Hi, thanks for coming to meet with us today! Here at Pajiba, we’re constantly scouring the pop culture landscape for the next big thing. And while Peak TV is filled with more scripted television programming than ever, it’s in the reality realm that the real explosion has taken place. They are not only cheaper to produce, but there’s seemingly no limit to the subject matter than can be depicted on them. Each time you see a new show and think, “There’s no WAY that’s actually a show,” it’s not only a show, but already deep into its third season.
With that in mind, we’re here to sell your network on our plans to make some bank in this lucrative landscape. Maybe each individual program won’t rake in the cash, but collectively, you might be able to afford that second house. Can we interest you in a reality show about you buying said second house? No? OK.
Let’s just get to the ten best concepts we came up with in the hallway on the way to this meeting. We can’t actually be sure some of these aren’t shows already, because when we asked Google to list out every current reality show, there were brownouts all along the East Coast due to the extensive processing power that request demanded. In the meantime, enjoy a scone, and listen up to these surefire hits.
You’ve seen people search for normal houses, vacation homes, even islands. But have you seen people spending thousands of dollars on an abode that will be used for thirty seconds and then abandoned in favor of a pile of dirt or the owner’s lap? Spend thirty minutes with people that give more care and thought to their pet than they do to their fellow human being, and delight in the drama when Fluffy doesn’t want to go anywhere near the two-story, marble-laden structure that has actually devalued the property to which it’s attached.
Say Yes To The Stress
Sure, self-care is important. But sometimes, you just gotta scroll through your Twitter feed and mumble to yourself about the increasingly awful state of the world. Click that link you know you shouldn’t. Read that second cousin’s Facebook post instead of blocking him. Eat that third piece of cake. Each week, our hosts will validate your terrible choices and let you believe that the next scandal will be the one that finally brings us back from the brink.
The Leftovers Leftovers
This is half-hour talk show immediately following each episode of the HBO drama. People like those, right? Instead of Chris Hardwick, the host is a philosophy professor from Georgetown University, and instead of lively discussion, it’s just a bunch of people crying at Carrie Coon publicity stills.
Extreme Makeover: Political Edition
Know all those pesky past statements that can be used against you in ads and debates? Let our crack team help you dismiss those as completely inconsequential once the winds change. Did you used to believe in intense oversight when the opposing party was in charge, but favor a “just move on policy” now that you have the majority? Don’t worry about the complete hypocrisy! Did you believe in the existing a false birth certificate but don’t care about the location of real tax returns? Our experts will show you how to hold both viewpoints simultaneously and still get reelected!
So You Think You Can Finance
A spin-off of House Hunters, this is a follow-up show in which everyone that bought the most expensive house out of the three shown to them realize they are fiscally screwed for the foreseeable future. No bathroom renovations here, just a lot of scenes of people eating ramen and mac and cheese like they are college students living on their own for the first time. Come for the real estate schadenfreude, stay for thirty-somethings subtly trying to learn the password for their neighbor’s HBO GO.
Van Der Beek Rules
A show that confirms what we all already know, with an execution as simple as the concept: Joshua Jackson carries a cardboard cutout of James Van Der Beek in cities around the world, and loudly shouts the show’s title. Those who agree will start to follow him, Forrest Gump-style, along his travels. Eventually, the now almost-obscenely large mass of humanity marches on Washington, and the new era of humanity begins.
I know, I know, you think this is a show about a hair salon. In fact, it’s a competition program about who can post the best photos online in which an ex has been seamlessly removed. If you can see a stray arm around the person’s shoulder? ELIMINATED. The person who can pretend their past doesn’t exist with the most skill wins.
The Great British Drake Off
The possibilities are endless. Is this a show in which British people perform “Hotline Bling”? Is Drake a judge on a baking show? Is Drake baking Drake’s Cakes products under a tent in the middle of a beautiful field? We can go with any of these concepts, because we really want a new pool table in the Pajiba break room, in addition to an actual break room, so we’ll go with any version so long as you’re paying.
It’s 2017, and people still love to watch practical jokes. What’s the problem with most prank shows, though? It’s not “too much Ashton Kutcher,” but rather “not enough sharks.” Granted, this will mean most of the episodes will be ocean-based ones, which could increase the budget quite a bit. But look, themed cruises are all the rage now, so why not take a cruise that’s designed for Smashmouth superfans and just load that bad boy up with sharks in every room? Let’s face it, that’s just natural selection, which makes this one of the most education reality shows ever made. We’re doing this for the kids, you guys. THE KIDS.
Into The Cornhole With Morgan Freeman
“Get busy tossin’, or get busy dyin’. That’s god-damn right. For the second time in my life, I am guilty of committing a crime. Shortbag. Of course, I doubt they’ll toss up any Screaming Eagles for that. Not for an old cornholer like me…
“I find I’m so excited I can barely sit still or hold a bag in my hand. I think it’s the excitement only a free man who throws a cornucopia can feel, a player at the start of a long game whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the parking lot. I hope to see my bro and once again be his doubles’ partner. I hope the Bud Light can is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.”