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Bad Ass Jack is Back. Maybe.

By Cindy Davis | TV | February 5, 2010 |

By Cindy Davis | TV | February 5, 2010 |

Could it be…is our bad ass Jack back? I thought I saw glimpses of him this hour, though I heard nary a “Dammit” and he was under cover as a Deutsche arms dealer wearing nerdy glasses. I feel certain Jack is intermittently thinking with his riot baton. One minute he’s firmly in charge and the next he’s uttering a defeated “fine.” When the episode opened with Jack in his car all greasy and sweaty, I had to wonder what he was doing in there, listening to Renee over the earpiece. Grandpa Jack, are you getting too worked up? I’d hate to see Ortiz take over for you even though he has had all that experience in Fallujah. Is it just me, or could Chloe take down Cole with a glance?

As I mentioned, Jack is all greasy and sweaty as he exits his car and tells Renee he has a visual on her. Jack calls CTU, asks Chloe to monitor Renee’s communication and to connect him to Hastings. There’s the usual blah, blah, blah over Jack wanting Renee pulled out because she’s a danger to herself and the mission. She’s like a bomb waiting to go off! Jack wants to arrest Vlad; if Vlad knows how to find the rods Jack will make him talk. Hastings tells Jack “We don’t do that anymore.” Apparently Renee didn’t get the memo? Jack tells Hastings to do whatever it is they do then — offer immunity? Hastings blathers on again with the bit about how Renee is THE ONLY ONE who can help them. Hello? Do you know what show this is Mr. CTU Director? This is the Jack Bauer show, not Desperate frakking Renee the Botoxed Housewife show. Jack tells Hastings he wants to get himself in as the buyer so they can get Renee out. Hastings agrees to provide a team to assist Jack. Meanwhile, Vlad and his goons take Renee back to his shop to discuss the buy.

Hastings wants Dana/Jenny Starbuck to get an update on the status of the Nuclear Emergency Team and have team members ready to move when the nuclear materials are found. Starbuck says she’s on it, but instead, immediately (even Kevin says, “Damn, fast!”) locates a police evidence warehouse with a stash of drug money for Kevin to steal. She calls Kevin, who wants to know the plan. Starbuck’s plan: “You go in and take it. I’ll talk you through it.” Genius! Arlo stops by to complain to Starbuck that his drones are slow, says she seems down and offers her a cry on his shoulder (or any other body part).

At the warehouse, Vlad tells his goon, Lugo (Tony Curran) he wants to talk to Renee alone. Renee feeds Vlad the false information on her buyer (Ernst Meier, German arms dealer aka Jack). Renee tells Vlad someone in the Russian syndicate smuggled nuclear fuel rods out of the Ukraine and wants to sell them. Vlad says he knows nothing about it. Renee tells Vlad if he can find the information it would be worth 30 percent. She tells Vlad she’s known the buyer professionally for two years. Any time Renee mentions Meier, Vlad’s lets out his inner controlling, jealous boy, demanding to know if there’s something more going on than a business relationship. Vlad wants five million up front and to meet Meier. He tells Renee to have the buyer rendezvous with his men at the top of a parking garage to give them the front money. He leaves Renee alone to make the call. Renee checks around the room before talking to Jack via earpiece.

Doc Levine (Eli Goodman) administers morphine to Oleg (Bazhaev’s son) via IV. Bazhaev calls to see what’s keeping Josef and Oleg. Josef lies and says they’re in traffic. A nurse delivers Oleg’s blood test results. The doctor says Oleg needs a bone marrow transplant. Josef demands the doctor do something in the office to keep Oleg alive. Levine says he can do a couple of things to try to flush out the radiation from Oleg’s bloodstream, but can’t guarantee Oleg will live. Being a doctor forced to treat a criminal means we can guarantee you’ll die, Doc Levine.

Ortiz and his team meet up with Jack. Jack gets equipped, Ortiz lets Jack know the money is ready and they’ll be pulling out Renee. Ortiz has lots of questions but Jack blows him off. Everyone blows off Ortiz, even his own fiancee. Jack tells Ortiz to just do what Jack tells him, and in Ortiz has found someone who will listen.

