If you haven’t caught up on last night’s episode of Sons of Anarchy, congratulations! There’s still time to avoid it. In fact, if I were you, I’d say f**k it, and skip to the end, which will probably be a 6 hour episode with 27 musical montages all performed by Katey Sagal over visions of random dead people being shot to death. It’s been a lousy final season, and that’s the nicest way I can put it. Having killed off most of the show’s best characters (Opie, Clay, and even Tara), Kurt Sutter is left with an end goal that could easily be achieved in 3 episodes and yet he’s being given 13 episodes, a problem compounded by the fact that he continues to supersize each episode, which only wears our patience even thinner.
Last night’s episode was terrible, and involved a character (Juice) who should’ve been dead seasons ago shooting at cops so that he could get tossed in jail in order to kill another guy in jail; a grandmother (Gemma) confessing to her 2-year-old grandson the murder of his mother while the 5-year-old grandson was secretly eavesdropping; and a man who had his eyeball dug out of his face because, why the f**k not?
My patience with the season came to a head last night during what was supposed to be a poignant season in which Jax expressed his gratitude to the rest of SAMCRO for going along with a plan that’s resulted, so far, in upwards of 50 deaths and the loss of practically every alliance the club had. Why? Because of a lie, because he wrongly believes one man killed his wife, when it was in fact his mother, which he’d realize if he took two goddamn minutes to reflect on the events leading up to his wife’s death last season.
Anyway, during this particularly “poignant” scene, I lost it and began yelling at my television screen around 12:30 this morning. Here’s is a transcript of Jax’s monologue, while talking to the rest of SAMCRO, and my outbursts (in all caps).
*long sigh* (OH HERE WE GO. LONG SPEECH COMING)
“For your loyalty and faith in me over the last few weeks (WHICH HAS BEEN MORONIC, IDIOTIC, POINTLESS AND SUICIDAL), I can’t express my gratitude enough (HOW ABOUT BY FUCKING MARTYRING YOURSELF, ASSHOLE). This vengeance was personal (NO SHIT. IT WAS ALSO MISGUIDED), and all of you have allowed me to bring it here (WHAT CHOICE DID WE HAVE? YOU’LL KILL ANYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH YOU). I know I keep asking for way more than the patch requires (THE D-DAY INVASION DIDN’T REQUIRE THIS MUCH, FUCK-O) and never once did any of you hesitate or show a blink of doubt (BECAUSE WE HAVE BEEN TERRIBLY FUCKING WRITTEN THIS SEASON BY A NARCISSIST WILLING TO DESTROY HIS CHARACTERS TO GET TO A FINISH LINE THAT VAINLY INVOLVES GETTING HIS WIFE AN EMMY NOMINATION), and I don’t think I’ll be able to repay that debt (NO SHIT, ASSHOLE. IT’S HARD TO REPAY DEBTS TO CORPSES, WHICH IS WHAT WE’RE ALL GOING TO BE BEFORE THE SEASON IS OVER BECAUSE OF SOME FUCKING GRUDGE YOU HAVE BEEN HOLDING AGAINST THE WRONG GODDAMN PEOPLE, WHICH YOU WOULD REALIZE IF YOU STOPPED FOR 10 FUCKING SECONDS AND LOOKED AT THE SITUATION). You’re my family (BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS DEAD) and I love all of you (EXCEPT HAPPY).
Sons of Anarchy has officially reached final-season of Dexter awfulness.
If you’re interested, here’s my full recap of the episode, wherein I rank the plot developments from bad to worse.