When it was announced a couple years ago that Hasbro had launched a production company with Paramount and was in the process of creating movies based up on its lines of toys and games, every single product, when mentioned in the context of a potential movie franchise, sounded completely batballs ridiculous. And still does. Time and an actual film will not somehow magically make me feel as though the tale of Stretch Armstrong requires not only a film, but a film to squishify young girls by enlisting that Na’vi boy they’re trying to make a sexy thing.
But this one…it’s as though it should make the most sense. And because of that it makes the least.
Accorcding to THR, “Original Appalachian Artworks, which owns the brand, said Monday it has sold TV rights to Walker along with CWA Carlin West Agency, a company created by Carlin West, a former executive with 4Kids Entertainment.”
You know what? Comparatively speaking, I’m now seeing some understandable potential in Battleship and Monopoly. Those are games and the options are pretty open as to what they can do with them. But, Cabbage Patch Dolls. Cabbage Patch Dolls.
There are some things that should stay ensconced in the realm of the ’80s. Things like Red Dawn, Valley Girl and Girls Just Want To Have Fun, all in talks to be remade, none of which make sense outside of their goddamn decade. The Cabbage Patch Kids exist inside a bubble of nostalgia, and are goofy as shit outside of it. These are dolls that were created to teach kids about adoption while still designed to completely leave out that icky sex part, and they were all branded with tramp stamps. As soon as you bring them into any other point in time, a time in which these things are not universally understood as perfectly acceptable, the need is in place to completely rejigger or reboot their backstory.
Also, you know they’re totally going to tart these things up. Look at what they did to Strawberry Shortcake. Dolls cannot just be left ugly (and ugly they are). They’re going to make them cute. Hot, even.