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B*tch Ranking "Downton Abbey": "Why, God, Why?!" Edition

By Joanna Robinson | TV | January 28, 2013 |

By Joanna Robinson | TV | January 28, 2013 |

In lieu of a standard recap, we’ll be doing a Monday morning b*tchcap for the rest “Downton Abbey“‘s run on PBS. Although many of you have somehow seen the rest of Season 3 already, I’ll ask that you refrain from spoiling any Americans in the comments section below. So please feel free to discuss everything up to and including Season 3, Episode 4 of the PBS version of “Downton Abbey.” But, before you do, here are this week’s b*tch rankings.

Due to the tragic nature of last night’s episode, Dustin suggested I do a grief-cap. But my heart is blacker than his. So b*tchcap it is. Nonetheless, I hope you have your tissues ready.-JR

5. Daisy: Daisy’s being fairly harsh on the pretty new kitchen maid. All for the love of Edwardian Landry. While her bitchiness is somewhat understandable, she forgot the first rule of Downton: Kitchen Hos over Footmen Bros.

4. Mrs. Bird: Cousin Isobel’s cook didn’t show much sisterly love either in refusing to work with Prostitute Ethel. It’s almost as if she’d never heard of the “Heart Of Gold” trope. The upshot? Her bitchiness allowed for some classic Cousin Isobel zingers.

3. Vera Bates From Beyond The Grave: I know, I know, we’ve all lost interest in Inmate Bates, but it’s worth noting that his ex-wife was so evil, she committed suicide to frame him for murder. Emily Thorn take note, that’s commitment to revenge.

2. Eclampsia: Were you shocked? Did any of you manage to make it all the way into this episode unspoiled? If so, did the Death Puddy by Max Factor they slathered on Sybil’s face at the start of the episode tip you off that all might not go well? If not, and you were caught completely off-guard, then my condolences. This must have been rough. P.S. Matthew’s face is a perfect study of emasculated helplessness.


1. Lord Grantham/Sir Phillip:
After a refreshing morning of quashing his middle daughter’s hopes and dreams…

Lord Grantham and Sr Phillip teamed up to, well, let’s just say murder the youngest, cutest, sweetest Lady in the household. You can chalk their actions up to medical ignorance of the time, or poor Dr. Clarkson’s spotty track record, but I’m going to attribute it to snobbish, old-fashioned patriarchal bullsh*t. Well done, gents. Well done. Lord Grantham, I shouldn’t be surprised if you were sleeping in the doghouse for a long time.

Best Line:
“If there’s one thing I’m quite indifferent to, it’s Sir Philip Tapsell’s feelings.”

Most Heartbreaking Moment:
It’s a tie between this:

And this:

Best Dressed: Lady Mary, I guess. It was interesting that the Crawley family kept it formal, even as they were keeping vigil in the birthing room.

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