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It's Her D*ck In A Box: What We Learned From Last Night's 'American Horror Story'

By Joanna Robinson | TV | October 31, 2013 |

By Joanna Robinson | TV | October 31, 2013 |

Ugh, Were Frozen Vendor Machine Burritos Really Her Last Meal? I got so excited to see the return of Alexandra Breckenridge. If you didn’t watch the first season of this show, you missed out on some EPIC seduction via dusting from Breckenridge, the world’s sexist, one-eyed maid. Here she is again playing the temptress, but an unwitting one. In fact, a super dim one who picks up guys on a Thomas Kinkade fan forum?! But life ain’t all misty lighthouses and she gets inexplicably whacked by Hank who, apparently, has untapped depths of f*ckery and gets off on meeting, boning then dispatching young internet maidens. If only his wife had kept things a little more exciting in the bedroom. More snakes next time, Cordelia dear. We’ll see where all this is going but one thing is for certain, Jessica Lange’s Fiona has his measure and Cordelia does not.

Kathy Bates And Mare Winningham Should Totally Start A Support Group For Sh*tty Mothers Whose Kids Are Back From The Dead: I mean, except Mare Winningham’s face now resembles a moldering, caved-in jack o’lantern. But a little caved-in face never stopped anyone on this show. Anyway, in her infinite, voodoo wisdom, Marie Laveau brought Madame Delphine’s disappointing daughters back to life. And Mme Delphine? She’s all “NOPE.” Looks like next week’s episode is going to be tres tres The Walking Dead.

Good Black Don’t Crack: I learned that expression from this show so I’m allowed to use it. Right? RIGHT? I don’t know, all I want to do is praise Angela Bassett for being a goddess who looks good in any era. Civil Rights Voodoo Queen? Check. Black Panther Voodoo Queen? Check. Um, er, Hair Salon Owning Voodoo Queen? Check check check. Don’t mess with her or she’ll paint her parlor brick red with your blood.

Say It With Me Now: “What’s In The Baaaaahx?” You all screeched that at your screen, right? When Marie got her Bastian care package? P.S. That bull head is still very much alive. Eyeballs are a-rolling, tongue is a-lolling. Can’t Marie summon her voodoo powers and just plop that head on another willing body? I mean, if she can make a baby by tonguing some chili and exploding a baby gravy jar, then surely she can make herself a Franken-tour.

Speaking Of Tongues: This happened. I guess we’re only getting two or so lines out of Denis O’Hare this season.

Too bad because, Spaaalding, you got some ‘splainin to do.

The Witches’ Council > The Watcher’s Council: When someone tosses around the words “The Council,” my Buffy senses start tingling. But in this case The Council isn’t a bunch of stuffy Brits but, rather, a collection of American eccentrics who look exactly like Hogwarts wizards trying to pass as Muggles. Myrtle Snow is, in particular, a vision, but I clapped my hands with glee at the sight of tiny, Southern, gay Leslie Jordan (of Will & Grace fame) he is always a delight.

I also loved the glimpse back at the 60s era coven. Myrtle has been rocking those glasses for a long time, no?

Is That Dude Dressed As Tate? This shot has to be a call back, right?

Right. I’m working on a complicated theory about reincarnation in these anthologized series. Mostly I think it’s interesting that once again Alexandra Breckenridge played someone who gets shot for cheating (or at least after cheating). Is there a connective thread between all the characters these actors play? Some sort of karmic retribution through the seasons? If so, what did Sarah Paulson do to deserve getting acid (?) thrown in her face? And who threw it?

It should be noted that our favorite zombie frat boy is wandering the streets looking like this. I mean, I guess it was either that or a rat poison fish sandwich. Good thing it’s Halloween. He’ll blend.

The Next Supreme: So the clues we have about the next supreme are a) extraordinary powers and b) radiant health. I dunno as much as I liked my earlier pick of Nan (and I really hope things work out with the boy next door) I can’t argue with the radiance going on over here.

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