At some point in the past couple weeks, we each looked up, caked in tears, snot and potato chip crumbs, deeply hungover and wondering, “wait, what just happened?” Well, the world is ending. That’s what happened. But TV was happening too and if you’re like me, you pretty much missed most of it (I learned the hard way, American Horror Story was NOT good post-election television).
So if you just woke up to broken dreams and a very full DVR you have no hope of emptying, allow me to help you by just spoiling the shit out of what you’ve missed in the past few weeks.
Spoilers. Obviously. I just fucking told you that.
How to Get Away with Murder
We learned who was #UnderTheSheet and died in the fire. It was Wes! Wes is goddamn dead! And Laurel is pregnant with his baby (probably)! And also he was dead before the fiery explosion that blew up the house! And also Annalise has been arrested for his murder!
RIP Wes, the most important character on the show who was also the most boring character on the show but I was kind of loving him with Laurel and by that I might mean I was loving shirtless excuses for Alfred Enoch.
American Horror Story: Roanoke
Everyone died way brutally. There were so many intestines. Adina Porter got possessed by The Butcher, the actual Butcher that Kathy Bates was playing earlier in the season and who then killed Kathy Bates midway through (this season was a difficult one to explain). She killed the remaining cast members except Sarah Paulson who survived but then tried to kill Adina Porter so the cops killed her. We think Adina Porter is the survivor but she sacrifices herself to the house so her daughter, Flora, can live. Sarah Paulson plays Lana, her character from Asylum making it three characters she played this season. This show is nutsbonkersbutts silly sometimes but this was a good season. So many intestines.
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
John blew up 2016. It was great.
You’re the Worst
For starters, you definitely need to watch last week’s episode. One long shot ending in a recreation of the first episode’s ending, it was awesome. Anyway, Lindsey had her abortion and told Paul she was leaving him. Paul finally got brave and told her to “lawyer up, bitch.” Lindsey gets a miniscule settlement. Dorothy is in the “tired mom” and “kooky aunt” portion of her career and having a really hard time with Edgar’s new success, so he lied to her about how well he’s doing. But then he comes clean and she breaks up with him and moves back to Florida. Lindsey takes her apartment. Jimmy and Gretchen decide their relationship is impossible and doomed, then decide they’re OK with that. Becca and Vernon had their baby. It makes faces. We find out Gretchen is definitely a murderino and they go on a murder expedition, and Jimmy proposes to her. I cried. He made a murder for her. Then he leaves her. I cried angry tears.
I don’t know, I haven’t started it yet. I CAN ONLY HANDLE SO MUCH IN THESE TROUBLED TIMES.