Hey, 'You're The Worst'? This Is Not What We Signed Up For

By Emily Cutler | TV | January 31, 2019 |

By Emily Cutler | TV | January 31, 2019 |

Spoilers

I haven’t written anything about the fifth and final season of You’re the Worst yet, mostly because there hasn’t been a whole lot to say. The first episode was good, if different, and really only made me miss Hindsight (RIP). Episodes two and three seemed to solidify what I hoped this season would be: Gretchen and Jimmy making small but incremental steps in becoming better partners and possibly better people. (Also my dad’s birthday was June 9th, and I’d legit never thought about how that could be made into the sex number, so thanks for that, Stephen Falk. I guess.) It was good! It was perfectly suitable! It wasn’t spectacular, but it was literally exactly what I was asking for. And then they had the final thirty seconds of last night’s show. I’m not sure that I have a lot of words. Oh wait, I have these words: I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU’D WANT TO TAKE A PERFECTLY DELIGHTFUL PLOT ABOUT JIMMY LEARNING HE LIKES THE TASTE OF HIS OWN CUM AND FUCKING RUIN IT.

Maybe let me back up a little bit.

In addition to the small ways in which Gretchen and Jimmy seemed to be maturing (deciding to have a wedding, Gretchen telling her mom she was getting married (although she allowed her mother to believe it was to Boone), Jimmy locking down the venue and being willing to work to get the screenwriting gig for his own book), last night’s episode made a surprising amount of headway in their dedication to each other, and how they’d need to adapt in order to make that work. So Jimmy tells Gretchen about his check even though he’s sure it will change the dynamic of their relationship (to his credit, Jimmy at least realizes that it isn’t just the money but the fact that it would superficially make him “in charge” of Gretchen, which would result in her rebelling against him. He didn’t seem to mind sharing what he’d earned as much as he didn’t want that to upset his bride). And Gretchen is able to assuage his fears by assuring him she’s not horny for stuff.

In fact, what she is horny for is that he was willing to do something for her because he knew it was important. In this case, tasting his own semen. Although she was right that him going back for seconds was all on him, the cum-hungry jizz goblin. She had nothing to do with that. But cum aside, Jimmy recognizes what’s important to Gretchen, and decides to use the money on something that’s important for them: paying off the house and buying Gretchen a giant red bow brand new car. They were making baby steps(!)toward a realistic happy life because they understood about being there for your partner and communicating through issues! They were being open and honest and caring! Caring for fuck sake! They were behaving like adults! Which is of course what ruined everything.

Listen, I’m not sure that the “For Sale” sign in front of Jimmy and Gretchen’s forever house means they’re moving out and on from each other, in the same way that I don’t know if the scratches and dings on Gretchen’s shiny, new car are supposed to represent the wounds inflicted over a few years of a disintegrating relationship. But I do know this: if Falk and Co. painstakingly brought Jimmy and Gretchen back together after one of the most traumatic events a person can withstand only to have us watch them slowly, painfully grow apart, I will kill myself. If we have to see the actual remains of a relationship where two people just stopped loving each other, I will end my life, become a ghost, haunt Stephen Falk to death, and then be put to death under capital punishment in ghost court. Because the afterlife is barbaric as shit. And then I’ll be a double ghost, and I have no idea what happens at that point.

But I do know if that’s what happens it’ll either be my favorite thing that ever happened, or the thing I’ll never stop being angry about. Possibly both. Who even knows anymore?