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"Drop the Microphone and Get out of That Bitch" and the Other Best Lines from Last Night's Comedies

By Dustin Rowles | TV | April 15, 2011 |

By Dustin Rowles | TV | April 15, 2011 |

Community (Grade: C+. Kind of flat. )

  • “My uncle never stuck his finger in my plop plop … I know, I’m bummed about it, too.”

  • “I’m auditioning for the all-black production of Fiddler on the Roof. It’s called Fiddla, Please.

    The Paul Reiser Show (Grade: D. I loved “Mad About You.” I really like Paul Reiser. This show? Not very good.)

  • (Larry David to Paul Reiser) “You should be doing your version of Curb Your Enthusiasm, because you’re so much worse than I am.”

    The Office (Grade: B. The return of a little of that early season uncomfortable humor was refreshing, even if the episode mostly spun its wheels.)

  • “”One of my favorite things is fanfare for its own sake. So, without further ado, let’s all start clapping!”

  • “What is the native American girl’s name?”

  • I’m telling you, that baby could be the star of a show called “Babies I don’t Care About.”

    Parks and Recreation (Grade: A for Awesome Sauce)

  • (Swanson on Chris’ vegetable loaf) “So, not only does this thing exist, but now you’ve deprived everyone of cake.”

  • (On Julie Roberts) “Is she that toothy girl from Mystic Pizza?”

  • “Did you grow up in the woods. Are you Nell? From the movie Nell?

  • “The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”

  • “Drop the microphone, get out of that bitch.”

    30 Rock (Grade: B for mad one-liners. I’d give it a B+, but that would suggest it was within spitting distance of last night’s “Parks and Rec,” and it just wasn’t)

  • “I sound like Cagney & Lacey without the slutty clothes.”

  • “Can we order lunch from IKEA?”

  • “A large pizza with one slice taken out so I can pretend I’m eating Pac-Man, like my hero Blinky the ghost.”

  • “Is that a to do list, ‘cause if your wife is on it, I’ve already done it.”

  • “Sean Penn wanted me to go to Haiti. And I’m not strong enough for the pain and misery of a 3 and a half hour flight with Sean Penn.”

  • “You’ve got almost every kind of mustard, but still not the one I’m thinking of. It’s red and says ketchup on it!”

  • “Could you use that to motivate Slaughterface into sewing she sheriff’s mouth to his own anus? Of course, elegant. Should vaginatorium be capitalized?”

    Archer (Grade: B)

  • “Hey, try not to be unconscious for too long. It’s super bad for you.”

  • “Can I bring you back anything from Russia? Maybe, nesting dolls of my penis?”

  • (After jumping onto a broken bottle two kids had busted): “How is this happy playtime? Use your imaginations. Make a soccer ball out of a dead cat.”

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    Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.