Have You Gotten to the Masturbation Conversation on 'Suits' Yet?

By Dustin Rowles | TV | August 4, 2023 |

By Dustin Rowles | TV | August 4, 2023 |

There are a lot of people tuning into Suits for the first time this summer — in fact, Suits just broke its own Nielsen record for the most minutes watched of an acquired streaming title in one week, 3.7 billion — and many of them are the same people who made fun of me back in the summer of 2012 for calling it that summer’s best show that smart people aren’t talking about. It was a seriously fun show, where multimillion-dollar lawsuits could be settled with a manila folder and divorces could be resolved with a piece of paper! “If you contest custody, I will be forced to use this piece of paper in court.” NO, HARVEY. NOT THE PAPER!

I know a lot of newcomers are seriously into Suits right now, but here’s the dirty, dirty secret that Netflix doesn’t want you to know: Suits peaks in seasons 2-4. There are still five more seasons beyond that. Some bad choices are made late in the series run, because certain characters leave the show, or because the show has run through all the possible storylines, or because someone forgot to go to the office store and order more manila envelopes. I don’t even want to talk about the prison season. God. Let’s just say that, by the end, all of USA Network’s resources must have been moved over to Mr. Robot.

A couple of things do happen over the last few seasons that make it worthwhile to continue, namely, Dule Hill joins the cast, followed by Katherine Heigl. The writing was mostly crap by the time they joined the cast, but I am not wrong when I say that Heigl has never been better suited to a role than Samantha Wheeler, who is basically a gender-reversed Harvey Specter. I don’t know if they’ll ever bring back Suits, but if they want to make a spin-off, she’s the ideal spin-off character: An arrogant, cocksure, ballbusting, take-no-prisoners attorney who manages to land just on the right side of likable. Give that character a real writer, and Netflix would have a huge hit on its hands.

But I’m not here to talk about that. We are here to talk about a conversation in the final season of Suits (currently only on Peacock), where the series finally hits rock bottom, opening an episode with a conversation about masturbating to an inanimate object.

You read that correctly. No, I am not kidding.

Let me set the scene: Louis (Rick Hoffman) — the beta male who wants to be an alpha male — walks into the office of Harvey (Gabriel Macht) who is the alpha male. Louis has been asked to have his swimmers checked to ensure that he can get his wife pregnant, but Louis has a problem. He doesn’t think he can masturbate in that environment. So, he solicits masturbation advice from Harvey.

On a lawyer show.

This is the scene:

Louis [sitting down in a chair opposite Harvey, who is behind his desk]: The problem is, I have never had to do it under duress before. I don’t know how.

Harvey: Do it like everyone else does. Use pictures.

Louis: I don’t use pictures. I only think of Sheila [his wife] and I can’t do that with a bunch of strangers there.

Harvey: What did you do before Sheila?

Louis: I don’t want to talk about it.

Harvey: Look. You can’t use pictures. You don’t want to think about Sheila. You’ll have to think of something that turns you on that isn’t Sheila.

Louis: You mean, think about an inanimate object?

Harvey: Yes, Louis. That’s what I mean.

Louis: Have you done that before?

Harvey: Of course I have.

Louis: What do you use?

Harvey: I’m not telling you that.

Louis: Harvey, please!

Harvey: Alright. You want the truth? Sometimes, I think about tomatoes. Think about it. They’re the most sensual fruit.

Louis: Thank you, Harvey.

Harvey: Good luck in there, buddy.

In the following scene, Donna (Sarah Rafferty) comes into Harvey’s office for a debriefing, and Harvey tells Donna that he was lying about masturbating to tomatoes. “We both know, it’s really strawberries and whipped cream,” he says, winking at the red-headed Donna.

In other words, if you’re wondering if there’s anything in the final season to keep you invested in the series beyond the fifth or sixth seasons, I have a tomato I’d like to sell you. You’re welcome.