Let's Play "Phrases That Don't Belong Together"
I am genuinely baffled by these trailers. Let’s get it out of the way: They’re both directed by Uwe Boll, shlockmeister extraordinaire and strangler of rainbows. Now, his upcoming project, Rampage looks like a somewhat more interesting, if still vulgar and exploitative, derivative exercise. He apparently is directing movies at a startling pace, since we now have two more trailers. The first of these soon-to-be released project, The Last Storm, has the following for a synopsis:
Biblical rain, dying animals, and a blood red moon; clearly, all is not well on the quiet farm in the countryside where Tom makes a living with his wife Gillian and their young son Graham. Before the cable and power goes out, glimpses of weather related catastrophes on a global scale are hinted upon. Amidst these eerie signs, a soft spoken man named Silas stumbles onto their property, sick and cold. Even more disconcerting is how quiet Tom notices everything is … neighbors, cars, birds, crickets, all are nowhere to be seen nor heard. According to Silas it’s not so much as the beginning of the end, but in fact the end itself, and they’ve been left behind … And they’re all that is left of humanity. As Silas slowly reveals his true colors with his murderous past, and lust for Gillian, the tension between the men builds until an explosive showdown occurs, with Tom defending his family, and fighting for their survival, and perhaps the survival of all mankind.
What the fuck? That … that actually is a pretty compelling premise. No, seriously. Think about that — an end of the world movie with no effects, no Roland Emmerich, how-much-shit-can-I-make-go-boom nonsense. Instead, just focusing on a small group of survivors and how they deal with each other, but without the super duper special effects. It’s a genuinely interesting idea. And it came from Uwe Boll.
I feel kind of sick. I might need to lie down. Anyone else feel like the balance of the universe just got thrown off? Then again, like I said — it’s Uwe Boll — just reading about him actually makes you stupider. Literally. I’m sorry to do that to you, but you’re now a dummy.
Oh, and it stars Luke Perry. It doesn’t look good, per se — it’s a little too soon for me to give it that. But it looks … interesting. The frustrating thing is, if it does end up sucking, I’ll be really pissed because that means that a pretty good story idea got wasted.
Am I crazy?
The second trailer is even weirder. It’s called Darfur, and it’s got that tearful, meditative, quiet approach. If you didn’t know it was an Uwe Boll film, you’d probably think it’s the kind of vehicle that should be starring Charlize Theron and DiCaprio, because it really fucking about genocide in Darfur.. Instead it stars Kristanna Loken (Terminator 3), Edward Furlong (Terminator 2) and Billy Zane (The Phantom). Seriously, have we been transported into some weird, fucked up parallel universe? Did someone spike my coffee with LSD instead of the usual sugar and bourbon?
OK, seriously. Now I think he’s just fucking with us.
My favorite part takes place right at the 2:37 mark. See if you can catch it.