Well, we’re at the final six. I honestly have no idea who’s going to pull it all out and that feels GREAT.
Let’s rank them in order from worst players to best.
#6: Derek Zoolander
Ken is honestly the dumbest motherfucker in the universe. I mean, I loved him for most of the show but two episodes ago, when a game-changing secret defection was about to happen which would have blindsided a powerful opponent, Ken’s ‘strategy’ was to tell the other side. Unironically. Like, he thought he was somehow being clever.
He’s dumb as shit. Derek Zoolander dumb. Like, mouth-agape eyes locked open dumb. I haven’t watched that much Survivor but his ‘move’ was the single dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. That said, he has a mysterious “legacy advantage” in his pocket (a parting gift from Jessica) which will give him a leg up on the competition.
I love Bret, personally, and I’m hoping that he’s going to win, but he’s not going to win. While his coming out to a fellow contestant was my favorite moment of TV this season, he’s from Boston. He’s soooooo from Boston. He gets liquored up and barks and he has zero patience left for any baloney. He’s loud and hostile at tribal council. That lack of subtlety doesn’t usually pay dividends. Nor does his unique ability to align with people who are immediately voted out.
This poor, put-upon, bescabbed sand hag has actually been playing the game fairly well in recent weeks by being kind of a giggly go-between amongst the three or four most powerful players. She’s been directly targeted twice at tribal council and lived to see another day both times. She makes me want to drown myself, but you can’t argue with the fact that she’s still in the game.
Jay is the only alpha left, but last week he was forced to play away his hidden immunity idol (it turned out that he didn’t need to). He’s a more dangerous physical presence than anyone else left and he’s found a way to win more immunity challenges than anyone else. But he’s a known threat and a man without a team and that could spell his demise.
I mean, I’m just amazed that Adam has made it this far. He had so many people hating on him for so long and he managed to just wriggle his way through the net every time. Adam has played a spectacular, notably strategic game. He’s made huge moves, played idols, turned people, broken alliances and lied lied lied. It wouldn’t surprise me to see the jury reward him for his troubles.
This dude made some big ass moves right out of the gate which actually got me fired up for the season and wanting to write about it. Since then it’s been like a weekly miracle to watch him evade elimination. He’s kind of amazing. With an encyclopedic knowledge of the game, his play resembles some of the all time great Survivor weasels. But he’s managed to put kind of a sympathetic spin on it thanks to his personal anxiety. When the tribe split into kind of a Zeke side and a David side, David came out on top, even though to my mind Zeke played the game better than anyone else. But then Zeke came out to the jury with this horrendous haircut one tribal council…
…and this misery-inducing, deep-V tank top the next tribal council…
…and I’m like “did I ever even know you Zeke?”
I’m not someone who believes that Reality TV has very much to do with reality and I feel like, from the outset, the producers wanted David in until the end. He seemed to have a magical knack for finding impossible-to-find hidden immunity idols. Yeeeeeeeah. But he’s kept the game interesting and he certainly was a player to be reckoned with. My guess is that the jury will likely feel the same way.
The two hour Survivor season finale starts tonight at 8 on CBS. It should be an entertaining end to what has been a surprisingly fun season. I don’t know if I’ll ever watch another episode of Survivor again, but this has been an absolute blast to watch it and experience it with you guys.
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