Crazy Awesome Ranking "True Blood": 'Just Me, This Blunt and My Glue Gun' Edition

By Sarah Carlson | TV | July 23, 2013 |

By Sarah Carlson | TV | July 23, 2013 |

For “True Blood’s” Sixth Season, each week we’ll review and rank the various raisin-cake plot developments of this bloody, campy drama. This post could get a bit NSFW, so be warned. Comments also won’t be strictly policed because the series is so far off the source novels, spoilers are practically a moot point.

Yes, “True Blood” deserves to be Awesome Ranked this week. Only four episodes remain in “True Blood’s” shortened and fairly redemptive Season Six, but the body count already is high. Both deaths in the very strong “Don’t You Feel Me?” came surprisingly quickly; the Governor surely hadn’t unleashed everything he had planned before Bill decapitated him after slaughtering his guards, and the lead-up to poor Terry’s death was short as well. More on him later, but I at least hope some sort of closure is in store for Arlene. Everything is clicking along perfectly, with all roads leading to a showdown at Vamp Camp, and with each episode, I am enjoying this season of “True Blood” much more than the previous several seasons.

In the less interesting plots, Andy helped his surviving fairy daughter come up with a name (or four of them, three to honor her dead sisters), and to save time, she will hence be referred to as A.B.C.D.; Sam returned Emma to her grandmother, Martha, and once Alcide tracked him down, he actually didn’t kill him for it; and Nicole is still along for the ride. The shifters and werewolves just can’t catch a good storyline break.

On to the best parts of the episode:

5. As if the experiments the government is running on the captured vampires weren’t bad enough, people like Sarah Newlin bring an entirely new level of cruelty to the proceedings. Poor Jessica is down so low she thinks she deserves the treatment, but thankfully she was spared from the copulation study.

Also, I’m gonna need James (Luke Grimes) to be a recurring character.

4. As expected, Eric and Pam found an interesting way to avoid fighting to the death, and not since Independence Day has a body been so effectively flung at and pressed up against glass to make a point.

3. Billith had his fair share of theatrics, from (thanks to Warlow’s blood) walking in the sunlight to withstanding a barrage of bullets to the most impressive stunt of turning the Governor’s guards’ guns against themselves and ordering them to fire.

2. And secondly, with ripping off the Governor’s head and leaving it at the foot of his statue.

1. Sookie and Ben/Warlow get the top spot, however.

What do you mean you don't randomly give off blinding light during sex? I thought that was normal

— Robert Kazinsky (@RobertKazinsky) July 22, 2013

Sookie has got herself a reputation, and apparently, she is ready to embrace it. “There’s a pattern that’s starting to emerge, so maybe it’s time I started to accept this about myself,” she tells Warlow, right before she has sex with him. I can’t argue with her; something about Benlow feels genuine, and considering how insane her life already is — she did just learn her father tried to kill her, and her first vampire ex believes he’s a prophet — giving in to her feelings seems downright rational. He’s a halfling, like her, and they’ve got a connection she’s never before experienced. Go for it, Sookie. However, you can’t stay hidden in Fairyland forever.

Major Death

Fare thee well, Terry Bellefleur. I hadn’t expected him to go so quickly — an original cast member, and one of the only human characters left — and especially not so tragically. Having his memory erased by a vampire, thanks to a well-meaning Arlene and Holly, was a fitting twist to the storyline. They relied on the supernatural to provide a quick fix to the problem of Terry wanting to die, but little did they know that by having his mind cleared of his life at war, he would also forget asking his old Marine friend, Justin, to do him in. We assume it was Justin who pulled the trigger out behind Merlotte’s, clueless as to Terry’s new upbeat — you could say brainwashed — attitude. His death is sad, but perhaps it is not as sad as the thought of him living a lie. At least he and Arlene had a touching goodbye, a poignant moment in a sea of crazy.

And It’s Not Looking Good For …

Nora and potentially a hell of a lot of vamps: This “Hepatitis V” (I just can’t even go there) the government has concocted has not only been injected into Eric’s sister but into tons of Tru Blood bottles about to make their way into society. No telling if there’s a cure.

Best Lines

• Lafayette: “So let me get this hetero straight. So you’s a vampire that can come out in the daytime?” Sookie: “Yeah, in a nutshell.” Lafayette: “Oh, there goes the damn neighborhood.”
• Lafayette: “Just me, a blunt and my glue gun.”
• Sarah: “What the hell do you think you’re doin’?” Jason: “Grabbin’ you by your pretty little Texas balls.”
• Willa: “I’m dead, and you’re still over-protective. Isn’t that just perfect?”
• Eric: “Fantastico!”
• Sookie: “I might be a whore, but I ain’t stupid.”

Final Thoughts

I’m just saying: It wouldn’t hurt to add another vampire to the mix, now would it?

Sarah Carlson is a TV Critic for Pajiba. She lives in San Antonio. You can find her on Twitter.