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Mega Lightning Bolt vs. Giant Swimming Pool

By Andrew J. Stride | TV | October 12, 2009 |

By Andrew J. Stride | TV | October 12, 2009 |

“A 5 … 6 …7 … 8 …” Open on choreography practice. The members of Mr. Schue(ster)’s Glee club are slacking. The class is definitely distracted, Finn is fixated on Quinn’s stomach, newborn baby developing inside, and Kurt on ‘Grape-stomping’ YouTube videos.

Cut to Will and Emma eating lunch in the faculty lounge. Will, distracted from recounting his story of last night’s practice, doesn’t notice he’s dripped mustard into his ‘cute Kurt Douglas chin dimple.’ Emma reaches over, with plastic gloved hands. Yet again, we’re treated to another awkward, wiping of the foreign substances off of the face scene. Keep these two love birds away from Buffalo Wild Wings.

Flashback to the reason the kids are complacent. They just found out they will be competing in sectionals against the school for the deaf in Dayton, and Jane Adams Academy, a halfway house for girls getting out of juvie. Artie calls it a cake walk, ironically.

Thankfully Sue has been eavesdropping on Will and Emma the whole time. She recommends that Will find that competitive animal inside each of them and unleash it.

“Like mother’s milk to them.”


Will decides that the best way to unleash their respective competitive animals is for the members of Glee Club to compete against each other. He divides the class into two groups, boys and girls. Kurt is confused as to which group he belongs. The assignment is for each group to perform a mash-up, mixing two unique songs together into one performance. To be fair and discourage a sexist vote, a celebrity judge will be present. Don’t hold your breath, Grobin was busy this week.

Sue busily recounts her day in her journal. Earlier at Cheerios practice, she noticed a quiver in Quinn, who, because of her condition, probably shouldn’t be doing pyramids in the first place. Even worse, she blames her exhaustion on Glee Club. Sue decides she must take decisive action against Will Schuester, to end Glee Club once and for all. Sue also lies about her age in her own journal.

Going straight for the jugular, Sue visits Terri Schuester, Will’s un-pregnant wife, at their home. She warns Terri of the evils of the mentally ill ginger pigmy with eyes like a bush baby. It’s true, Emma doesn’t have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, she can actually see germs.

To stop them, Terri must replace the school nurse, who mysteriously took a tumble down the stairs, landing her in a coma. Causing this places Lynch’s character beyond evil, but as long as she keeps the wonderfully descriptive analogies coming, I’ll forgive her.

Terri, accepting this advice, applies for the job from principle Figgins, and gets it. She passes his pre-qualifications for all school positions, which consists of being able to walk into his office.

Back in the faculty lounge, Will tells Emma that she’ll be the celebrity judge due to being the most honest and impartial person he knows. On “Glee,” it’s not considered to be a touching intimate moment unless someone is awkwardly watching from 10 feet away. Surprise, Terri has been standing in the doorway the whole time.

Back in Glee Club practice, Finn is having trouble staying awake. The pressures of school, being captain of the football team, member of the glee club, and expectant father have caught up to him. He can’t even concentrate on Halo. Thankfully, he gives up homework.

The boys choose to perform a mash-up of Bon Jovi’s ‘It’s My Life’ with Usher’s ‘Confessions’. Puck recommends Finn visit the school nurse for some sleep. Unfortunately for him, he finds Terri Schuster.

“Are you the one who’s dating Quinn Fabray? Wow you have great bone structure!”
Instead of a cold sterile bunk, Finn gets an interrogation from Terri. She discovers Finn likes Skin-emax movies, football, and another girl. This could disrupt baby stealing plans, so Terri quickly intervenes by warning him of the revenge of the jilted woman. Her prescription? Decongestants loaded with pseudoephedrine, the main ingredient in meth.

Finn is on fire. Luckily for the rest of the Glee Club boys, he shares.

They have a great performance: the Asian football player who joined recently is an incredible dancer. Not bad for a mash-up, my only complaint would be that it was a little heavy on the Bon Jovi. I had some trouble distinguishing ‘Confessions.’

Back by the lockers, Rachel confronts Quinn about being pregnant. Being very mature and honest in her delivery, she persuades Quinn to return to Glee as they not only need her beautiful voice, but in a few months that cheerleading outfit will no longer fit. She’ll need friends who accept her for who she is. It’s nice to have female character interacting with someone without the intentions of manipulating them for personal gain.

