits has finally hit bloody rock bottom, opening this week’s episode with a conversation about masturbating to an inanimate object.
You read that correctly.
Let me set the scene: Louis (Rick Hoffman) — the beta male who wants to be an alpha male — walks into the office of Harvey (Gabriel Macht) who is the alpha male. Louis has been asked to have his swimmers checked to ensure that he can get his wife pregnant, but Louis has a problem. He doesn’t think he can masturbate in that environment. So, he solicits advice from Harvey.
On a lawyer show.
This is the scene:
Louis [sitting down in a chair opposite Harvey, who is behind his desk]: The problem is, I have never had to do it under duress before. I don’t know how.
Harvey: Do it like everyone else does. Use pictures.
Louis: I don’t use pictures. I only think of Shelia [his wife] and I can’t do that with a bunch of strangers there.
Harvey: What did you do before Shiela?
Louis: I don’t want to talk about it
Harvey: Look. You can’t use pictures. You don’t want to think about Shiela. You’ll have to think of something that turns you on that isn’t Shiela.
Louis: You mean, think about an inanimate object?
Harvey: Yes, Louis. That’s what I mean.
Louis: Have you done that before?
Harvey: Of course I have.
Louis: What do you use?
Harvey: I’m not telling you that.
Louis: Harvey, please!
Harvey: Alright. You want the truth? Sometimes, I think about tomatoes. Think about it. They’re the most sensual fruit.
Louis: Thank you, Harvey.
Harvey: Good luck in there, buddy.
In the following scene, Donna (Sarah Rafferty) — the CFO of the law firm — comes into Harvey’s office for a debriefing, and Harvey tells Donna that he was lying about masturbating to tomatoes. “We both know, it’s really strawberries and whip cream,” he says, winking at the red-headed Donna.
In other words, if any of you quit USA Network’s Suits after the third or fourth season, and if you’re wondering what’s up on the show lately, masturbating to tomatoes is what’s up on the show lately.
Header Image Source: USA Network