Are you ready to see some shit? I mean some really, really bad movie shit? You know you want to. I know how much you guys appreciate a trailer for a crappy movie — it’s the main reason I don’t hate you all. OK, that’s not true. I do hate you all. But that’s not the point. SHUT UP AND STOP INTERRUPTING.
Here’s the trailer for Tales of an Ancient Empire. It’s one of the weirder trailers I’ve seen. It’s got nudity (NSFW!). And vampires! And… Medieval weaponry? And lots of really shitty CGI. And an absolute murderer’s row of terrible actors, including Kevin Sorbo (Hercules!), Oliver Gruner (holy shit! He lives! The star of Nemesis is still alive and getting work!), Christopher Lambert and His Amazing Impenetrable Accent, and Melissa Ordway, who was in… um… you know… did I mention Kevin Sorbo?!
It’s directed by Albert Pyun, who has a resume that’s absolutely littered with deliciously crappy movies. The man’s like Uwe Boll’s underfunded, less asshole-ish little brother. He directed the classic 1989 Van Damme vehicle Cyborg, two of the Kickboxer movies and ALL FOUR Nemesis films. I’m just saying — I kind of want to hang with Albert.
Fuck it, just watch the trailer, after which I will really give you some mind grapes to chew on:
OK, are you ready for the best/worst part?
According to IMDB, Val fucking Kilmer is in this.
There’s no way that’s true, right? Right? Because if it is, that has to be some sort of record for worst fall from grace… ever.
Oh, you bet your ass I’ll review it.
(Source: Phillip Stephens)