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Crazy Ranking "True Blood": Billith Is a 'Naked, Evil Superman' Edition

By Sarah Carlson | TV | June 17, 2013 |

By Sarah Carlson | TV | June 17, 2013 |

For “True Blood’s” Sixth Season, each week we’ll review and rank the various raisin-cake plot developments of this bloody, campy drama. This post could get a bit NSFW, so be warned. Comments also won’t be strictly policed because the series is so far off the source novels, spoilers are practically a moot point.

Welcome, Truebies and Newbies! “True Blood” is back for a new season after a frankly insane Season Five. Creator Alan Ball is gone, and his replacement Mark Hudis was himself replaced in March by new showrunner Brian Buckner, who has served as a writer/producer since the series’ first season. This many turnovers usually isn’t a good sign (see: uneven seasons with “The Walking Dead”), but perhaps Buckner can add some freshness to show. Picking up immediately where last season left off, “Who Are You, Really?” moved around enough chess pieces to keep things fairly interesting and finally introduced Warlow, played by Rutger Hauer. It also set up nicely the burgeoning war of humans versus vampires and the world of hurt heading the undead’s way with curfews and shutdowns of their businesses. Louisiana’s Governor Burrell (Arliss Howard) is ready to use the situation to his advantage, and surely no one will make it through the season unscathed.

Viewers who tuned in early for last night’s season premiere were greeted to some delightully awkward and forced conversations among the cast members and host Rhetta for a live special. This ploy definitely didn’t feel in line with HBO and its other major shows; you don’t often see the network begging for better ratings. At least the special provided opportunity for us to witness the actors goofing around:


On to the episode, “Who Are You, Really?”:

5. Sookie’s faceplant into vampire goo felt like fan service. Sometimes, it’s just nice to see her taken down a notch.


4. We also got several dramatic fang-retraction moments, which manage to be both attractive and ridiculous. Bill forcing Eric into submission may have been my favorite.


3. Even funnier is what happens when a vampire’s invitation to a home is rescinded. Even Alexander Skarsgård can’t look cool as he slow-motion glides out a door.


2. Bill’s Lilithy reincarnation is worrisome, given that he can apparently kill another being in a flash and can’t be killed via stake. Is he some sort of vampire Messiah? (Remember: God is a vampire, and in the beginning he created Lilith in his image, then created humans to serve as food for vamps. It is known.)




The entire stake sequence was pretty cool.

1. The werewolves win this episode, however, firstly for their clothes-ripping and body-part-gnawing activities.


The “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” can-do attitude was the most entertaining, as Alcide’s hook-up in the woods quickly turned into a threesome. Just remember who your top b*tch is, pack leader. (NSFW: We got some serious butt shots, too.)


Pam and Lafayette’s Best Lines


  • ‘Is this about your girlfriend turning into Steve Newlin? Because that was the sickest sh*t I’ve seen on TV, and I watch “Dance Moms.”

  • “You want somethin’ deep-fried, dipped in sugar and fried all over again?”

  • “Wrong place at the wrong f**kin’ time oughta be my middle f**kin’ name.”


  • “Honey, I don’t know about the world, but I’m about to end your face.”

  • “Who the f**k is Mary Poppins, and can I please kill her?”

  • “Oh honey. This isn’t going to be some f**kin’ epic love story.”



Major Death

So long, Luna. Her death would have meant more to viewers if it had come last season as we watched her and Sam struggle to find Emma. Here, she wasn’t given much fanfare, which is a shame.


Lasting Image

He knows how to gaze, this one.


Final Thoughts

Even vampires don’t look graceful when they hurl.


Sarah Carlson is a TV Critic for Pajiba. She lives in San Antonio. You can find her on Twitter.