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Peach dress.jpg

Shut the Hell Up, Gretchen

By Figgy | TV | September 7, 2010 |

By Figgy | TV | September 7, 2010 |

Six episodes in and this season continues to be one of the most entertaining the show’s seen in a very long time, even if the designs themselves have been uninspiring. Previously, some serious drama went down. Team Giant Egos lost for putting themselves under the guidance of evil Gretchen and her horrible aesthetics. AJ went home, and Casanova won for finally making something good. The entire team was awful to Michael C, who will hopefully get his sweet revenge this week. Moreover, Tim Gunn yelled most righteously at the losing team for being cowards and kissing Gretchen’s evil ass.

In the apartments, Casanova is happy that he won, but mostly because he has immunity and he can make something hideous and not go home (maybe I’m making that last part up). Everyone else talks shit about Michael C, and once again I’m left wondering where all of this came from. From what we’ve seen, he’s an all right designer; not the best but far from the worst. Where is the lack of sewing skills that everyone is talking about? Ivy is particularly horrible about it. She has some nerve, doesn’t she? Where does she get off being superior and hateful of Michael, when by all rights she should have gone home last week for that monstrosity of an outfit she came up with? Gone is any guilt she might have built up after Tim’s talking-to, and she’s back to being a hateful, screechy bitch. Michael C, for his part, feels alone and hated. Poor dude. Maybe he’s overrated by the judges, but fuck it, so is Gretchen.

Speaking of, Gretchen says she is “bummed out” by what Tim said last week. I say take it, you horrible, heinous hag. But instead, she’s acting like the poor, beaten up victim when she knows fully well she deserved what she got, both from the judges and from Tim. But she’ll never accept that. She’ll just keep pretending like Tim is evil, she had nothing to do with it, and she has nothing to change about herself. People like her never learn — in fact, people like her never think they have a problem. It’s always other people; they’re trying to do what they think is best for others and trying to control everything, without realizing how incredibly obnoxious that can be. Not everyone wants your advice, Gretchen. Get that through your head.

Heidi is at the Runway of Lost Souls, and she brings out some ‘normals’ instead of models, so we know this will be the “Normal Women” challenge of the season. At least it’s not moms. First designer to whine about how they don’t know how to make dresses for people who aren’t stick insects gets a kick to the groin.

The women are all wearing shiny, long, hideous Bridesmaid Dresses. The challenge is to pick a model and make something fashionable from the dress they’re wearing. It’s a fun challenge and could prove difficult given the horrible shiny fabrics and pukey colors on display.

The designers pick their models, some of them clearly going for the skinniest, which is annoying. There’s a great moment where Mondo picks a girl who has a nice soft-pink dress because he likes the color, then she turns around and there’s a giant swath of white fabric coming out of her butt. His reaction is hilarious.

Back at the workroom, Tim comes in and announces that they can buy up to two yards of extra fabric at Mood, but that they must still use most of the original dresses. Christopher gets a new model because his girl bailed out on the challenge. She probably couldn’t take the thought of being called slutty by Nina Garcia and being stared down by the Brown Kors.

In the workroom, there’s more hating on Michael C, and I’m just completely baffled about it. Even Valerie is getting in on it. I don’t understand why they dislike his work. I start working on a very evil thought that Michael C is in the top 3 (the final show is next week, I believe) and maybe the editors don’t want everyone hating him so they’re keeping out all the footage of him being horrible. It’s the only explanation I can think of, other than the notion that the designers are hateful, envious little bitches. Which is entirely possible. Gretchen talks to her mom on the computer, and she whines about wanting to go home. I’d be more sympathetic if she hadn’t been so horrible in the past.

Michael D interviews that Gretchen doesn’t have a malicious bone in her body, and I’m wondering if he’s drunk or high. Then I figure he hasn’t seen all the interviews where Gretchen talks shit about everyone else. Maybe Gretchen doesn’t mean to be horrible. Maybe she thinks so highly of herself that she can’t find a fault in anything she does. She knows everything, she’s better than everyone, so when she’s critical it’s for your own damn good, so you better listen to her. Her lack of self-awareness is impressive, as she never understands how overbearing and bitchy she comes off. A huge part her sense of superiority comes from the fact that she won the first two challenges and suddenly thought she had this locked in. The judges love her! She’s better than you, dammit! They’ve been drunk any time she’s not been given the win! Judges, you’ve created a monster. Or made her worse, anyway.

Tim comes in and goes up to Gretchen as if nothing had happened, but you can tell from his body language that he doesn’t want to get very close to her. Gretchen, in an interview, still doesn’t get it, and says that Tim should focus on her work and not how horrible she is. That he doesn’t know her. I think Tim’s got you figured out better than anyone, Gretch.

Ivy, on the other hand, is just an outright bitch, trashing Michael C’s work in an interview. Again, how dare she trash his skills when hers aren’t any better? Oh, Ivy, I hope your comeuppance is swift and merciless. I think I might dislike her more intensely than Gretchen at this point, because she really has no fucking right to be talking shit about anyone else.

