Oh my sweet precious angelbabies as a holiday gift for you, I’m giving you my very sanity and bringing you a liveblog every day this week.
First up, last night’s Fox abortion A Christmas Story Live.
0:25 - Oh my god this opens with a human autotune wearing a tartan beret. This is the best worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
1:02 - Human autotune (it’s Bebe Rexha, btw) is flanked by offbrand Glee kids with Christmas lights draped over them like the world’s laziest mantleplace.
1:55 - Like this song is kind of delightfully poppy and all but it’s not exactly screaming 1940s yuletide.
2:59 - So as this starts, I guess it’s as good a time as any to ask “why?” Like because why? Why are we doing this? Matthew Broderick here here. That’s always OK. His hair is besalted and bepeppered and he’s wearing a bowtie. No one looks like it’s 1940. Least of all Broderick who is dressed like a history professor walk-of-shaming home from a hookup with the Singles wardrome department.
5:38 - Are we just not going to talk about the fact Maya Rudolph would not produce these snowy white children, one of whom looks exactly like a tiny Andy Daly?
6:37 - All *I* want for Christmas is for people to stop producing musicals based on movies. Like it’s worked, what, one time total with The Producers?
8:44 - “I want a wife who can cook.” There’s always something weird about shows embracing *part* of what was shitty about the past while also presenting this glittering world where all races are just happy and chilling.
10:26 - Bored just-here-for-the-check Matthew Broderick is quite honestly one of my favorite kinds. There’s just someth—
11:17 - Oh dear god as I was typing that Matthew Broderick appeared wearing a giant mustache and I can FEEL him dying inside. I can HEAR what remains of his inner Ferris Bueller crying out “kill me, KILL ME.”
12:26 - OK but seriously though put this kid on an episode of Review. I need it.
13:12 - I just looked and saw this is two hours and 15 minutes and oh my god I did not consider this before saying I’d do this WHAT HAVE I DOOOOONNNNNEEE?
14:11 - Movies set in the 1940s and ’50s have taught me that women just wore aprons all day. Sometimes under long sweaters that cover the apron thereby negating the need for an apron.
16:06 - Ah yes, the good old days, when everyone hated each other just all the time, spewing resentments over pancakes!
16:49 - Look, this is just going to be nothing but screenshots of this Tiny Andy Daly Child and you need to deal with that.
20:02 - This is a song about a crossword puzzle. I don’t…I don’t know what else you want me to say. This is very bad. This is exactly why I hate musicals based on movies—so many shoehorned song cues that are just such dumb trash.
24:18 - Oh my god if there’s an entire song about sticking your tongue to a flagpole I’m going to flay my own skin off and die.
25:40 - OK so far no flagpole song. This is a fun song about bullying. K.
26:30 - “When your last name is Schwartz / You just try to survive till you’re 10” SHIT THIS IS DARK.
29:25 - So…OK. Jane Krakowski is Ralphie’s teacher and she has OCD. Like she just keeps moving stuff on her desk and Matthew Broderick is all “I didn’t judge her because she was nice” and I don’t even know. What is happening?
34:05 - NO BUT WHAT IS HAPPENING?
36:00 - This has been like an 8-minute number involving young girls as can-can dancers and—oh what the fuck is this.
They literally stopped the bad musical to show us a different bad musical.
45:47 - I’m not even halfway through this yet. Literally kill me. Please. Maya Rudolph and Jane Krakowski can’t even save this and every song is made of buttholes.
47:23 - Please don’t let this be a fucking song about a leg lamp.
48:20 - It’s a fucking song about a leg lamp.
49:17 - He’s literally just bellowing “I won a major awaaaaaaaard!” 600 times. Guys I hate this so much.
52:09 - EVERY SONG IS 400 MINUTE LONG.
52:42- WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK AM I WATCHINNNNNGGGGGG
58:03 - Ken Jeong is here. I am dead inside. I feel nothing.
1:01:03 - I’m still not halfway through yet. I’ve been watching this since Obama was still in office and I’m not even halfway through.
1:03:17 - Ana Gasteyer seems to just be here to verbally dunk on people including her child and she’s the best part of this whole thing.
1:06:08 - OK I don’t 100-percent know what I’m watching but it appears to be a terrible version of “Spooky Mormon Hell Dream” about saying the fuck word. Except that’s a good song from a good musical. This is not that.
1:09:16 - Oh dear god. This is a song about Hanukkah. There’s no way this ends well.
1:12:00 - Spoiler: it didn’t end well.
1:12:07 - Everyone deserves better. Everyone in this. Everyone who watched this. Just…everyone.
1:13:40 - There was just a very random scene where Jane Krakowski tells a girl we don’t care about that she’ll teach her how to type. It means nothing and doesn’t come back. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING.
1:14:17 - Please don’t let this be a fucking song about sticking your tongue to a flagpole.
1:15:05 - It’s a fucking song about sticking your tongue to a flagpole.
1:16:29 - THERE IS STILL AN HOUR LEFT.
1:19:12 - Jane Krakowski has been present for multiple songs and they still haven’t let her sing.
1:21:05 - OK now the bullies are back and they’re dressed like mobsters and singing a song about a C+ and no one will kill me.
1:22:02 - They’re finally letting Jane sing and it’s a whole song about shooting your eye out and I’M SO SAD AND TIRED.
1:23:55 - Jane just stopped mid dance number to fix a girl’s hair to remind us she’s got OCD. I actually had forgotten that little chestnut.
1:24:51 - HERE IS THE THING. Jane Krakowski, tap dancing and sequins are some of my favorite things in the world. AND THIS IS RUINING ALL OF IT.
1:26:00 - EVERY SONG IS SO FUCKING LONNNNNGGGGGG.
1:28:29 - Oh good a reprise of that weird happy bullying song, neat.
1:28:40 - I FEEL COMPELLED TO SAY. Everyone is doing THEIR BEST (except Broderick. He giveth not a fucketh.) These kids? GREAT. This show itself? AN ABOMINATION AND AN AFFRONT TO GOD.
1:35:10 - I’m starting to lose it. I need to grab hold of my shining star: Andy Daly Kid.
1:37:13 - Oh god now Fred Armisen’s here. And David Alan Grier. I remain dead inside.
1:43:17 - The lamp broke. I remain dead inside.
1:44:12 - Maya Rudolph just left her house out of maternal frustration and spousal resentment. THIS IS RELATABLE CONTENT.
1:44:56 - This is literally a song about fixing a fucking lamp. I hate this musical. I’m so mad.
1:55:25 - The vamping they do to give the costume changes more time is BIZARRE. This one involved a tickle fight over undercooked turkey. You don’t need more context.
1:57:15 - Good, the fuckin’ kid got his fuckin’ gun, now I can stop fuckin’ hearing about it. THIS MUSICAL HAS DESTROYED MY CHRISTMAS FUCKING SPIRIT.
2:03:31 - Oh good they kept in how terrifying and weird other cultures’ food is and brought Ken Jeong back in to serve it because that’s not questionable.
2:04:55 - I mean it tells you something about this mess that I am actually shocked and grateful they didn’t do the “fa ra ra” thing.
2:06:05 - The final song is literally just them repeating how this really is “a Christmas story, what a Christmas story, a crazy Christmas story, did we mention the title is A Christmas Story” a bunch.
2:09:05 - OK the ending is just Matthew Broderick explaining the story to us like we’re stupid and this has MADE me stupid. Also this is the first time Matthew Broderick has sung the entire program.
2:10:23 - OK it’s basically over so I’m done now BYE.