All the Red Flags of the 'Vanderpump Rules' Reunion: Sandoval Martyrs Himself

By Chris Revelle | TV | June 1, 2023 |

By Chris Revelle | TV | June 1, 2023 |

Last week in the heteronormative funhouse mirror we call Vanderpump Rules, Andy called the kangaroo court to order, the sins of Scandoval were weighed, clothes were worn, Raquel watched from a trailer exactly 100 yards from Scheana, and DJ Cokerage threw his back out pulling focus.

This week, Sandoval climbs up on a cross he designed and built himself like the world’s most obnoxious martyrs. Here are this week’s Red Flags:

Red Flag
We’re back in the cacophony of cross-talk. After James stomps off again, Sandoval and Lauryn From Utah keep fighting and he accuses her of taking out her IUD when former castmate Stassi got pregnant. Excuse me?!

James slinks back in and Andy tells him to sit in his fucking chair.

Red Flag
They call lunch and what a treat, we follow everyone to their respective escapes. Ariana throws a hoodie on so she can eat comfortably without her boob straps. Sandoval flounces over to Raquel’s trailer to conspire. He tries so hard to play everything off as everyone being mean ol’ meanies.

Red Flag
Raquel’s like, we only lied about the ONE THING. OK. Sure, it was one affair, but there were many lies to perpetuate it. Raquel and Sandoval reflect on whether the affair was such a good idea after all. Sandoval speaks of it like they’ve gotten a true love out of this, but Raquel refers to it all as a wake-up call. Yikes!

Red Flag
Sandoval and Raquel try to take a “real break” aka unfilmed lunch. We get an on-camera producer fielding Sandoval’s tantrum as he complains about being filmed all the time … on the reality show … he’s on. Sorry Sandy, no talking to another cast member without cameras, thems the breaks! My sympathies for them are limited. Being on camera all the time without a true break does sound really draining, but then I just wouldn’t sign up to do that. Also, they suck, so.

Red Flag
Ally joins us in a very Barbiecore burlesque look and Andy asks her whether seeing James on the show before meeting him gave her any pause. Ally’s like, nope! Siiiiiiiiiigh.

Red Flag
We recount a time in which James lashed out at Raquel’s parents, calling them fat and miserable. He says that because her mom joked about his dick, that was fair play. Andy asks Ally whether she thinks James’ drinking is a problem. As she finishes her reply that they’re working on it, Sandoval pounces with an incident in which James showed up to a business event hammered, slapped waitresses’ asses, and lost them business. James claims that other people get drunk, HE provides an EXPERIENCE. Sandoval tries to say he doesn’t feel up random women and Ariana cuts in: “you just fuck them!” As Sandy stews on that with his white nails, James runs off (??) again (???). His tricks are wearing thin.

Red Flag
They revisit when LFU played up to Ally how wild James can be. LFU attributes it to her feeling raw after her breakup from Randall, but honestly warning people about James is just common decency. Beware the Human Cigarette!

Red Flag
Scheana can’t comment until the court date, but Andy wants to know if anyone thinks she punched Raquel. Scheana can’t have, her nails are too long to form a fist! When the question comes to Sandoval, he takes a long pause before saying he wants to be truthful, but he’s between a rock and a hard place. With much hemming and hawing, he claims Scheana said “I punched her in the face.” Scheana and Ariana shout him down.

Red Flag
Will Ariana ever be friends with Raquel? Nope! Asked and answered.

We flash back to Scheana’s story (from a friend?) about Sandoval telling Raquel at Coachella that he and Ariana are in an open relationship. He denies it, and like, who really knows, but what’s another log in this bonfire of the vanities.

Red Flag
We cut to the pre-reunion talking-heads and Raquel hands over some paperwork confirming a request for dismissal of charges against Scheana. Yay! Ariana wishes Raquel would stay away anyway. Scheana tears up reflecting on how hurt she feels by Raquel and Sandoval’s betrayal. She says her trust has been violated. We cut to Raquel in the trailer, blinking at the live feed. She realizes she should’ve wrote Scheana a “personal note.” Ya that was the problem.

Red Flag
Sandoval claims the affair wasn’t malicious, but Ariana doesn’t let him get away with that. Ariana bids him to be the real him. He tries to say that this is the real Ariana that killed their relationship and yadda-yaddas away his responsibility for inflicting pain on his friends. He gets torn to shreds. Sandoval stalks off to smoke outside while Scheana gifts Andy with a vinyl of Good As Gold which you can also hear in a current Uber Eats ad campaign. The real Scandoval was synergy the whole time!

Red Flag
Andy plays a segment of his 1:1 with Raquel and we are, once again, walking through the world’s greatest love story ever told. Andy says that it’s wild how Ariana didn’t see “the signs” which tees Raquel up to claim it seemed like Ariana knew what was going on on some level. But now she knows Ariana wanted to know! Whoopsie! Raquel claims that she and Sandoval were going to tell Ariana an abridged version of the events. Then Ariana reached out privately to ask for the truth because she knew Tom wouldn’t be honest.

Red Flag
Sandoval creeps back in and Schwartz pops a Xanax. Raquel walks in and everyone hisses with their eyes as we end!

Till next week’s final bloodbath, frenemies and lovers!

Red Flags: Innumerable (13)
Iconic Shot: Scheana fresh off the set is immediately in sweats and clutching a White Claw in her long talons.

Chris Revelle shouts into the media void with his pals on Why Did We Watch This?