Tim, after some rather uninteresting consultations, tells them that the next day there will be a “designer showcase”; basically a party where their models will wear their outfits for people coming in from the street. People will vote for the favorite and that should factor in on the judge’s decision.

The next day, the designers scramble to finish their garments. Their girls come in for final details so they can take off.

At the showcase, each designer gets a little stage for their model to stand on. There’s a small photo of the original dress for comparison, and a fishbowl for people to throw buttons into if they think that that outfit is the best of the lot.

I’ll skip the descriptions of the outfits until we get to the runway. Instead, let’s talk ridiculous drama. It’s centered around Ivy. She claims to have heard people saying that Michael C is talking shit about her, and trying to convince people not to vote for her because she’s “the bitch of the show.” Well, she is, but frankly it seems like a bunch of hearsay and I don’t entirely discard the possibility that Ivy started the rumor herself. It’s some high-school level bullshit, and Ivy is faux-offended by it. She is clearly jealous that he’s getting more buttons than she is, and desperately trying to find an excuse for it, because God forbid people don’t like her shitty outfit. I personally don’t think Michael C gives a shit and I don’t think he’d so something like that. But even if he did, why would that effect how people voted? They don’t know anything about the contestants, or anything about the show, so why should they pay attention to what anyone is saying? My conclusion is that Ivy is being a delusional hag as usual, and she’s found someone to blame for all her failings. I hate her so very much.

Later that day, Michael C actually mans up and decides to confront Ivy about the rumors, which for me dispels any idea that he might have actually done anything. He’s totally cool about it, but of course Ivy refuses to believe it. It’s always so much easier to blame others for your failure, isn’t it? In an interview she screeches some more about how horrible Michael C is, and just what the fuck is she talking about? You’re really basing your entire opinion of him on something he might or might not have said? This bitch belongs on “Jersey Shore.”

Runway time.

Heidi (wearing some horrible tights) tells them that Mondo won the showcase vote. Huzzah! Though I wanted Michael C to win just to see the look on Ivy’s face. Designer Cynthia Rowley is the guest judge this week.

Mondo’s dress is great; he took the long, shiny pink dress and turned it around completely. It’s now a short dress that’s half black, half pink. Very mod, super cute, and the model is totally strutting it down the runway. I’m not crazy about the hair, because it looks messy and Snooki-ish (sorry to besmirch the recap with that, but it’s true), but it’s an adorable, original dress, that’s very wearable. Also impeccably made.

Ivy had a long, shiny white dress and turned it into a pair of extremely tight tuxedo pants. There is a flowy yellow blouse on top, with one of those stupid tiny belts at the waist. It’s not terrible, but it’s boring and well, matronly. It looks like a rich bitch outfit. Her usual boring shit, and the pants aren’t really fitted very well. The model has scrunch-crotch.

Valerie’s. She used the bright pink fabric of her dress for a skirt, and she has a white top with black halter straps and some black panels. It’s horrible and I hate it. The white top is terrible with the skirt, and ill-fitting in every way. There’s a limp bow on the side and more obvious zippers on the side. It doesn’t look age appropriate. No one would wear it. It’s terrible, and I’m surprised at Valerie.

I nearly vomit at the sight of Gretchen’s outfit. She made a shiny skirt out of her dress and over it she has a horrible white top that looks like a rag that got left on the road and a car ran over it. Seriously, there’s a giant brown/black smudge running down the middle of it, and it looks dirty. I think there’s some more of the sludge on the skirt. The top has a rounded bottom which makes the model look like her stomach is concave. And she gave the model those hideous thigh-high tan boots she’s used before. I hate every single part of it, even the styling. She even has side-boobage! The model looks miserable.

Peach made a messy short skirt and a top that’s way too much. It’s a gauzy, patterned fabric, with a cross-halter top. What kills it are the ruffles on the bottom of the shirt (what was she thinking?!) that are made with green fabric. Ick. Even Peach hates it.

Andy seems to be the only one who died his fabric, and he did a beautiful job. There’s a corset-like top that’s very well done and beautifully fitted, and some dark formal shorts. It’s cute and sexy, even though I cringe at formal shorts.

Michael C’s is bizarre. He’s made a very complicated, layered little black dress, with panels everywhere and an interesting silhouette. Then he added a bizarre top with lace sleeves that are puffy and cover her shoulders. It’s very weird and hideous, but it’s bizarrely fashionable, and like something you’d see on a real runway The model looks quite striking in it, and I can’t say it’s not innovative. The top is ugly as hell, but it’s something new? I don’t even know, it’s very confusing.

Christopher took his dress and draped it. That seems to be it. There’s a boob poking out that’s covered in shiny fabric. It’s nice and well made, but he really didn’t do much with what he had.

