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Crazy Ranking "True Blood": 'They're All Gonna Burn' Edition

By Sarah Carlson | TV | June 24, 2013 |

By Sarah Carlson | TV | June 24, 2013 |

For “True Blood’s” Sixth Season, each week we’ll review and rank the various raisin-cake plot developments of this bloody, campy drama. This post could get a bit NSFW, so be warned. Comments also won’t be strictly policed because the series is so far off the source novels, spoilers are practically a moot point.

Perhaps I should keep this gif handy for the entire Season Six of “True Blood”:


Episode 2, “The Sun,” wasn’t short on insanity, especially where Billith is concerned. All is uneasy in the supernatural world. Warlow is after Sookie, so Niall (Rutger Hauer), the mysterious man who picked up Jason last week, is around to help. He’s their fairy grandfather, naturally. (The gene skipped Jason.) Too bad he met Jason first and not Sookie — of course she was busy caring for a good-looking wounded stranger, Ben (Rob Kazinsky), who of course is half-fae and a telepath and who of course was positioned outside of Merlotte’s, right in Sookie’s path to work. I smell sex and trouble. At least Niall teaches Sookie how to channel/strengthen her magic, although the “more powerful than the sun” ball o’ light she can conjure will, once used, trip her of her powers. Alcide uses his new pack leader status (as well as his and his pals’ beat-down skills) to take Emma away from Sam, which could present a nice battle of shifters versus werewolves. Sam has enough on his plate as it is: Vampires are under attack, and members of the U.S. Vampire Unity Society want shifters to make themselves known and try and change the national dialogue. The co-founder of the group, Nicole (Jurnee Smollett-Bell), wants Sam to lead the way, and his refusal doesn’t stop her and her organic-veggie-loving L.A. friends from filming Alcide and Sam’s confrontation over Emma.

I had already dubbed Nicole’s crew as Fangbanging Freedom Riders when she brought up the real-life Freedom Riders, those who fought against social injustices during the Civil Rights movement. Her phrasing on Sam “coming out” of hiding to reveal his true nature invoked, obviously, gay rights, and the images of uniformed vampires annihilated en masse brought the Holocaust to mind. “True Blood” is an equal opportunity offender, after all. Without getting bogged down in this terribly analogy, I will just point out that humans aren’t fearful of vampires because they are “different.” They are fearful because vampires are immortal, incredibly fast and strong creatures who survive on blood and can kill a human in seconds. The fear is justified; this civil rights angle is mostly ridiculous.

OK, on to the show:

5. I’m scared of the rapidly growing faebies, too, Andy.


4. Silver bullets that emit UV light, which essentially burns vamps from the inside? Humans aren’t messing around.


3. Warlow made it out of the “dark realm” where Claudine blasted him, through the portal and into Bon Temps. And he needs a shave. (Let’s all pause a moment to mourn the loss of Claudine, a cool and important character in the books who was bizarrely rewritten and unceremoniously killed on the show. Lame.)


2. Billith can see the future and feel the pain of vampires (and perhaps other supernatural creatures?) being tortured or killed. So he’s like Yeezus?



1. I just can’t even …


See the full sequence in gif form here. I think this beats Bill twisting Lorena’s head 180 degrees during sex back in Season Three.

Lafayette’s Best Moment:


What I wouldn’t give to see a spin-off with these two. They’d go on adventures, him channeling spirits and her turning into a wolf just because. Perfection.

Pam’s Best Moment:


Major Death


None, although we saw Eric, Pam, Tara and Jessica burn in Bill’s premonition.

Lasting Images and Final Thoughts


If Eric dies, we riot.

Sarah Carlson is a TV Critic for Pajiba. She lives in San Antonio. You can find her on Twitter.

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