“American Horror Story” is back y’all. And in case you were worried Murphy wouldn’t be able to top last season’s blood-soaked, hyper-sexed shenanigans, you can relax. This gooey gory glorious premiere was everything we’ve come to expect from the FX horror anthology. And maybe more. One could argue that, against all odds, creators Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk managed to cram in a surprising amount of social commentary between the naked bums, dank hallways and maimed pop stars. Given that two of our “heroes” are in socially discouraged relationships and that the interracial and homosexual natures of those relationships are responsible, at least in part, for landing Kit (Evan Peters) and Lana (Sarah Paulson) in Briarcliff Asylum. At the very least, who they’ve chosen to love had made them vulnerable. I also expect that Murphy and Falchuk will further explore the damaging and redemptive role religion plays in this institution. In Sister Jude, we have another complex, histrionic role for Jessica Lange and while she’s neither purely villain nor purely hero, she will, most certainly, chew down the decaying scenery at every turn. I can’t wait for Zachary Quinto’s return.
10. New England Accents. They’re Happening.: The series is set in Massachusetts in the 1960s and, despite the fact that the flat vowels of the New England accent are notoriously hard to pull off, both Jessica Lange and Evan Peters are going for it.
9. There Is One Hell Of A Makeup Artist Working On This Show: The actress who plays Pepper, the super creepy inmate who greets Lana upon her first visit to Briarcliff..
…is played by the gorgeous Naomi Grossman. Impressive transformation, no?
8. Just Because The Hot Redheaded Maid Is Gone Doesn’t Mean We’ll Have To Go Without Nymphomania This Season: Of all the new actors appearing this season, I’m most excited for Chloë Sevigny. No offense to Joseph Fiennes and James Cromwell but they don’t have quite the same zing.
7. Sister Jude Really Really Likes Coq Au Vin: Like…a lot.
6. Ryan Murphy Hates That “Moves Like Jagger Song” Too: Oh man, I hated that song when Maroon 5 first recorded it, but then when that whistled refrain made it into a commercial that plays ad nauseum, “Moves Like Jagger” became my personal Hulk trigger. So, yes, damnit, I was glad when one of Adam Levine’s tattooed arms got ripped off. And I hope it burns in hell.
5. This One…Is Either A Ghost, Bloody Face, Or A Metaphor: Her name’s Grace…Kit’s wife was named Alma (soul in Spanish), so something heavy-handed is going on here.
4. Lesbians In The 1960s Dressed Like Laverne De Fazio: Nice “L” pin, Lana.
3. There’s A Twist In This Season. I’m Not Saying It Was Aliens. But It Was Aliens.: I did NOT see that coming. Real? Delusional? Spidery computer chip?
2. Ryan Murphy Knows Which Side His Bread Is Buttered On…If You Know What I Me-Oh You Know What I Mean: It wasn’t too long into the episode before we saw our first butt. Dylan McDermott must be relieved that’s no longer his burden to bear.
1. Jessica Lange Has Already Won Next Year’s Emmy, Golden Globe, And, F*ck It, Give Her All Grammys While You’re At It: Seriously, watch her go. Is there anything more magnificent?