Another week, another excruciatingly dull episode of Penny Dreadful, a show with so many monsters, and so little plot development. This week, Caliban kills Abraham Van Helsing because he’s run out of patience with Dr. Frankenstein (haven’t we all!), who has yet to fashion Caliban a Frankenlover (though, Caliban has his eye on Maud Gunneson).

Meanwhile, Sir Malcolm Murray’s search for his daughter Mina Harker, who is trapped in the netherworld, continues to spin its wheels. Murray, his African companion Sembene and Josh Hartnett’s Ethan Chandler had an encounter with her, and there was a lot of chaos, but in the end, Harker slipped back into the nethers, and all Chambers could offer was, “Well, you know, win some/lose some. I’m sure we’ll snatch her out of purgatory the next time! BRB, going to have sex with my love who is dying from consumption again!”

Vanessa’s (Eva Green) storyline Dorian Grey wasn’t much more interesting, as they went out on a dinner date and said a lot of plodding, insubstantial things, like “There are things within us that can never be unleashed. They would consume us!

However, as it did last week, the freaky Eva Green sex scene provided the only real spark in the episode, and her and Dorian Grey went at it like snarling, feral warthogs rooting at each other’s bodies like insects trying to fuck their way beneath the skin.

Here’s where I kept waiting for Eva Green to cry, “GIDDYUP.”

Here, Vanessa decided to crack out the letter opener and open up Dorian’s pectoral muscle to see what it tasted like.

But honestly, the best part: Vanessa’s crazy O-Face.

And I know that some people, after great sex, just want to relax and smoke a cigarette. Not Vanessa, though. SHE LEVITATES. LIKE A BOSS.

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