Hey! At Least It's Not Scientology

By Melissa McKimmey | TV | February 9, 2011 |

By Melissa McKimmey | TV | February 9, 2011 |

Last week when checking out the recap after it went live, I noticed that it was, how do I put this? Hella long. Sorry about that. It’s really hard to be brief when the show has about 15 different storylines and on this show you never know what’s going to be referenced later. I’m going to try to keep it a bit shorter this week, even though I took 6 pages of notes. Plus, it may be that I’m just wordy. Also, I really appreciate those of you who are commenting. It’s nice to see that people are reading and that they hate Bill too.

The back drop of this episode is that Bill is getting sworn in to office in a few days. Bill’s got an intern at the capital who is LDS and went to BYU. He ignores Barb and it’s implied that it’s because he believes the traditional Mormon thoughts on women being separate but equal. He’s a tool.

During a trip to the casino, Don yells at Bill that he was obsessed with Margie and it had nothing to do with her intellect. You know, these smackdowns that Don keeps giving Bill are awesome, but it would be nice to hear them from Joey. The impact would be a lot higher from Bill’s brother who’s second wife was killed because of evil polygamists. Bring back Joey and Wanda!

Nicki complains that Margie joined the marriage under false pretenses. Yeah, that polygamy was a good idea. Margie makes the comment that she “would have done anything at 15 to be adopted!” Oh, honey. We know. She also tells Nicki that she isn’t Nicki and she knew what she wanted at 16. Nicki’s like, “No. No one knows what they want at 16.” Nicki’s right, but she’s also insufferable when she’s right. Margie asks the women why they are ashamed of polygamy now and Barb snaps at Margie and says “Because you were 16 years old and in bed with my husband!” Let it all out Barb.

Barb goes to a fashion show held by the first lady of Utah. She wants to join the interfaith counsel and makes a crack about not being as bad a scientologist. Yeah, I laughed. She talks the other wives out of going, but Nicki figures it out and rats her out to Bill, who sends the wives down. Barb says that she was unhappy in her marriage with just Nicki and Bill (No!), and that Margie made her happy. She says that she thinks that she may have known, deep down, about Margie’s real age. Nicki says that she and Bill both think of Margie as damaged goods. Really Nicki? If he accepted you, I’d say Margie’s not an issue. Bitch.

Bill talks to the senate majority leader and tells him that if he and his friends are going to talk about Bill to the press, Bill’s going to do the same to them. Man, Bill has such a way with people! He should be some kind of elected official! Then he goes to the attorney general and says that if he doesn’t help kill the polygamy bill, Bill won’t pass his budget. Nice. Actual blackmail now. He is Frank’s son, and a born politician, apparently. The problem is, Bill really has no power at this point to blackmail anyone. He’s probably going to be impeached the week he’s sworn in, so they can just add this to the list of charges. Moron. The speaker of the house is appalled at Bill bribing and blackmailing and really? Is this guy new? Because Bill’s done nothing on the level since he got elected.

Margie finds Bill in the parking lot and drives backwards trying to get his attention. He blows her off and she drives off, but forgets she’s in reverse and hits Bill with the car. Seriously. I laughed and laughed. Bill gets a concussion and was out for thirty minutes. Damn, good job Margie! Bet Barb wishes it was her. The swearing in gets moves up when word gets out that Bill is in the hospital, which seems unlikely. Wouldn’t that be pretty challenging to just move? Hey, I guess if you hate Bill as much as they (and I) do, you’ll go to great lengths to mess with him. Barb goes to be there as a Bill-substitute, but he makes it in time.

Then when he gets called on the fact that he’s about to swear his allegiance to a constitution he’s already breaking, he makes a big case about how true Mormons follow the laws of a higher power and the music swells and the family claps and cheers and it’s the most hackneyed attempt to make Bill look like the everyman hero. No amount of music-swelling is going to convince me that a guy breaking the law and making three women miserable because he refuses to do any thing that is completely unselfish, is a good guy. The writers clearly see Bill as the protagonist, but I see his wives as the protagonists. I spent this entire scene hoping that the governor would be unmoved and not swear him in, or at the very least, bring him up on charges right after. Damn the luck.

Cara Lynn and her tutor exchanged phone numbers and he says hi to her in the mall with his parents, so we’re obviously supposed to make a note of it for future reference. Nicki also wants Bill to adopt Cara Lynn immediately. I wonder how the birth certificates are listed in the Henrickson home? Is Bill listed on Margie’s kids certificates?

Adalene is taking pictures of the women who try to come to the Safety Net group for help, to scare them away. Alby kisses her and it’s super-creepy, especially because he’s doing it to show Nicki his power over Adalene. Nicki is pretty great though, and tells Alby she knows about his brand of intimidation and she’s not going to let him stop this. She should focus all her anger with Margie on Alby and do some good with it. She could totally take him. Also, Alby’s hair is really high. He’s rocking a pompadour.

Lois is going downhill. Bill tells Lois that the reason she’s get dementia is because Frank gave her herpes. Fuck Frank. Goddamn, that is screwed up. Somebody better go tell poor JoDean. I bet (hope) Lois shoots Frank. All the scenes with Lois are just so sad.

Ben, Heather, Gary and Cara Lynn are at the mall and meet Cara Lynn’s brother Verlen who looks creepy and has married RHONDA. I know! And they have a baby, who I think they said was named Jessica. Rhonda apologizes to Heather for being a bitch and says she’s past lying about everything, but then her husband takes eighteen bucks off Cara Lynn. Then they go to Alby and try to hit him up for money. Alby is so awesome in this scene he gets full quotes. He calls it “The most pathetic shakedown I can imagine” and it really is. Rhonda’s all ‘I danced for money because your dad ruined me!’ and alby says to her “Who do you think you’re dealing with?” and he and Verlen exchange a look that says they have some kind of creepy past we probably don’t want details on.

This show is so entertainingly frustrating. Why is Barb helping him STILL? She’s getting nothing out of this now and she’s embedding it further that he can treat her however he wants and she’ll take care of things for him. What does Bill have to do to get some comeuppance? He’s a blackmailing, blame-shifting, false-testimony-having, selfish, egotistical jerk who occasionally does a nice thing, but only when he gets something out of it. What now? In the next episode does he win the lottery?

Melissa McKimmey is a mom, wife and grocery merchandiser who spends too much time on the internet. She spends most of her time on the internet as TWoP Fan and can be emailed at here.