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Ranking From Good to Heinous, the 11 New ABC Shows Based on their Trailers

By Dustin Rowles | TV | May 14, 2014 |

By Dustin Rowles | TV | May 14, 2014 |

Honestly, there’s only two and a half of the new ABC shows that I imagine I will watch, and only one that I might someday feel passionate about, which means it will almost certainly be quickly cancelled.

1. Galavant —- Oh yeah, we’re all totally watching this. Watch the trailer. For the first 50 seconds, you’re like, “Eh. Another Once Upon a Time like show,” but the second that Timothy Omundson shows up, you know you’re in. Don’t even think you’re not going to watch. It looks brilliantly fun.

2. Black-ish (Wednesdays, 9:30 p.m.) — I’ll admit, I think the premise is cute, and I like Anthony Anderson (and Laurence Fishburne). I think there’s some interesting possibilities you can build around a conceit. Whether it will explore those possibility is another question entirely.

3. Forever (Tuesdays, 10 p.m.) — You remember House, right? Well, let’s make House again, but let’s change his profession to a medical examiner, and let’s add a fun new Bryan Fuller like twist: He can’t die! It’s basically Captain Jack Barrowman, MD. That said, I’ll probably watch it for a few episodes.

4. American Crime (Midseason) — It looks kind of like a generic Broadchurch or The Killing, about an investigation into the murder of a son, with an emphasis on the parent’s perspective. It looks really depressing, although the performances are probably going to be excellent.

5. Secrets and Lies (Midseason) — The premise looks a lot like the one in American Crime trailer above: A son dies, and a parent becomes a suspect. This one has Ryan Phillippe and Juliet Lewis.

6. How to Get Away With Murder (Thursdays, 10 p.m.) — The new Shonda Rhimes show takes place in a law school with a law school class that doesn’t exist in the real world, with a character played by Viola Davis that speaks like every other Shonda Rhimes’ character, which is to say: Short, clipped sentences delivered with urgency. Some of the students, it seems, inadvertently murder a student, and then spend the season trying to get away with it based on the advice of their professor. The show itself looks like a law-school soap opera that might be fun for around 9 episodes before it jumps the Shonda Rhimes’ shark.

7. The Whispers (Midseason) — ANOTHER murder investigation series, only now the prime suspect is a six year old and her imaginary friend. I’m not kidding.

8. Manhattan Love Story (Tuesdays, 8:30 p.m.) — It looks like a love story that’s told almost entirely in interior monologues. I made it a minute into the trailer before I wanted to throw my computer against the wall.

9. Cristela (Fridays, 8:30 p.m) — “We’re going to appeal to the growing Hispanic audience by featuring a show with Hispanic characters. Does it have to be good? Oh, God know! People will fall over themselves praising us just because it has a Hispanic cast! And you know Hispanics, right? They love reductive stereotypes about themselves! Univision is gonna be so pissed!” — ABC Executive

10. Fresh Off the Boat (Midseason) — Asian stereotypes. Fun! (Ugh)

11. Selfie (Tuesdays, 8 p.m.) — Oh, Karen Gillan. This only works if the entire make-over is completed in the pilot episode and it immediately moves off the obnoxious premise. This looks terrible.