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Crazy Ranking "True Blood": 'You're Dead to Me Now, Sookie Stackhouse' Edition

By Sarah Carlson | TV | July 1, 2013 |

By Sarah Carlson | TV | July 1, 2013 |

For “True Blood’s” Sixth Season, each week we’ll review and rank the various raisin-cake plot developments of this bloody, campy drama. This post could get a bit NSFW, so be warned. Comments also won’t be strictly policed because the series is so far off the source novels, spoilers are practically a moot point.

Compared with last week’s body-bending, blood-gushing episode, the third entry for “True Blood’s” Season Six was downright normal. “You’re No Good” lacked some of the craziness we’ve come to know from the series, but the episode was a solid entry for a so-far engaging season. A lot is in motion: Sam rescued Emma, and Lafayette has said he’ll have his back; dumb Vampire Unity Socieity humans were snacks for Alcide’s pack, although Nicole was able to escape (with Sam headed after her); the vamps had to abandon Fangtasia, a move only Pam openly mourned but one that will surely stick with Eric; something is seriously wrong with Jason, more than just a concussion; Willa was taken hostage by Eric but then “rescued” by Tara; Ben didn’t stay away for long, and Niall either trusts him or is pretending to trust him to keep him close; Warlow is still out there — he killed off the fairies hiding in the circus tent — but it was Nora who was busy darting about the Stackhouse homestead; and humans are not only out to eradicate vampires, but they’d like to study them first. I couldn’t begin to predict what will happen this season, and that’s a nice change of pace from many shows.

This week’s list truly is more of an appreciation ranking. On we go:

5. Billith has plenty of abilities, and can certainly survive Sookie’s plate attacks.



But surviving the sun? Not so much.



His only shot is fairy blood, and withholding, things aren’t looking good for Andy’s four fairy daughters. Speaking of: “Damn it, girls! How many times I have to tell you, hand lasers off!”

4. Finally, Jessica got to do something other than cry/worry over Bill or Jason. She’s one of the better invented-for-the-show characters, and she’s at her best when she gets to let loose.


3. I’m also glad the seeds planted Fellowship of the Sun events from Season Two and beyond are coming to fruition in the human-vampire conflict. It’s a holy war, with the leaders in both camps going to extremes because they believe they’ve got the God-given right to do so. If anything, we need a Fellowship resurgence to balance out the Lilith talk. As a bonus, it means more Newlins. Anna Camp is divine, and the Newlins — now that they’re no longer pretending to be a happy couple — are hilarious.



2. All dogs wear clothes in the South. Nothing strange to see here. At the rate the werewolves are going — killing naive do-gooders out to bring harmony to the world — it’s only a matter of time before they out themselves. The more supernatural mayhem, the better.


1.5. I so appreciate Eric’s glamouring prep, but with Willia, it may not be necessary. She tried different strategies with him — as seducer, she quickly became the seducee — but I don’t believe she is playing him. She’s intrigued.


1. Bill and Sookie are allies no more. A lot has changed between the two over the seasons (Oh, Season One), but with her staking him on instinct to save Eric and now not being remotely amused as his thinking himself a deity, there’s no going back for these two.



Lafayette’s Best Lines

Dumb Boyfriend: “Are you threatening me?” Lafayette: “Imma bust you in your face with this f**kin’ bottle — now that’s a threat. What I just gave you was some more than good advice.”

“Now Sammy, before you turn into a snake or a bear or some sh*t that I can’t have a conversation with, what insane plan you got cookin’ in that pretty little head of yours?”

“I is in, and I’m askin’: what’s the motherfu**in’ plan, boyfriend?”

Everyone Else’s Best Lines



Andy: “F**kin’ science!”

Holly: “Outta my head, No. 3!”



Sarah: “The truth is, if you really want to do God’s work, you have to be in politics.”

Eric: “It’s OK, Ginger. I understand. You’re stupid.”

Minor Death

Goodbye, Claude. (That was Claude, right?) Your death wasn’t major because the writers chose not to utilize you at all, but us book readers bid you adieu.

Lasting Images




You can’t get more quintessential vampire story than this — a gorgeous vamp donned in a $3,000 black suit, resting next to a virginal human in a white nightgown, in a coffin lined with crushed red velvet. It’s so gleefully obvious, it actually works. Willa’s innocence is actually refreshing; most of the humans still alive in Bon Temps are far too accustomed to the word of the supernaturals. Bringing in fresh blood to discover the world of vampires takes us back to Season One (and some of the more fun parts of the books), and it’s fun.

Final Thoughts

I believe we need that scene in gif form:

EricFinger1.gif EricFinger2.gif

Sarah Carlson is a TV Critic for Pajiba. She lives in San Antonio. You can find her on Twitter.