Holy crap that was weird! I’m talking about the ending of course, but lest I get ahead of myself we should talk about Franklin Mott. Now there’s another man…er…vamp I can dig. He’s at least a couple of decades younger than his book counterpart; I’m not sure why that was necessary. It could have been interesting to have a hot, older Franklin but this one does have a lovely accent - all the better to deliver his sarcasm, my dears. It can’t be healthy that I find myself wondering about vampire sex since it’s pretend, but Franklin certainly did make it look intense. Now what I really want to know is what’s in that Bon Temps water, because the stupid runs deep.
There’s a cool slow-mo traveling bullet that escaped from the gun Sookie fired and is meant for the were intruder, but Eric jumps into its path and takes the hit. The were returns to human form and excited by Eric’s blood, he jumps onto Eric and tries to get at the wound. Eric holds him off and demands to know who sent the were but receives no answer. Sookie tries to read the wolfy thoughts and hears something about “Jackson”. Unable to gain any information, Eric fulfills the were’s death wish and viciously rips out his throat. Later, Eric and Sookie bury the werewolf remains in a fresh cemetery grave. As he walks Sookie back home, Eric informs her that Jackson was in reference to the were’s home (stupid!) - not his name, so of course Sookie wants to run right off to Mississippi to hunt down Bill. Eric warns her against the foolish idea and tells her to be careful when she admits she will still go.
Lorena’s body begins healing from the burns Bill inflicted upon her as Talbot cries about his ruined carpet and Russell complains about Talbot’s melodrama. Russell reprimands Bill like a pet (“Fangs!”) and informs him that Lorena recommended Bill’s services to Russell. He also ignites fuel for Bill’s bad dreams when he lets slip that Lorena wanted to have Bill watch him kill Sookie. Russell issues veiled threats against Sookie, giving Bill pause about how he’s handling his stay.
Tara has freaky-deaky eye-rolling sex with Franklin Mott, who refuses to bite her because she wants him to. When they’re past the afterglow moment, Franklin wants to get to know Tara better but she feels guilty when she remembers Eggs and rushes away.
Sam drops back by the Mickens house to thank his new brother for almost killing him. Daddy is sitting around in his nasty underwear again and has way too much adjusting going on as he stands to greet Sam and call for Mama Melinda. Mama wants Sam to stay but he wisely follow his instincts and gets the hell out of there. Unfortunately the whole gang shows up at Merlotte’s after a spell, bringing an unwelcome surprise and expectations for family closeness that will likely haunt Sam for way too long. Sam ends up having to scold his father for serving underage Tommy and the reunion comes to an abrupt end. That night, Sam is awakened by the bar’s alarm and he catches sight of a shifting Tommy-bird making his escape from Sam’s ransacked office.
Jason thinks body slamming a druggie has proven his next destiny in life is to become a cop. The poor boy needs a little more brain than he could get on layaway to be able to pass the test, so he might have to settle for honorary deputy. Hoyt tries to help Jason study and Jason gives Hoyt more tips on how to handle women; these two were meant to be roommates. Later, Jason has the proverbial bad school dream where he hallucinates during the police exam and then stands in front of his class sans pants, as everyone laughs. And Hoyt discovers a headless, hand-less body in a ditch, which causes poor Sheriff Dearborne to petulantly exclaim that he quits. Frustrated with all the deaths in Bon Temps, Bud says all he’s gotten in his forty-three years on the job is gaps in the brain and polyps in his ass. Andy and Kenya make hilarious expressions of disbelief and don’t know what to make of the situation.
Jessica and Pam: together again! Well, not exactly - Pam is busy having her way with Yvetta when Jessica interrupts with a call to ask what she should do about her missing body. Pam can’t see how that’s a problem and hangs up to get back to business.
Sookie catches up Sam on Bon Temps happenings and lets him know she’ll be away for a few days. My heart breaks a little when Sam compliments Sookie’s ring, poor little puppy.
Arlene gets news from her obstetrician that Terry’s baby can’t be Terry’s baby since she’s already nine or ten weeks preggers (must be Rene’s). But when she tries to talk to Terry, he’s immediately ecstatic that he’s going to be a daddy and Arlene says nothing.
Mike Spencer calls Tara at Merlotte’s to let her know Eggs’ funeral is about to begin. Tara rushes over to the cemetery where she laments that no one else is attending. Sookie steps out from behind a tree to let Tara know she paid for everything and she wants things to be better between them. Sookie asks Tara to move back in, letting Tara know she’ll have some time to herself since Sookie will be out of town a few days. Aw, the besties are friends once again and they enjoy a quiet funeral together.