Vlad wants to know why Renee was so down in the dumps and says she isn’t the only one who has been suffering the past few years. Vlad says they have time to catch up and offers her a drink. He tells Renee he’s never forgiven himself for what he did to her. Vlad laments that he had too much to drink that night and Renee says she’s never heard him apologize for anything. Displaying symptoms of multiple personality disorder, Vlad says he’s trying to make things right and calls her a bitch. (Did they mess up not getting Gary Oldman for this part or what?) Vlad thinks Renee wants something more than the deal with him, but she lets him know she didn’t come for a mediocre piece of Russian ass. When he angrily tells Renee she should watch her tongue because she might lose it one day, Renee decides it’s a good time to take a shower??? (So wait, the psychotic dude who previously raped you is threatening you, and this makes you want to take off your clothes?) Vlad leaves Renee to get cleaned up, but he’s thinking dirty. Having overheard that whole conversation, Jack tells Ortiz they need to move now. Meanwhile, Lugo is worried about the deal, but Vlad confides in Lugo that they’re going to take the upfront money and kill the buyer. The goon is worried about Renee being unhappy; Vlad says Renee is desperate and alone, and that she’ll be working with them afterward.

Rob Weiss and Ethan Kanin advise President Taylor that President Hassan’s forces are still cracking down on the opposition. The British, Germans and Egyptians are getting ready to pull out of the peace deal. President Taylor wonders if it will help if she explains to the other leaders that President Hassan’s brother’s was involved in the assassination attempt and nuclear materials acquirement, but her advisers are sure that will scare off the leaders. President Taylor wants delegates assembled so she can plead Hassan’s case to them. *snore*

Hassan’s head of security, Tarin Faroush (T. J. Ramini), tells President Hassan that suspects are being rounded up and questioned. President Hassan wants to know if any people are known to them, or working with his brother. After viewing photos of suspects, President Hassaan recognizes a cousin of Jamot, (one of Hassan’s delegates) and tells Faroush to arrest and interrogate Jamot. The adviser tries to dissuade the him, but President Hassan exclaims that he doesn’t care what anyone thinks, he was almost killed! Hassan tells Faroush he should know what must be done. Thumbectomy anyone?

And now, back to our ridiculous CTU subplot. Jenny Starbuck is making a key card for Kevin to use to get into the police evidence warehouse. Arlo is suspicious and talks to Chloe about Jenny’s behaviour. Chloe makes fun of Arlo for drooling and staring at Jenny. Arlo tells Chloe he thinks she is jealous, so Chloe sarcastically asks him to please stare at her ass as she walks away. Jenny tells Arlo she’s going to the bathroom, but instead goes outside to meet Kevin. Jenny Starbuck explains to Kevin how to get into the warehouse and gives him the key card and a communications link - when he gets to the warehouse, she’ll tell him via earpiece exactly what to do to get the money. Jenny reiterates the deal that Kevin will never again call her after this “help”. Let’s all take a moment to laugh and point. Meanwhile, clever Arlo is watching their meeting on a video feed.

Renee took a shower. If anyone can enlighten me as to her logic with that one, please do. When she gets out, someone is waiting for her. Wanna guess? Renee asks Vlad to wait until she gets dressed and Vlad asks, “Why waste the energy?” He’ll just have to undress her all over again. OK, Sybil! One minute you’re apologizing for having raped her and the next you’re ready to do it again? Vlad thinks Renee really wants him. He throws a glass and tells Renee to come to him or he’ll call off the deal. Renee walks to him and Vlad starts kissing her. Renee says she’ll take that drink now (you and me both). Vlad goes to get her a drink so she can talk to Jack. Jack tells Renee not to have sexy time with Vlad, that there’s a team standing by to extract her. Renee says she has to stay and goes dark. Meaning: No Jack, you can’t be a listening Tom; she flushes her earpiece down the drain.

