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Oh Neil Patrick Harris, What Do They Have On You?

By TK Burton | Trailers | April 20, 2010 |

By TK Burton | Trailers | April 20, 2010 |

I would take a thousand Human Centipedes over this.

Below is the trailer for Beastly, a tween-tastic modern take on Beauty and the Beast. It’s got a cast list that makes me helplessly grind my teeth flat. Vanessa Hudgens, of High School Musical. Mary Kate Olsen, as a gotheriffic witch. And Alex Pettyfer of… I have no idea where he comes from, and I refuse to look it up. One of the circles of Hell, no doubt. It also stars, inexplicably, Neil Patrick Harris as a blind fairy godmother-type, who will likely be the saving grace of this film — not enough to salvage it, but enough to slightly dull the pain. It’s brought forth from the bowels of Hades by CBS Films — whether or not that means it’s a made-for-TV movie or it’s going to the theaters is beyond me, and again, I just don’t give a fuck enough to look it up.

The story is about a vain high school brat who is cursed by an Olsen twin to be ugly until he can find someone to love him for the man on the inside. He rescues Hudgens and apparently starts stalking her, which she of course finds endearing. Then, my brain vomited right through my eye sockets.

There is evil among us, people. This is proof. Watch it, if you dare, but it will bring you nothing but woe.

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God, that looks like a giant, steaming pile of insipid, derivative shit.

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TK Burton is the Editorial Director. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.