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B*tch Ranking "Downton Abbey": The Queen Bitch Returneth

By Joanna Robinson | TV | February 12, 2013 |

By Joanna Robinson | TV | February 12, 2013 |

In lieu of a standard recap, we’ll be doing a weekly b*tchcap for the rest “Downton Abbey“‘s run on PBS. Although many of you have somehow seen the rest of Season 3 already, I’ll ask that you refrain from spoiling any Americans in the comments section below. So please feel free to discuss everything up to and including Season 3, Episode 6 of the PBS version of “Downton Abbey.” But, before you do, here are this week’s b*tch rankings.

5. Lord Grantham: With his unexpectedly lenient (AND REALLY UNREALISTIC BUT THAT’S OKAY) attitude towards Poor Gay Thomas, Lord Grantham nearly weaseled his way off the b*tch rank this week. But, well, being gay is all well and good but Catholics are still the scum of the earth, right? Full marks for that gay kissing at Eton story, though, Lord Grantham. Even Bates dug it.

4. Editor of “The Sketch,” Michael Gregson: First of all, I’m a little skeeved out by how much Lady Edith’s editor and would-be suitor looks like her ex-fiance. Right? Also, I am crushed, crushed to learn that the lovely flirty newspaper man is married. I thought he and Edith were going to have a Hildy/Walter relationship. Alas, things took a turn for the Rochester and I’m sorry, but I’m not overly fond of the whole “my wife’s in an asylum” plotline. Are we meant to be rooting for her death. Is this Bates redux?

3. Newly Anointed First Footman Jimmy And Second Footman Alfred: Listen, they’re extraordinarily rude reaction to Thomas’ sexuality aside (BECAUSE IT’S PERIOD APPROPRIATE, ALAS, THAT’S WHY), I’m disappointed these two allowed themselves to be so thoroughly manipulated by O’Brien. Poor show, lads.

2. Novels About Young Women Admired For Their Feistiness: Ah, Sybil 2.0: Blonde and Feisty.
Cousin Rose’s transformation from Little Bopeep to flapper was delightfully racy. I strongly suspect Rose will be sticking around which is nice because it’s not as if Mary’s going to be sexing Turks to death any time soon. And with the departure of sad prostitute Ethel, we could use a bit more scandal about the place.

1. O’Brien: The queen is back destroying lives without batting an eyelash. This revenge against Thomas is payback for…what? Him messing with Alfred? Pretty out proportion and harsh. Especially considering the two used to be so close.
It’s a good thing Thomas had that ace up his sleeve. You guys! Bates did something useful (I mean, in addition to the bang up interior decorating job). It’s been so long!

Best Line: “Oh, well, that is an easy caveat to accept, because I am never wrong.”

Worst Line: “Now we can start making babies.” Ugh, Matthew. UGH.

Most Heartbreaking Moment: I know, I know! Thomas was JUST a scheming villain and I shouldn’t feel so soft and squishy towards him, but that hunted look he gave Alfred in the hallway, barely holding it together with Carson and then fully breaking down with Mrs. Hughes? I’m sorry. It got me.

Best Dressed: The fellers in their cricket whites, of course. I loved this plotline. Poor Molesley was SO Mr. Collins about the whole thing.

Best Hat: Lady Edith. I do so love it when she wins with hats.

Sleep well, poppets. One more episode left!