Poor Howard Bamboo. Terri sends him out to pick up 36 boxes of decongestant. Ken then shows up at the nurse’s office with a proposition for Terri. Since Will and Emma have a special relationship, they should hook up to cancel it out. We find out Emma is revolted by being touched by Ken. Terri’s solution is that Ken needs to propose to Emma. She sends him out to buy an engagement ring, but not before doping him up first.

Meanwhile, the girls are nervous about their mash-up performance tomorrow. Kurt shows up, dressed like a 1920s cabaret singer, and ousts the boys for taking pseudoephedrine. Perturbed by this, Rachel confronts Finn about the performance enhancers. She doesn’t need artificial motivation, as she has a rigorous diet and exercise routine. Refusing to lose to the boys, Rachel resorts to drastic measures, and they all get doped up by Terri. Except for Quinn, she gets folic acid.

Back in faculty lounge, Terri tries to make Emma jealous by showing that she too, can wipe foreign objects off of her husband’s face. This is the final straw for Will, who finally tells Terri that they need some space. He storms out like a preteen who found out her grades weren’t high enough for Hannah Montana Live tickets. Fueled on by Terri, Ken chooses this moment of cold sack lunches and the smell of day old coffee and ink toner to drop to one knee. He pulls a ring from his crotch pouch, cubic zirconium. “I know how affected you were by Blood Diamond.

Now it’s the girls’ turn. They perform a mash-up of Beyonce’s ‘Halo’ and ’80s new wave rockers Katrina and the Waves’ ‘Walking on Sunshine’. Rachel is in overdrive. It’s well choreographed, and the mash-up works well. Heavy on the auto-tune, but still great. They’re even so hot, Kurt puts on sunglasses. Good routine, good performance, the judges have their work cut out for them.

Emma and Will go into the hall to talk, he asks her if the proposal is true.

“What are you going to do?” Will asks.
“Can you think of any other options I might have?”
“Is that a reason to marry someone?”
“That’s not what I’m asking.”

Terri watches on from the distance, verifyng the importance of this conversation.
Terri confronts Emma in an abandoned classroom. She lets her know that competition with her is like a “nail competing with a hammer.” “Will deserves a lot better than you,” Emma retorts.

Terri says Emma should marry Ken, as he is actually available. She contemplates Terri’s advice.

Quinn then talks with Terri regarding her offer for the baby. She accepts Rumplestiltskin’s offer, but is denied any financing for medical bills and clothing. Hopefully her parents don’t find out.

Emma then enters germ ground zero to confront Ken about the proposal. She will agree on 20 conditions, most of which add up to not actually being married. Good enough for Ken, it was a better deal than he expected. She agrees to be his lawfully wedded wife, to mistrust and avoid for the rest of their lives, till germs do they part.

Rachel and Finn then discuss performing under controlled substance. They feel guilty for cheating on their performances. They agree on mutual disqualification. A-rod decides to keep his MVP award.

Terri is finally ousted for drugging the kids, due to Howard getting arrested by federal agents. Will is furious. For the first time he finally stands up to his wife. “Every time I light a fire in my life, you find a way to make sure it burns the forest down.”

Unfortunately, Will gets punished too. A co-chair has been assigned to monitor the glee club.

The co-chair is revealed, duh duh duuuuuh, It’s Sue.

Emma and Will then go for another talk. She said yes to Ken’s proposal. They part ways, possibly for good. They will have to wipe things from other people’s faces for now on. This has to be the worst day of Will’s life.

Back in Rachel’s bedroom, she stares curiously at an empty box of decongestants before throwing it away. Possibly, she’s been taking them every morning, not knowing what they were. Invigorated with a new energy, sectionals will be her one focus now. She found that competitive edge, not with her other Glee partners, but within herself.

Thank you for reading my first re-cap of “Glee.” I hope you enjoy the show as much as I do. If you like any of the performances from the show, the songs are available on the ITunes store for about $1.29 apiece. I’m not a pimp for Apple, but “Walking on Sunshine”/”Halo” might be good for early mornings on the elliptical machine. It’s also a good way to support the show as it continues to build a following.

Oh yeah, how is lightning in competition with an above ground swimming pool?

Andrew J. Stride lives in Omaha, somewhere in middle America. You can email him or leave a comment below.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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