Tastes shitty, more filling. Sometimes shit is just shit and sometimes filler is just filler - that’s what we have here folks. The inevitable bridge to the last two episodes could barely keep interest in itself, never mind captivate its audience. I will acknowledge Jesus and Lafayette’s Excellent Adventure, which I found both ridiculous and at the same time, a valiant visual effort to include us on their trip (though I detested the stupid, canned ride screams). But lo and behold, remember that oh-so-shiteous episode 9 Crimes? Guess what? Same writers. Now when an audience can immediately pick up that a second episode has been trotted out by a set of particularly bad writers, it’s time to let those ladies go spin their wheels elsewhere. I Smell a Rat felt like it had switched over from HBO to NBC and you know the writing doesn’t get much worse than NBC.
Sookie is disappointed that she’s a fairy and thinks it’s lame. (Not as lame as this episode honey, so count yourself lucky.) Bill explains that Sookie is only half fairy - and half human and therefore only half lame. Half full glass Miss Sookie, half full. Bill describes his dream visit to the fairy world and Sookie tells Bill she was there too. When Sookie says that Claudine is afraid Bill will take her light, Bill asserts Claudine’s fear is well-founded. From everything he knows, fairies were wiped out by vampires.
Jason looks at the mess he made of Franklin and has flashbacks of killing Eggs and that vampire Eddie, he and Amy drained back in the day. Tara instructs Jason to burn Franklin’s clothes and she kicks dirt over the goo, telling Franklin’s remains she hopes he rots in hell.
Lafayette stops the truck at his place, warning pretty Jesus and Crystal that Calvin won’t make it to a hospital, he’s wounded too badly. Lafayette runs inside to get something while Jesus carries Calvin to the front porch.
Sam drinks and flashes back to a time he was extra, super hot, wearing a suit and with some blonde chick HBO calls Charlene (Arielle Kebbel). The couple looks over the loot Sam brought back after robbing a jewelery store. The blonde wants to know how Sam gets in and out of places without getting caught. Sam and the woman start making out, then a man HBO calls Jon (Dan Gillies) comes up behind Sam with a gun and tells Sam he’s been had. Jon smacks Sam to the ground and Jon and Charlene make off with the jewels.
Sookie doesn’t think it can be true that vampires will kill off fairies; Bill explains that to vampires, fairy blood is the most delectable in the world. Sookie wants to know if her blood is the only reason Bill is attracted to her and Bill does his best to convince Sookie that he loves her for who she is. (Sookie is the only one dumb enough to believe him.)
Eric and his lawyer review his will over Pam’s protests. Witness Yvetta is pissed that Eric is leaving everything to Pam but Eric tells Yvetta he only promised her a job and sex. Jesopsus woman, shut up! What more could you want? (Has anyone else noticed the Skarsgård’s accent peeking out more and more? Delightful!)
Lafayette gives Calvin vampire blood and tells everyone to chill out as Daddy heals before their eyes. As thanks, Daddy whacks Crystal in the face and runs off. What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man. Crystal chases after him leaving Lafayette to explain to pretty Jesus, “Them fuckers is a whole new dimension of trash.” Calvin chastises Crystal for trying to mix with Jason and tells her it’s her duty to lie under Felton and make his babies. Cripes, no wonder Crystal refuses. Felton makes Jason look like a genius.
Bill watches the television news report about Russell’s news report. Onscreen, Nan speaks to a journalist, explaining that Russell is a terrorist which has nothing to do with being a vampire. Okay, we get it - you don’t have to hit us over the head with the real life parallels every episode. Bill’s vampy sense tingles and he goes to the front door to find Eric waiting outside. Eric says he knows what Sookie is and asks if it’s true that Bill could walk in the sunlight after having her blood. Bill explains that he could spend a little more time in the sun but would still burn. Bill accuses Eric of being Russell’s butt boy BUT Eric says he isn’t any longer; not after having killed Talbot. Eric asks why Bill doesn’t tell Sookie the truth but before we can discern exactly what he’s talking about, Sookie interrupts. Bill plays it off like he already told her the truth about being a fairy, but obviously something else (our rat?) is at play here. And you know what UB40 says, don’t you?
Arlene watches a televised speech by Empire of the Sun Reverend, Steve Newlin, who goes on and on about vampires while Tommy and Jessica clean up the restaurant. When Arlene makes a nasty comment, Jessica can’t control herself and pins the waitress against a wall, suggesting Arlene keep her thoughts to herself. Tommy flirts with Jessica but she’s still longing after Hoyt. Meanwhile Summer tries to ply Hoyt with her boobs.
Jason and Tara go to Jason’s place where they find Bill and Sookie have taken up residence. Everyone snarls at each other, then Bill heads outside to find a nearby sleeping spot. Tara relates the horrors she suffered with Franklin and tells Sookie that Bill is no different from any other vampire. Sookie ignores the part about Bill and tries to comfort her frazzled friend. On the front porch, Bill tells Jason to watch over Sookie and to beware fast werewolves.
Lafayette finds pretty Jesus sniffing a vial of V, he wants to try its magic with Lafayette. Jesus assures Lafayette he can trust him, asserting that Lafayette has magic in him too and it can be found with a little push. I’m surprised Lafayette isn’t more suspicious of Jesus’ quick drug stance turnaround; he must be blinded by the pretty.
Sam arrives at Merlotte’s as the television news reports on the continuing Russell hunt. Everyone walks on eggshells until Sam assures his employees that he didn’t kill Calvin. Holly gives Sam a natural rage remedy, explaining that she’s a Wiccan, but Sam doesn’t want to deal with workplace religion. Tommy expresses pride in Sam and Sam righteously calls Tommy an idiot. Arlene takes out the trash and finally confesses to Terry that the baby isn’t his. When she says she wants to get rid of the evil embryo, Terry resolutely informs her he will raise the baby as his own, surround it with love and everything will be coming up roses (or Rosemary’s Baby).
