Nick Swardson ought to have been a Milford Man*. He’s one of those comedians who I find hysterical in small doses, but utterly cringe-inducing when he is given a lead role. Actually, that isn’t accurate. His stand-up ought to count as “a lead role” and I do like the Comedy Central specials that I’ve seen, so I guess I like Nick Swardson best when he’s playing a variation of himself. Basically, when he isn’t given total freedom. (For argument’s sake, stand-up comedians don’t have “total freedom” in the sense that a live audience can have an effect on the ultimate outcome of that particular set. Lawyered?) As such, Swardson is one of my favorite things about both “Reno 911!” and Grandma’s Boy, but I stayed far, far (faaaaaaaaar) away from his sketch series, “Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time.” I’ll probably be staying even farther away from his new starring role in Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star.
I didn’t know this movie existed until yesterday, but I was bored at the day job and searching for possible trailers to post, and I stumbled across (not upon) this:
To be honest, I wasn’t prepared for that. I’m sorry if I didn’t warn you sufficiently beforehand. Obviously, I think it’s safe to say that there’s a reason why this movie is flying so low under the radar, and that reason is easy to comprehend. It looks terrible. Not offensive, just not funny. I don’t think I even cracked a smile. The movie, if you can even call it that (seriously, I can’t tell if it’s a spoof or a goof), looks like the demon spawn from an unholy trinity involving Little Nicky, Joe Dirt, and Orgasmo**, with a happy ending provided by Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star. Don’t go all Mekhi Phifer on me, tell me I’m wrong, say we need to save this zombie baby of a film, and then blow several caps in my ass just for trying to do what your too clouded to see is necessary for our continued existence. No. This thing is evil and needs to be put out of its misery before it officially gives birth on September 9, 2011. Please, for the love of humanity.
Except the UK and Malaysian populations, where according to IMDB the movie already, unfortunately, opened on May 13 and May 27, 2011, respectively. Are there any survivors out there reading this? If so, please comment and tell us how you made it out of this ordeal alive. Otherwise those poor folks in Denmark are never going to stand a chance on July 28th.
* Yes, it’s another “Arrested Development” reference. It’s not my fault if you didn’t get it.
** I use Orgazmo to reference the film’s similar (better) plot contrivance, not to say it’s a bad movie. I love everything Trey Parker and Matt Stone have ever done.
Rob Payne writes the indie comic The Unstoppable Force and co-hosts the internet radio show/podcast We’re Not Fanboys. He is beginning to wonder if by spreading this trailer that ultimately makes him part of the problem…?