The British delegate is discussing with Kamistan delegate, Jamot, (Navid Negahban) that President Hassan’s arrests are making it difficult to go ahead with the peace agreement. As Jamot tries to assuage the other delegate’s concerns, Faroush arrives and tells Jamot he must come to the embassy for questioning. Jamot quietly protests, but agrees to go. Faroush steps into a hallway and calls President Hassan’s daughter, Kayla. He asks if Kayla is alone and says he needs to speak with her about her father, but then tells her nothing. Ah, lack of intrigue!

Doctor Levine explains to Josef how to administer medication through Oleg’s IV. When Josef asks how he’ll know if the treatment is working, the Doc says Oleg’s symptoms will subside within 7 to 10 days. Even though we knew Doc wouldn’t last long, it’s still surprising when the poor guy opens the door for a nurse with more meds, but instead gets shot dead. Turns out Papa Bazhaev is pissed he’s been disobeyed, and sent his goons to bring Josef and Oleg back.

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s Nerdy Jack in glasses (code name: Ernst Meier)! Looking mightily refreshed (Jack nap in the car?) and more than a little hot for a Grandpa, Jack meets up with Lugo and company. Lugo questions Jack auf Deutche and complains about Jack’s American accent. Jack/Ernst explains his background while I’m fantasizing about Herr Jack in a Superman costume, seducing me a la Kevin Kline’s Otto…pulling off my boots and… Oh, er , Sorry! Finally, for just a moment, bad ass Jack is back. He cockily tells the goons he won’t transfer the money until he speaks with Vlad. The call comes just at Vlad and Renee’s afterglow moment. The bad ass Jack moment is over, as he and Vlad converse and agree on nothing. Vlad refuses Jack’s request to speak to Renee and Jack still agrees to transfer the funds. Jack begins the process via laptop computer. Vlad’s men have been ordered to kill Jack once the money goes through.

Renee gets dressed and wonders aloud why Vlad isn’t making calls. Vlad admits his plan to Renee. She’s as furious as a woman who can’t make any facial expressions can be, and tells Vlad he can’t just piss away her hard work and a lot of money. She tries to sweet talk him and tells Vlad the two of them can be together once they make the deal. Come on Renee, even I don’t believe you. Vlad says it’s his way or the highway. Renee tries to make a call even as Vlad tells her not to, and Vlad gets physical, grabbing her by the throat and telling her to never go against him. Somebody get this dude his meds?

Jack is finishing the transfer and the goons prepare to shoot. Luckily, Ortiz and the assault team was watching and they shoot down all but one of the goons. Jack screams, “Would Lugo really think Jack is stupid enough to come alone?” Jack calls Vlad and tells him three of Vlad’s men are dead and he’s ready to kill the fourth. Jack demands to speak to Renee and does. Jack says he still wants to make the deal and Vlad agrees. Vlad tells his goon to bring Jack back to the warehouse.

Josef and Oleg have been brought to Bazhaev. Bazhaev dresses down his son and they fight over who is more wrong. Bazhaev is angry that Josef disobeyed him, handily kicks the crap out of Josef and then shoots Oleg. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry that the old man so easily kicks his young son’s ass. Bazhaev tells Josef there are rules which must never be broken and to never disobey him again. Papa says they can bury Josef’s brother after the deal is done and gives Josef a kiss goodnight.

For your Enhanced Recap Experience (ERE), please open this link in a new tab and listen to the music while reading the final paragraph.

Will Jenny Starbuck be drawn out of CTU again and either kidnapped or attacked by a wild cat? Or worse yet, will Starbuck be blackmailed into geek sex with Arlo? Will Josef have a chance at retribution against his Papa? Is Helmet Head going to have bed head? Can the cop from 6:00 PM to 7:00 PM help Ortiz find his cojones? Will studly, German Jack rip open his shirt to reveal himself in a tight leotard? For these answers and more, please stay tuned to Pajiba until the next recap of As Jack’s World Turns.

Cindy is holed up in a bunker in the northeast sector of the country, and that’s all you need to know. You can reach Cindy here

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