We’re still barely into the new TV season, and already there have been casualties. Maybe not officially, have-been-canceled-after-just-one-episode causalities, but a more personal I-specifically-have-had-to-cut-you-from-my-life shows. See, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m back in college. Which means both less free time and less spending money. So even though I write for a pop culture website, I’ve had to cut cable and therefore a number of TV shows from my life. There are some new shows that I’ll make room for. But mostly I just don’t have time for the On-The-Fence shows. It’s like I’m dating a whole new set of shows, and as with the men I dated, I have to be pickier than I was my first time through school (which is lucky for me because I absolutely couldn’t get less picky in that area.) So what shows haven’t been able to keep my love and affection? Which hearts have I broken?
American Horror Story aka The Righteous Anger
Yep, this one I don’t even feel bad about. You did me wrong one too many times, AHS. Sure, we were never going to end up together. You’re no Shameless or Six Feet Under, but you were fun and exciting. At times I was legitimately concerned that you might be batshit insane, but you planned all of these weird, fun dates for us that I was willing to overlook it. Until you crapped the bed. Every. Single. Time. You’d forget what you were saying, you’d lose track of your own stories, you’d just drop people unexpectedly, and want everyone to still think you’re the dark life of the party. Well, I’m not falling for it again. You can take Lady Gaga and Schmidt, and find a different party to ruin. I’m officially done with you.
The Nightly Show aka It’s Not You, It’s Me (But Actually It’s A Little Bit You, You’re Kind Of Boring)
Hey, The Nightly Show. How’s it going? I haven’t seen you around in a while. Yeah, you took off for a while there after Jon left, and I wasn’t sure where that left us. Look, you know how much I like you. But I’m not sure that this is working. I’ve been really busy with school, and I’m just not sure that I have time to be in a relationship with a late night show right now. Wait, what? No, that’s not true. Colbert has nothing to do with this. Fine! You know what? Yeah, I have been seeing The Late Show! Because he listens to me! How many times did I ask you to get rid of that discussion panel? NO, IT ISN’T FUNNY! IT’S NOT FUNNY AT ALL!
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. Maybe we could still be friends? OK. Just try not to make things weird if we bump into each other at Trevor’s.
The Bastard Executioner aka Uh-Huh, My Friend Warned Me About You
This one isn’t a break-up so much as a preemptive strike. Because this kind of dark, brooding guy could go either way. Maybe you’re a deep, mysterious football player. You seem like there could be more to you, and that the aggressive streak is the result of passion instead of instability. But when my girl Cindy warned me that actually you’re “slow, boring, crappy looking, didn’t seem to know what it wanted to be,” I knew better than to get involved. You’re not Game of Thrones-lite, you’re Sons of Anarchy- Castle Edition. And I need a little more thought behind my violence.
Last Man On Earth aka This Might Be A Terrible Idea, But I’m Thinking About Taking You Back
LMOE, what happened to us? I thought we were so perfect for each other. You were weird and funny and interesting. But then you stopped trying. You were just like every other show/ guy, trying to bang the hotter chick. Did you just get wrapped up in the scene? Lose sight of what made you you? I hear you’ve been trying to get better, and that you’ve made some real changes. And I really want to believe that you might be that funny, unexpected show/ guy that I thought you were. Maybe we can try again. After I’ve caught up on The Goldbergs.
Grandfathered aka You’re So Pretty, But No. But Still So Pretty
Who wouldn’t want a win for John Stamos, Josh Peck and Paget Brewster? It would have been amazing if this had worked out. Sure, you seemed a little slicker than shows/ guys I usually go for, but maybe we both needed something new. Unfortunately you don’t do “something new.” That joke you keep telling? About how “Oh, my god, can you believe that I, a handsome middle aged bachelor, have a grandkid? What?” Yeah, man, I got it. Being pretty and charming only get you so far. You’re going to have to step it up if you want this to work. (But in the interest of full disclosure, yes, I will be hitting you up for a late night, post drinking viewing call. I will probably also fall asleep in the middle of the episode. Sorry.)