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"I'm Trying to Get a Hummingbird to Drink out of My Penis" and the Other Best Lines from NBC's Thursday Night Comedies

By Dustin Rowles | TV | May 6, 2011 |

By Dustin Rowles | TV | May 6, 2011 |

Community (Grade: A-. The summer’s best 22-minute blockbuster. The lines are in no way indicative of how excellent this episode was, though. Also, all the best lines were by or about Sawyer.)

  • “He’s really good looking. Like network TV good looking. And did you see those guns?”

  • “Stop trying to fluster me with your handsomeness. You’re creepy.”

  • “OK, Black Rider. Now let’s see who’s attractive.”

  • “I wouldn’t go to this school with my big sister’s toe.”

    The Office (Grade: C-, but a B for the ending)

  • “Congratulations on your one cousin. I have SEVENTY, each one better than the last.”

    Parks and Recreation (Grade: A. Goddamnit: A. Honestly, a sitcom hasn’t been this consistently good since “Arrested Development.”

  • “The whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”

  • “Leslie has a lot of qualities that I find horrifying. But the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.”

  • It was personal. I would never made a business call. You know that.”

  • “Nursing? You must be so tired. And sad.”

  • “Pawnee is, and always will be, a dirty little nightmare in which you’ll never wake up.”

  • “Would you like to borrow a mirror? Or a self-help book?”

  • “Take this resume and shove it into your human resources slot.”

  • “Don’t you dare feed that waffle to that dog to get it to poop.”

  • “Garbage fight!”

  • “In my defense, I believe that assault should be legal if you’re a jerk.”

    30 Rock (Grade: A-. Ending the season on a high note.)

  • “Sounds like you could use a little R & R. Rum and Ritalin.”

  • “Now that the popsicle has melted we got a tongue depressor.”

  • “On days like this, we would go to Strawberry Fields in Central Park and kick hippies hacky sacks into the bushes.”

  • “Dave Eggers and I are designing a new font.”

  • “Oh noble sheep, we eat your babies. We use your brain to fight off rabies.”

  • “If I start screaming in my sheet. Do NOT wake me up. I will attack you.”

  • “I’ll cancel the sitter tonight. I’ll tell him he doesn’t need to come and sit on us after all.”

  • “Can I borrow a cup of sugar. I’m trying to get a hummingbird to drink out of my penis.”

  • “What’s your handicap?” “Uh, well. I don’t have one myself, but I do like a girl with a limp.”

  • “God, are you punishing me because my hair is better than yours?”

    Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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