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"Revenge" And "American Horror Story": It's All Fun And Games Until Somebody Loses A Penis

By Joanna Robinson | TV | November 17, 2011 |

By Joanna Robinson | TV | November 17, 2011 |

“American Horror Story”: “Open House”
Things We Learned:

  • Larry’s back story…this time with 28% more truthiness. While living in the Murder House, Larry was seduced by Jessica Lange’s Constance into mercy killing her son Beau. Beau, a non-ginger version of Eric Stolz in Mask lives in the attic of The Murder House and enjoys playing with a red ball (possible/improbable Gimp alert). Murdered on the grounds by Shakespeare and smothering, Beau is another ghost trapped in the house with the Harmons and their bickering.

  • Viv is carrying twins. Since she had sex with both Dr. Ben and the Gimp in the same night, she may be carrying some fraternal twins in the oven: the Gimp’s (half-ghost) and the Ben’s (half-douche).

  • Given that Constance had two “abnormal” babies, might she also have felt the forbidden, rubbery caress of Gimp Ghost Love?

  • The Garter Strap version of Moira has now appeared to Dr. Ben, that vile Detective and Persian Armenian Real Estate Developer Mr. Joe Eskandarian. Does she only appear that way to sexually deviant men, or can she turn it off and on like a switch?

  • Nothing ruins sexy “Sugar In My Bowl” fantasy time with the Heirloom Security Guard like visions of your husband…or that damn Gimp.

  • Tate may be the ghost of a mass-murdering f*ckhead, but he’s an awfully sweet boyfriend. No more blood licking, Tate, that’s a stupid Edward Cullen move right there.

  • Larry didn’t kill his family directly. His wife chose to flambé herself and the kids after he effectively kicked them out in favor of Constance. Dr. Ben also said Larry didn’t kill Hayden. What’s that about? Eh? EH?

  • Not only did Charles Montgomery create a hissing monster baby, but he named his child Thaddeus. That’s unspeakably cruel. Also, Dr. Charles Montgomery, when your wife is going full Lady Macbeth on the silver, maybe that’s not the time to introduce her to your monster baby. (Another possible Gimp candidate.)

  • Tate believes that Violet is “evolved” and that’s why she can see the Murder House ghosts. He also still believes he’s alive, so, there’s that.

  • Mr. Joe Eskandarian, if you’ve been around the world, from London to the Bay, I would hope that a woman using the word “gnaw” in association with your penis would be a sufficient warning sign that she has no business down there.

  • Constance, Moira and Larry believe that destroying the house will either trap or extinguish the ghosts. Either way, all three are willing to do anything (MURTHER) to prevent that.


  • That Persian Armenian C*ck, Mr. Joe Eskandarian. (Cause of Death: Too much teeth and a plastic bag.)

  • Dr. Charles and Nora Montgomery. (Cause Of Death: One gun, two bullets.)

  • Larry’s wife and kids. (Cause Of Death: A broken heart and a box of matches.)

    Horror Cliche:

  • A pretty blatant Rosemary’s Baby allusion this week with the shot of the Thaddeus Montgomery’s draped crib.

    Favorite Lines Delivered By Marcy, The Pistol Packing Realtor:

  • “Everything was meticulously restored by a couple of the previous homos…owners…homeowners.”

  • “There are a lot of minority men in this city who would like nothing more than to ravage me on this countertop.”

    The Gist: I loved this episode. What disgusting fun. Also the writing by series creator Brad Falchuk was particularly sharp. Lots of good meaty scenes for Jessica Lange to chew on and I would be delighted to watch her and Denis O’Hare go at it every week. I was obviously overreaching with my psychoanalytic theory that Larry is a projection of some of Dr. Ben’s deeper desires, but I’m still not convinced we know everything there is to know about how Hayden’s murder.


    “Revenge”: “Treachery”
    Things We Learned:

  • In the wake of Frank’s death, Emily (that’s what I’m calling our protagonist) tells Amanda (that’s what I’m calling the stripper), “You didn’t have to kill him,” indicating that she has some sort of line she’s unwilling to cross and that murder is not part of her revenge plot. This may mean she had no hand in Daniel’s death from the season opener.

  • Margarita Levieva as Amanda is doing a damn fine Faith impression. If she starts saying “Five by five,” check her other hand for a scary knife.

  • Declan Porter is only 17? Really? I would strongly encourage actor Connor Paolo to dial back the “streetwise.”

  • The new standard for exorbitant wealth is Nolan Ross “Tetris Piece Swimming Pool”/”House Bikini” Level Rich.

  • Cosmopolitans: “Sex In The City” as Black Dahlia: “Revenge.” 3 ounces of vodka, 1 ounce Creme de cassis, a little blackberry liqueur, add ice, psychotic tendencies and shake.

  • Emily has a convenient apartment in Paris wherein she can stash all her emotionally unstable, single, white female friends.

  • According to Revenge Guru CCH Pounder, “Violence is a shortsighted solution when it really comes to handling your enemies.” You see, I really don’t think Emily is planning to murder Daniel.

  • Ashley is kind of a sh*tty friend if Tyler can turn her against Emily with one “We are the 99%” speech.

  • Emily was serving time for “putting a stop” to her foster father’s abuse. Murder?

  • Daniel’s living in Revenge Headquarters now. That’s going to put a cramp in Emily’s late night Infinity Box Glare Sessions.

  • Emily is trying to pin Frank’s death on Conrad Grayson. And it’s woooorking.

  • The Graysons really should have invested in a cross-cut shredder.


  • The Novia Scotia Salmon that died for Daniel’s breakfast and Emily’s alibi. (Cause of Death: Fishy butchery.)

    Soap Opera Cliche:

  • “Evil twin” references.

    Favorite Line:

  • -“Look, I’m not built for prison time.”

    The Gist: Wasn’t a huge fan of this episode but I do appreciate how the series is slowly piling on more and more villains (first Tyler, now, potentially, Amanda). The Amanda wrinkle is particularly great as it throws some fresh drama on the rather dull Jack/Emily/Daniel triangle. I continue to give no f*ck about Declan Porter or Charlotte Grayson.