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A Dry F**k on a Sandy Beach: The Best Lines from This Week's 'Veep'

By Dustin Rowles | TV | April 29, 2019 |

By Dustin Rowles | TV | April 29, 2019 |


I cannot believe that there are only two more episodes left of Veep. I cannot believe, even more, that in its 7th season, Veep is as good as it’s ever been, perhaps even better as it has managed somehow to keep its satire razor-sharp in what many consider a satire-free era of politics. It is insanely good, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus deserves every bit of that inevitable seventh consecutive Best Actress Emmy she’s going to get.

This week’s episode takes Selina Meyer up to the Super Tuesday primary, as the race for the Democratic nomination has been narrowed down to basically two candidates (plus Jonah, for whom Amy has gone full Kellyanne). Selina is still election-rigging with China, but her ex-husband — who is about to flip on her — presents a wrinkle. The Chinese, however, take care of that wrinkle by blowing Andrew to kingdom come as he attempts to escape to Cuba then Israel, where he cannot be extradited. However, Selina learns at the end of the episode that the Chinese are only propping up her candidacy to ensure a second term for the incumbent, President Montez.

Here were the best lines from the episode:

Leon: Here’s your speech, ma’am. I dumbed it down for you.
Selina: Good, because the last one looked like a toilet bowl after William F. Buckley ate a thesaurus.

— [After learning that a woman named Rosa — who fits the exact description of a woman Selina fictionalized in her stump speech — had been deported]
Gary: Oh my god, you conjured her.
Selina: Yeah, right out of my Stephen Glasshole

Selina: Well, this has been a dry f*ck on a sandy beach.

Leon: Ma’am, we’ve got incoming. I got a buddy at WaPo who is working on a story …
Selina: OK. First off, call it The Washington Post, like a non-asshole.

Kellyanne Amy [to Jonah]: Alright, Congressman Slenderman … your particular brand of crazy is polling very high in Florida, especially with melanoma-loving swamp f*ckers, storm-ravaged climate deniers, and deadbeat dads. And deadbeat moms.

Jonah: Those are my peeps!

Roger Furlong [to Amy, referring to Jonah]: Holy shit, Brookheimer. When you get an abortion, you’re supposed to leave the mangled fetus at the clinic not staple it to the skeleton of a gay condor and run it for President.

Roger Furlong [to Jonah’s wife, Beth]: Why hello, darling. What Saudi prince’s rape dungeon did you finger trawl your way out of?

Beth: Uh, Jonah’s rape dungeoun!

Roger (to his poor put upon assistant, Ben): Well, we gotta go. Will’s got a full day ahead of him. Tell them what you have to do, Will?

Will: Well, I was hoping to finally finish my passion project: Rerouting my urethra to behind my balls so that I have to sit to pee like a real girl.

Screen Shot 2019-04-29 at 12.18.30 PM.png

Amy: You’re going to lead off with a nod toward the anti-vaccination movement.
Jonah: Yeah, why go to the doctor to get a shot for something you don’t even have?
Beth: I didn’t get Clay vaccinated because it causes autism. Now, he’s just got a little bit of autism.

— Meanwhile, Jonah starts a “birther movement” against Selina, demanding she show her birth certificate to prove her age. “When are you from?” he chants at a rally, while they chant back, “Kill her!”

Ben: Ma’am, it’s not a big deal. Just show them your birth certificate.
Selina: While we’re at it, why don’t we show them my estrogen patch prescription and a Polaroid of my stretch marks?
Gary: You mean, wisdom stripes.

Keith Quinn: The Houston Chronicle is reporting that Kemi voters have somehow got the idea if they vote in the primaries, the IRS will audit them.
Selina: I don’t want to know how you did that.
Keith: Oh, well, Facebook will walk you through it step by step.

Gary: The false accusations are working, ma’am.
Selina: Oh, so they are no longer false.
Gary: It’s basically a two-woman race to see who is less offensive to the American people.
Selina: That’s the best explanation of democracy I’ve ever heard.

Selina: Gary, how much is left in that [$25 million faith-based fund]?
Gary: I spent it all on Bibles for the homeless.
Selina: You spent millions on leather-bound hobo toilet paper?
Gary: Hmmm. I hope they don’t use the New Testament for that.

Selina [after finding out that, after her ex-husband’s death, that the investigations into her are over] Oh my god! Is this what it feels like to be a man?

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

Header Image Source: HBO