Jason breaks down after having killed Franklin and admits to Sookie that he shot Eggs. Sookie advises Jason he has to be truthful with Tara but Jason says Tara needs protection.
As they start tripping, Lafayette and pretty Jesus watch his shrine animate and they dance along with the figurines. Jesus takes Lafayette through a doorway to what looks like a church and they see a lady with a green ring who Jesus recognizes as his grandmother. Jesus says his Abuela saved people from harmful spells. Next they go outside to a garden terrace where Jesus greets another (presumable) relative who is aiding a woman with fertility problems. In their drugged haze, Lafayette and pretty Jesus can mind talk and switch voices. The boys visit Lafayette’s great, great, great grandmother Mae and then his great, great grandmother Winnie, both of whom were conjurers. Finally they head to another room where things seem a little darker. They see a man - Jesus’s grandfather - practicing voodoo; Jesus shares his fear of the man. A terrified Lafayette snaps out of his trip and pretty Jesus calms him. Jesus seemed to have enjoyed his maiden (?) V voyage.
Sookie “wakes” to find Eric sitting at the end of her couch and exclaims that she knows she’s dreaming. When she wonders how long Eric’s blood will last he informs her it’s not just his blood causing the dreams, she has feelings for him. Eric kisses her, telling Sookie he knows she likes it - she should just enjoy it. Any girl who has to be told to enjoy Eric’s kiss should immediately be de-lipped. Dream Eric also informs Sookie her survival instinct is alerting her not to trust Bill. Sookie rouses from slumber to hear Bill asking if she’s okay.
Jason brings Tara some food and Tara thanks him for saving her life. Jason tries to find the right words to tell her about Eggs, but Tara keeps interrupting him. As Jason comforts her, Tara starts to kiss Jason. He responds, but then stops himself and finally confesses. Tara freaks and runs out of the house and then Jason finds a note from Sookie - she’s gone.
Jessica sees a burning cross outside the house, then hears voices as a brick is pitched through a window. She steps out the front door to a porch covered in graffiti; Bill flies in and stops Jessica from chasing the perpetrators.
Sam drinks alone in the woods and again has flashbacks. This time he’s in doggie form and in the woods, he sneaks up on the pair who scammed him earlier. Sam shifts to human form and grabs a foolishly left gun, demanding his double-stolen goods back. Jon gives him a small wad of cash and while Sam waits for Charlene to retrieve the rest of the take from a car, Jon taunts Sam. Sam loses his temper and savagely beats Jon. Charlene steps out of the car with another gun, saying she’ll shoot Sam if he doesn’t stop; Sam doesn’t and she does (but misses). Sam fires back, his bullet hits Charlene. He rushes to her side, mourns a moment and then gets up and shoots Jon dead.
Sookie visits Eric and asks what he meant when he said he wouldn’t be around much longer. Eric tells her not to pretend she’s there for him, rather because she knows she shouldn’t trust Bill. Eric says if something happens to him, his one regret would be to not have kissed Sookie, so he kisses her. Sookie tries to resist but she can’t. They make out a while until Sookie stops him, saying she knows she’s intoxicating but she wants to know why shouldn’t she trust Bill. Pam interrupts (blah blah blah vampire emergency, blah), wanting to speak with Eric alone. Pam advises Eric to use Sookie to get Russell. When Eric gets angry, she implores Eric to do something to save himself and reminds him that he would have done anything to save Godric.
Russell picks up a young, hot boy who bears more than a passing resemblance to Talbot.
Arlene asks Holly for help with not being pregnant without getting an abortion. Hoyt comes back to see Jessica, tells her he loves her and wants to be with her. When Jessica won’t say whether or not she loves him, Hoyt walks outside. Tommy heads out too and starts to taunt Hoyt; Hoyt just clocks him. Angry, Tommy shifts to pit bull and attacks Hoyt but Jessica steps out just in time to toss off Tommy and offer Hoyt her love and her healing blood.
Jason comes home to an irritated Bill; neither of them knows where Sookie is. Jason angrily univites Bill, forcing him out of the house. Hell if I didn’t enjoy the crap outta that scene - it was a little exhilarating seeing Jason kick out Bill. Jason hears a noise in the other room, walks in and finds Panther-Crystal, who shifts back to her human form before his very eyes. Jason’s reaction to this revelation is almost as blasé as ours.
Russell mourns Talbot in an interesting way, pretending his new boy toy is his husband and talking to him as such. Russell stakes the unlucky hooker while apologizing to Talbot for not having been with him at his true death.
Eric retrieves Sookie from his office. She blathers about not being a prisoner he can just lock in a room. Eric picks her up, throws her over his shoulder and carries her down to the basement, assuring Sookie she is just that, as he chains her and leaves her screaming his name.
I’m going to let this half-assed episode go because I know it’s just the set up for the final two, but what I don’t want to let go is the fact that there are two really craptastic writers who shouldn’t be allowed to contribute to this show next season. HBO and Alan Ball should clearly be able to see that. Fire them bitches! Also, who stole Pam’s spark? Kristen Bauer said her lines but her droll sarcasm was sorely missed. Maybe the writers depressed her too; she knew it was a shit episode and couldn’t be bothered? I’m just glad this one is over so we can look forward to the last two hours. The Eric - Russell showdown should be epic and I have no doubt we’ll be left hanging from one of Alan Ball’s dangling plotlines - the man himself has written the last episode.
Closing credits: Patty Griffin “I Smell a Rat”
Cindy is no vampire (not that there’s anything wrong with them). You can reach Cindy here