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Where's The Human Centipede Doctor When You Need Him: "The Client List" TV Series Is Happening And I Hate You All

By TK Burton | Trailers | January 31, 2012 |

By TK Burton | Trailers | January 31, 2012 |

Yes, The Client List is becoming a TV series, because the world is a cruel, fucked up place and you should just give up on your pathetic lives. All of you. Because I also believe you people are somehow to blame for this. Because You People — you worthless, disgusting, vomitous bastards — You People were the ones who called for a review of Lifetime’s The Client List. And You People got it, and I’ve never forgiven You People or Dustin for that. A piece of my soul withered up and disintegrated after that. And you celebrated it, without any thought to the potential repercussions. Well, here it is. The TV series. Featuring Jennifer Love Hewitt as the star, and with Cybill Shepherd returning as JLoHew’s mother.

Of course, because you’re a bunch of degenerate assholes who should be killed to spare the universe the trouble, you probably want to know what it’s about. According to TV Guide (yes, I know this news has been around for a while, but fuck you):

“…the series will turn Hewitt’s character into a single mom who enters the “spa” biz only after her husband abandons her. She will struggle to balance duties as a single mom in a conservative town and her career as a determined businesswoman who must hold together a group of fiery and unpredictable employees.”

Conveniently leaving out the prostitution part, somehow. But make no mistake, it’s gonna be about J-Lo-Hew the Whoremaster this time around. Huzzah. Here she is in a music video promo for the series.

I repeat. This is Jennifer Love Hewitt singing in a music video promo for Lifetime’s “The Client List” TV series.

And with that sentence, I can officially sink no lower. I fucking quit.

All of you can eat shit and die.

TK Burton is an Editorial Consultant. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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