One spoiler below, but it’s a minor spoiler with major implications on whether or not you subscribe to STARZ.
I know many of you have been reading positive reviews of American Gods this week — maybe you’ve even read one of ours — and you’ve been thinking, “Huh. That sounds pretty good. I wonder if I should pony up and subscribe to STARZ?”
Well, let me tell you all something: During the pilot episode of American Gods, a woman named Bilquis devours a character played by Bill Murray’s brother with her vagina, so you should probably go ahead and pay for a subscription. There are lots of other reasons, of course, that you should be watching American Gods, but I’m going to tell you right now that you should put the fact that a woman devours Freddy Rumsen with her lady parts at least in the top 5 of that list.
Did you also know that Ian McShane is in this? He is, and he is fantastic. It’s like, for the first time since 2006, McShane is not that awesome cocksucker from Deadwood playing a different role; from now on, he’s that awesome cocksucker who plays Mr. Wednesday on American Gods.
There’s also showrunner Bryan Fuller, whose twisted vision is finally freed from the constraints of network television, and now the blood and gore is thrice as plentiful but equally as beautiful. You’re probably not used to saying to yourself, “Wow, that scene where a guy getting split down the middle looks like it belongs in an art museum!” but that’s the sort of thing you find yourself thinking when you’re watching American Gods.
Ricky Whittle is also in this, and he’s a handsome, handsome man. Pornstache/Nick Sobotka is in this, too. He plays a guy named Mads Sweeney, and his character is exactly what you’d think of a guy named Mads Sweeney, only better because he does magic! Gillian Anderson will also show up later in the series, as well as Crispin Glover and Cloris Leachman, who is 91 years old, you guys! This may be the last thing you ever get to watch her in. Oh, and Betty Gilpin plays this woman named Audrey, who is my favorite character, so far, but I don’t want to say too much about the plot because I don’t want to spoil anything.
But I will spoil this: A woman devours a man with her vagina. I think this is information you all need to know while you’re making a decision about whether to subscribe to STARZ. I think that knowledge should put you in the DEFINITE YES category, but I’m not you and I can’t lead your life for you, but I do think it’s important you have all the facts.
Other than that, it’s also a fascinating show that offers some insightful commentary on our current immigration debate, and it explores a lot of high brow themes using a lot of graphic sex, gorgeous violence, and a generous use of adult words. But also, when that woman swallows Eddie Jackson from Shameless with her vagina, your eyes and brain will do this really cool trick on you: Like, your eyes will say, “That guy from a few episodes of Two and a half Men is being swallowed inside a woman’s vagina on my TV,” but your brain will be like, “Nah. That would never happen on a show that didn’t have three XXX’s in its name and didn’t require a credit card to watch.” But let me tell you something: Your eyes are smarter than your mind. Cause that totally happens. And if you’re anything like me, you’re going to say, “What the f*ck! What the f*ck!” over and over until that phrase loses all meaning.
I know that some of you are probably like, “But dude! It’s $8.99 a month, I’ll just wait for it to start streaming on Netflix.” But listen: I’m not seeing a lot of STARZ programming on Netflix and Amazon right now. I think if you want to see a man devoured inside a woman’s vagina you’re going to have to plunk down $9 at some point, so you may as well do it now. And if STARZ sees an uptick in subscriptions, they might renew American Gods for another season and, oh my god, what if Bilquis swallows another schlub with her vagina — like that guy who plays Kevin on Entourage or something? If that happens, you’d get to watch it right along with everyone else. That’s one of those cultural moments you don’t want to miss, like the Friends finale or that time they read the wrong Best Picture winner at the Oscars. You’d be in on the ground floor of this moment. You could tell everyone exactly where you were when you saw Bilquis swallow Kevin from Entourage with her vagina. “I’ll never forget it,” you’ll tell your grandkids. “I was lying on my couch watching TV on my phone when Matt Dillon’s brother vanished inside a woman’s vagina. It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen!”
So go ahead, subscribe to STARZ. You should. There’s literally nothing else like this on TV.