Michael D. Ouch. He took his dress, shortened it, added curtain fabric over it and put her in a little bolero. That’s it. The biggest problem comes when she takes off the bolero and we see that the sleeves are not covered in the black fabric and they still look awful. She looks huge and I can’t believe that’s the best he could do.

Casanova made some great motorcycle pants and a flowy, tan top. It’s pretty. Nice color combination and he did a good job of using the shiny fabric.

April’s outfit…well, it’s very April. She made a short dress with elbow-length sleeves and an elaborate collar. There’s some of the original fabric coming out of the neckline, and it looks like the model forgot to take out her napkin after dinner. Looks like everything she’s ever done before.


April, Ivy, Andy, Gretchen, Casanova are safe. What the what?! Gretchen is safe for that shit-stained dress? How? Why? What the hell? Beware, people: the judges are on the Meth again.

Michael D defends his … lack of work. That is not a pretty dress. The judges hate it and think it looked better before. Nina absolutely loathes the fabric, saying it looks like mosquito netting and that it looks terribly cheap.

Christopher. It’s a very cute dress, but seriously, he just draped some fabric. I think it’s totally middle-of-the-road and I don’t know why he’s top 3. The judges are divided; they like it but don’t love it. Why is he even up there?

Peach and her vomit dress. That thing is a mess. Kors calls it “The Holly Hobby Outfit” and that the ruffles look like avocado napkins and yes, yes they do. Heidi laughs most evilly. Peach is way out of her league.

Mondo. They like the transformation. It seems like the judges don’t even love the top 3 that much. Best of the lame I suppose. They really like the dress and its innovation.

The judges hate Valerie’s dress. Kors says it makes her look fat. Cynthia Rowley says the top looks like something out of Frederick’s. Nina trashes the top and the horrible straps. I agree; I hate this outfit.

They love Michael C’s dress. I throw my hands up in confusion, though I can see why they like it (or pretend to, anyway). I really hate the lace, but I guess it is innovative and fun and weird. I don’t love it, but I do like that he made something different. Gretchen’s gonna be furious, and for that alone, I am ecstatic.

The judges all love how last week everyone was super bitchy about Michael C’s sewing skills. but they think he made the best dress this time. I laugh evilly. I only wish they had brought Gretchen to the bottom 3. Nina hates the styling on Mondo’s dress, saying it looks like Snooki and the Flinstones. That’s what I said. It really was terrible hair, and I think he missed the win for that. Kors says that Valerie’s dress looked like a terrible Tennis outfit. They’re baffled by Michael D’s investments in cheap fabric, and they despise Peach’s look and they’re worried about her taste level.

Michael C wins, and I cackle because oh, la venganza. Es tan dulce. Gretchen screeches “What show are we fucking on?” OK, I’m gonna try and keep my rage in check. That dress wasn’t spectacular. But it was certainly better than your piece of shit, Gretchen. So shut the fuck up and go home if you hate it so much and feel so maligned. You’re lucky the judges are on crack or you would have been going home today. How they let that go by is beyond me. And all right, I’ll concede that the judges have been incredibly confusing, but I don’t care, because anything that makes Ivy and Gretchen that angry is just fine by me.

Ivy and Gretchen have their bitchfaces on when MC comes backstage. Gretchen says that she’s annoyed because “craftsmanship isn’t so appreciated as I’d hoped it would be”. Bitch, have you seen this show before? When has a good sewer ever won over an innovative designer? Why do you think you should win for being average and boring? What does it matter how well you can sew if you make a roadkill outfit? Everyone say it with me: Shut the fuck up, Gretchen.

Casanova wins my respect and love for actually being happy for Michael C and saying how MC is humble and that he has no issue with him. That just confirms my idea that the others are more jealous than really critical of MC’s work. Thank you, Cassie, for being the only one around who seems to have some class.

Valerie is safe, but only because the other two were worse. It’s sad that the judges keep calling Michael D’s work unflattering, though, because the model will watch the show, and she thought she looked nice and fun but now she’ll never wear the dress anywhere. Poor girl.

Peach is out, and I say it’s about damn time. She’s pretty cool about her loss, and she seems happy and all right about it. I’m sure she’ll get a lot of work at home, because the judges always praised her sewing skills and tailoring. Tim is super sweet about it, and I’m definitely gonna miss Peach’s attitude, if not her designs.

Alright, so that bit of revenge was quite sweet, no? What did you think of Michael C’s win? Was it worth it just to see Gretchen and Ivy look pissed? To that I say fuck yes. Was Gretchen’s outfit as hideous as I thought it was or was it only the rage clouding my judgment? How big of a bitch is Ivy, and did she make up the rumors at the showcase? Are the editors really withholding footage of how horrible Michael C is, or is it just petty jealousy from the bitter people on the cast? Let’s get the conspiracy theories out.

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX, and she wants you to make it work.. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog or follow her on twitter.

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