Whether because of Russell’s touch to his forehead I’m unclear, but Bill vividly dreams. He dreams of his memories, returning home in 1868 after his son died from the pox. In an all-too-drawn-out sequence illustrating the dangers of vampires keeping close with humans they love, we see Bill returning home three years after the Civil War. Wife Caroline (Shannon Lucio) had presumed Bill dead and she at first thinks it’s a gift from God that her husband has returned. But as Bill begins to cry over the body of his young son, Caroline sees his red tears and realizes he is no longer the man she knew. She becomes afraid of Bill, asking whether he is a devil or demon, and she shoots him in the arm, but Bill’s flesh immediately regenerates. As Bill is overcome with emotions, Lorena arrives to set him straight about showing love for humans, saying the only way is to stay away from them forever. Lorena advises Bill to glamor his wife so she won’t remember his visit and he does so. Bill wakes from his dream, realizing what he must do. As Cooter is griping about his missing were friend and Russell growls over the wolves’ failure to nab Sookie, Lorena informs Russell it was Eric who got the disappeared wolf. Bill interrupts, entering the room and making a declaration of allegiance to the king. Russell lets out a hearty laugh of approval and declares Sookie off the hook. Lorena is rightly suspicious of Bill’s pledge and seething over her lost chance to take out Sookie.
Sookie hears new wolfy thoughts coming up behind her and gets ready to kick ass, but she doesn’t have to because it’s the long awaited were, Alcide (Joe Manganiello), sent by Eric to protect her on her Mississippi adventure. Alcide reveals his pretty and Sookie, her mind-reading talent but there was no smouldering between these two at all (disappointing because it was really played up in the book).
Eric delivers a new Bentley to Lafayette, calling him “Sweetheart” and telling Lafayette not to worry about Pam’s harshness. Eric thinks Lafayette has proven himself useful and could make a lot of money, but Lafayette can’t seem to decide whether he wants in or out.
Franklin Mott visits Jessica in the snappiest little segment of the show, leaving me wanting more. When Jessica answers the door and tries her tough girl routine, baring her fangs at Franklin, he responds with a perfectly droll expression as he bares his own. Say, what’s in that bag Mr. Mott? Franklin slyly questions a barely contained Jessica as to whether anyone has gone missing lately. When she first speaks of Bill and then tries to play off Franklin’s inquiries, he whips out the head of her missing corpse. Franklin explains that he simply did her a little favor and now Jessica can do him the same. He asks what Jessica knows about Bill. Franklin is his own backward version of the Welcome Wagon as he leaves one girl to visit another: Tara. When Tara doesn’t want to invite in the charming vampire, he glamors her and gets his way.
To make up for the enjoyment of that scene, we are treated to an equally awful one as Alcide and Sookie visit the were bar “Lou Pines” so Sookie can try to listen to minds for information about where Bill might be. Whomever wrote this scene should be shot because it was utterly ludicrous and stupid. Sookie and Alcide separate and Sookie makes an awkward play for attention by pretending to be a more dumb blond than she already is. And size must matter because the biggest were also seems to be the most dim; he falls for Sookie’s one line and starts thinking about what he did to Bill. Sookie touches the were and experiences flashes of Bill being hurt. The big were takes her to a private room to make his move and as soon as he does, Sookie screams and Alcide jumps in to save Sookie. A brawl ensues and Alcide is about to get his butt kicked when the bouncer takes a bat to wolfman. The bouncer informs Alcide that his ex-girlfriend is having her engagement party at the bar the following night; presumably Sookie and Alcide will return.
Bill goes back to his room and is soon followed by Lorena who uses gloves to close the silver door behind her. She taunts him over his performance; Bill tries to brush her off but she pushes him too far and Bill’s anger takes over. He grabs Lorena and tells her she’s won, deprived him of his humanity but still, he will never love her. Lorena grabs Bill and kisses him, screaming for him to make love to her. Bill gives in to his rage and throws Lorena on the bed, taking her in a violent act of anger. Instead of doing it doggy style like normal people who don’t want to look at each other, Bill twists Lorena’s head like Gumby, until she is backward from her own body. Even though he has done this vile thing to her, in between Bill’s furious strokes Lorena tells Bill she loves him. Disgusted, Bill screams out, repulsed as much by himself as he is with Lorena.
Dumber than a box of rocks - that’s what most of this episode was. But it did have its fair share of quote-worthy one-liners and a few chuckles. I’m making the deduction that since we’re about to hit an episode-free holiday weekend, they hit us with a slow one. Even though I complained about Bill’s flashback dream, there were quiet moments of emotion that struck me as beautiful. Stephen Moyer has really stepped it up since Bill hit Mississippi, if only Anna Paquin would do the same. Closing credits: Gaye Adegbalola “It Hurts Me Too”
Cindy is no vampire (not that there’s anything wrong with them). You can reach Cindyhere