Earlier this summer, a certain Republican grandparent came to visit and at some point, ended up playing hide and seek with the kids. And you know how kids will yell out every once in a while to indicate where they are to make it easier to find them? My kids yell out the names of Presidents. “Washington!” “Lincoln!” “Obama!” It’s very cute.
After the grandparents left, however, my son ratted out his grandfather and told me that he was whispering to the twins, “Yell Osama!”
That’s how you make Dad’s forehead vein bulge. The anger that I felt in that moment was searing, and there were a few conversations that needed to be had after that.
However, I could possibly envision a scenario after that incident in which I was put on the spot, had no time to think, and — after being asked to get someone else to say “Obama!” without using the word “Barack” — immediately call back to that memory and say “Osama!” before my brain could stop me.
I would hate myself. It would be humiliating and awful and I would never, ever forgive myself.
I know, because it’s what happened to this poor bastard.
choking on my own tongue. pic.twitter.com/9VtRysTXEL— bobby (@bobby) August 13, 2018
In the interest of fairness, Evan Kaufman should at least be allowed to explain himself.
I was on $100,000 Pyramid. I’m playing with Tim Meadows, one of my heroes from SNL. My son had been born two weeks prior. I am very tired but excited to win money for my family. We play up the whole tired Dad thing. (2/13)— Evan Kaufman (@EvanKaufman) August 14, 2018
The producers of the show tell us beforehand, if we get to the final round, to study the questions VERY hard. “People misread them!” They say. They have no idea. (3/13)— Evan Kaufman (@EvanKaufman) August 14, 2018
I lose my first round. I think, oh well… no Pyramid for me. Then Meadows and I go on a run in the second round. We’re having fun, he’s cracking jokes! This is great. (4/13)— Evan Kaufman (@EvanKaufman) August 14, 2018
The first square flips. I breathe. I read “People Whose Last Name is Obama.” I freeze. There’s only one. BARACK OBAMA. The man I would have voted for three times*! (*H/T Jordan Peele) (6/13)— Evan Kaufman (@EvanKaufman) August 14, 2018
“Who else is a famous Obama?” My brain is racing. I need to list multiple people. I can’t just say Barack. What I should have said was, “Michelle, Sasha, Malia, Bo! The PORTUGUESE WATER DOG BO!” (7/13)— Evan Kaufman (@EvanKaufman) August 14, 2018
Here’s what my brain decided. Who is associated with Obama? Who did he kill? What sounds like Obama! (8/13)— Evan Kaufman (@EvanKaufman) August 14, 2018
And so you have this perfectly viral clip. A clip that is insanely funny. It would be so funny if it wasn’t me. The editing is impeccable. The little breath I take? I’m working so hard to get it right. (9/13)— Evan Kaufman (@EvanKaufman) August 14, 2018
But this just goes to show you that even a liberal Globalist Cuck like yours truly has some inherent racism lurking in my brain. What a disaster. (10/13)— Evan Kaufman (@EvanKaufman) August 14, 2018
What you don’t see in this clip is me, shocked, correcting myself and saying Barack. Tim gets the answer. We get stumped on Margarita a few questions later. Turns out Margarita is Tim Meadow’s Grandmother’s name. (11/13)— Evan Kaufman (@EvanKaufman) August 14, 2018
Tim feels bad he lost the money for me, because he's sweet. Kathy Najimy can't look me in the eye. I leave knowing that my day of reckoning is coming. Maybe they can cut it out? They can't… it's timed. (12/13)— Evan Kaufman (@EvanKaufman) August 14, 2018
I leave with $8500… and the story of the worst pyramid guess of all-time. (13/13 Fin)— Evan Kaufman (@EvanKaufman) August 14, 2018