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Crazy Ranking "True Blood": Your Gay Vampire Ex Edition

By Sarah Carlson | TV | July 15, 2013 |

By Sarah Carlson | TV | July 15, 2013 |

For “True Blood’s” Sixth Season, each week we’ll review and rank the various raisin-cake plot developments of this bloody, campy drama. This post could get a bit NSFW, so be warned. Comments also won’t be strictly policed because the series is so far off the source novels, spoilers are practically a moot point.

Episode Five, “F*ck the Pain Away,” continues this season’s run of fun, engaging stories (again, minus the werewolves) and delightful pandering to fans. Instead of presenting a series of new storylines, most every plot is a continuation from last season and beyond. It’s like a reward for sticking with the show throughout the weak fairy plot and uneven Authority detour. All the pieces are in motion: Most of the undead are now at Vamp Camp, where Steve Newlin is turning on his kind like there’s nothing to it, forced to play games and answer questions; Sam, Emma and Nicole are still on the run with Alcide & Co. on their trail (and we still don’t really care); Holly was able to talk Andy out of rash revenge decisions to avenge his dead daughters; and thankfully one of the fairies survived Jessica’s attack.

Here’s what else went on:

5. Eric is good at playing Racquetball From Hell.



4.5. Jessica is not good at being high on fairy blood. (Also, where was Nora?)


4. What in the world is Sarah up to? She appears to be in a hurry to get pregnant, and when the Governor wouldn’t sleep with her — your timing was bad, honey, but you were right about one thing: “When a woman comes to you in black lingerie, you unwrap her!” — she turns to Jason. (The real-life governor of Louisiana’s mansion is in Baton Rouge, the capital, which is a good 250 miles away from Shreveport. Bon Temps is located a ways outside of Shreveport, so how is everyone moving so quickly between the two oh never mind.)



Their rendezvous (see a very NSFW gif set here) was short-lived, however. Once crazy, Jason, always crazy.



3.5. Terry has a death wish thanks to his guilt for killing Patrick, and he has enlisted an old acquaintance from the Marines, Justin (Gideon Emery), to kill him off. Justin agreed to shoot him, but it can’t be that easy. Justin was too agreeable and surely has different motives.


3. We learned a lot about Warlow, who thankfully is turning out to be more complex than first appearances had us believe. Firstly, that he was turned in 3500 B.C. God bless the campy, low-budget flashbacks.


Not only did he not want to be made a vampire by Lilith, but now that Bill has had Lilith’s blood, Bill can command him as his maker. He also appears to have saved Sookie’s life the night her parents died; they were trying to kill her to save her from a fate of marrying Warlow and vamping it up for eternity. This won’t be an easy fact to swallow.


2. Sookie enlisted Lafayette to help her uncover the truth and hear her parents’ side, and anytime Lafayette gets to yell “Now listen up, dead folk!” or “Stackhouses, calm the f*ck down!,” it’s a good thing.


Unfortunately, when our favorite medium channels spirits, they have a habit of overtaking his body and his actions. RIP, Jesus. Keep fighting, Sookie.


1. The screams heard across “TB” fandom came thanks to the threat of Pam and Eric forced to fight to the death. Both were sorry for the predicament, but both are survivors. Eric’s face went cold once he realized what he’d have to do, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he has some maneuver up his sleeve to not only save them both, but to try to rescue the others. Willa would be better in his care, anyway.



Best Lines

  • Sarah: “You’re a demon whore!”
  • Lafayette: “Oh hey there, Sugar Boo Boo. Now what is you doin’ here at your place of work ‘cause I know it ain’t work.”
  • Pam: “I like to think of myself as especially unremorseful.”
  • The Governor: “Your gay vampire ex, that’s my surprise?”
  • Sarah: “Haven’t you seen ‘Gladiator’? F*ckin’ fight!”


Final Thoughts

When I hear the song used over the closing credits, “F*ck the Pain Away” by Peaches, I’m always reminded of this (NSFW) video:

Sarah Carlson is a TV Critic for Pajiba. She lives in San Antonio. You can find her on Twitter.

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